FanPost

Know the Opponent: Golden State Warriors Edition

Editor's Note: Here's Barnesgasm with your Golden State KTO. Give him a jangle at The Son of Dippin. Stay tuned for some additional preview action before the game thread tomorrow. Respeck.

Before the jokes: As the internet's expert on Matt Barnes, I was excited for his arrival in the Mecca. I was planning on taping it, and then, last week, when I remembered I wouldn't have school on Wednesday, I rushed to start organizing the second annual Barnes-abration at Madison Square Garden.
Then, I found out he's been in the hospital tending to his mother, Ann, who has been fighting cancer, and won't be in MSG tomorrow. All I do is jokes, but remember, they're jokes, and Matt is not actually a hilarious caricature crack addict, but a sentient human being, with parents and shit. Prayers and thoughts abound. Maybe next year, I can have a Barnes-abration, and you can come along if you like, but for now, we all know what is really most important to the Barnes'.

Diatribe over, but like I said, my thoughts are with the Barnes'.

Now on to the Knicks.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THE SHIP BE SINKIN!!!

By the way, not to self promote, but I urge you all to vote in the poll on my site, entitled "is there a reason to live?" I voted yes! So far, it's just me. Now read up on my second favorite team in the League, the Golden State Warriors.

#7, Kelenna Azubuike: Kelenna has been leaving a message on Rihanna's answering machine every day, to try and convince her to make a remix of "Umbrella" entitled "Kelenna". If this falls through, he plans on changing his last name from "Azubuike" to "Enna-enna-enna-enna-ey-ey-ey-enna-enna-enna-ey-ey-ey-undermyumkelenna".

#22, Matt Barnes: As a mild-mannered, God-fearing, below average small forward, Matt would be a terrible subject for a website.

#18, Marco Bellinelli: Last year, Marko Jaric, Darko Mlicic, and Zarko Caparkapa met in the Arco Arena in Sacramento, and had a no-holds-barred fight to the death. I won't say who lost, but let's just say this year, Marco Belinelli will hopefully be a suitable replacement for the loser.

#15, Andris Biedrinis: Andris hasn't spoken to any of his teammates since he found out that Patrick O'Bryant got the lead in the team production of "Annie Get Your Gun"

#44, Austin Croshere: Austin's open-to-all-teammates "bible and barbecue team get-togethers" rank year after year as the worst attended NBA social event. Last year, Croshere finished in dead last again, behind Ersan Ilyasovas "Sausages of the World Tuesdays", Corey Maggette's "S and M Clipper Breakfasts", and Richard Jefferson's "Come to my House to Watch Me Fellate This Penis" nights.

#5, Baron Davis: One of the reasons the Warriors got off to a slow start this year is because Vladmir Putin poisons Baron Davis just a little bit each day after he shitted on Andrei Kirilenko's life.

#8, Monta Ellis: The only way the Warriors can get Monta to score is by placing an M and M on the floor every four inches in between him and the basket.

#3, Al Harrington: Al was especially disappointed that the Warriors didn't honor his request to be with Sarunas Jasikevicius forever and ever and ever.

#6, Troy Hudson: Every year on Passover, Troy debates whether or not to make potato kugel, and you know what, his daughter has had just about enough of it, because every year she tells him she doesn't like the potato kugel, and he still makes it. Unbelievable.

#1, Stephen Jackson: The only way to stop Stephen Jackson on offense is to put the song "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias on. Works every time.

#12: Stephane Lasme: Stephane got cut by the Warriors on Saturday, but nobody has the heart to tell him, since the Gabonese ritual for dealing with someone recently cut by the Warriors involves poison blow-darts and testicles. (seriously. he did get cut by the Warriors on Saturday. Much like Orien Greene on the Kings, I felt guilty about not KTOing his ass for posterity, so he got a pity one. Good luck, Stephane!) (also, his getting cut makes Stephon Marbury the sanest Stephon in the league. Great.)

#? Didier Ilunga Mbenga: Warriors.com doesn't list DJ as having a number yet. That's because the team refused to honor his request to be "# I just fucked your mom".

#26, Patrick O'Bryant: It took Bill Simmons 8 seconds to realize he should stop pumping his fist after Patrick O'Bryant got drafted last year.

#19, Kosta Perovic: Coaches must remember to flip Kosta once every 10 minutes, or else he will start to burn.

#2, Mickael Pietrus: Mickael Pietrus is actually a piece of pocket lint gone wrong. Wayyyyyyyyy wrong.

#32, Brandan Wright: As a reference to "Do the Right Thing", Brandan has a fist-bracelet on his left hand that says "Hate" and one on his right hand that says "love". What he never tells anybody about is that his prehensile hair-covered third arm that protrudes from his ribcage has a bracelet saying "indifference".

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