FanPost

Know the Opponent: Miami Heat Edition

Editor's Note: P&T is back online for the Heat game, and here's Barnesgasm with your Miami KTO. Check him out at The Son of Dippin. Game thread will be up soon.

Knicks-Skeet tonight, so here I am with your Know the Opponent. You can tell I'm running out of ideas because roughly half of these are jokes about the player's names. Get used to it.

#50, Joel Anthony: Most players are listed on a team's roster at Guard, Forward, or Center, but Joel is listed by the heat under "fuckbuddy".

#30, Earl Barron: Earl's parents are still waiting for Earl to realize just how witty naming your child after two different positions held in the British royal family is.

#15, Mark Blount: Mark is well known for alternating between pronouncing his name "blunt" and "blaownt". This is because he has been hiding the actual pronunciation of his name, a sound so violent and awe-filled that the ears of the beholder will immediately begin to melt and spew explosions of blood.

#14, Daequan Cook: Along with Trevor "The RZA" Ariza,, Daequan Cook starts for the "Players Whose Names Vaguely Remind Barnesgasm of Names of Members of the Wu-Tang Clan All Stars." Right now, they only have two players, but I hear the Hawks are about to sign PF Mike Blethodman to a ten-day.

#31, Ricky Davis: In the locker room, Ricky puts on huge noise-cancelling headphones, bobs his head up and down like he's listening to hip hop, but really, it's a constant loop of "Weird" Al Yankovic. Nobody knows the difference.

#7, Anfernee Hardaway: After Penny unwittingly took part in a plot to kill Dwyane Wade as an attempt to earn some respect for himself, Dwyane ordered Smush Parker to take Penny out on a small fishing boat on Lake Tahoe and  shoot him in the back of the head while he prayed, while Dwyane watched the whole time.

#40, Udonis Haslem: Udonis claims the area under the hoop by urinating on the basket support when he first enters the game, making him the official least favorite player of the Sweat-Moppers Union.

#13, Alexander Johnson: Alexander, trying to liven up the locker room a bit, infected one member of the team with leprosy, but won't tell anybody who it is. Hint: it's Joel Anthony.

#33, Alonzo Mourning: Alonzo Mourning has been a boon to the medical world, who have used his case to prove the long-held hypothesis that one of the roles of the kidney is to prevent someone from wildly gesticulating whenever they do something mildly important.

#32, Shaquille O'Neal: Shaq has often been called "The Big Aristotle". Although most think this is because Shaq colors himself a philosopher, it's actually because Aristotle shot like 52 percent from the line.

#21, Smush Parker: When Smush shoots, the ball's force causes a small vacuum to be formed in the space-time continuum, resulting in the formation of a tiny black hole. At least that's what Pat Riley has been telling him to keep his ass from shooting.

#11, Chris Quinn: Chris isn't on the Heat because of his basketball skills, but because of his valuable ability to take the carbon dioxide the rest of the team exhales and transform it into oxygen through a process known as photosynthesis.

#3, Dwyane Wade: It is presumed that Dwyane gets preferential treatment from refs because he's a star. Really it's because before every game, he individually makes each referee a big stack of fluffy blueberry pancakes. Then, and only then, will Dwyane start to furiously manipulate their genitalia until his arms go numb. Nobody tells Violet Palmer about any of this.

#55, Jason Williams: For fifteen unfortunate minutes in 2003, Jason was under the impression that New Jersey had passed a "Jason Williamses can Kill Indiscriminately" law. He apologizes to the families of the deceased.

#1, Dorell Wright: Dorell is actually the a younger brother of the Wright brothers, inventors of the airplane. He, like his brothers, is also a tinkerer, and his considerably less significant inventions include the squirrel trap and the ill-fated "tint your own urine" children's playset.