FanPost

Know The Opponent: New Jersey Nets Edition

Ayo! Well, the last time I didn't do a KTO, the Knicks won, so, really, all my jinxes are completely fucked, and I clearly have no effect on this team whatsoever.

Meet the Nets, greet the Nets, step right up and... you get the joke. Fuck it. Meet the fucking Nets.

#30, Malik Allen: Malik has held the much coveted crown of "Most Exciting Power Forward Named Malik" for the past 13 seasons.

#10, Darrell Armstrong: Inspired by a spur of the moment trip to a Fort Wayne Mad Ants game, Darrell tried to branch off into his own minor league, called the "National Darrell Armstrong Developmental League". Attendance started out strong, but dropped off really quickly when fans realized the league was just Darrell Armstrong running around an empty gym and yelling shit and occasionally switching uniforms.

#2, Josh Boone: Many NBA players daydream about which fancy new cars they will get. Josh Boone daydreams about finally passing his roadtest. Parallel parking gets him every time.

#15, Vince Carter: Vince Carter is, to date, the only player ever to be listed on an NBA injury report because he was "on his period".

#35, Jason Collins: Jason invented his own dance craze, called the "Wiggler". In it, he moves one step to the left, one step to the right, jumps about 6 to 7 inches to the air, tries to draw a charge, bricks a layup, and falls asleep in a comfortable armchair.

#8, Eddie Gill: Eddie Gill is actually a nickname, since Eddie is actually a 6 foot tall anthropomorphic cod.

#24, Richard Jefferson: On team flights, some players like to play poker or watch movies, but Richard just snuggles into his seat with a good Harlequin romance novel.

#5, Jason Kidd: Although people think of Jason as a seasoned veteran, noted for his consitency and maturity, opponents know the easiest way to stop him is by yelling "poopy!" while he dribbles. Works every time.

#12, Nenad Krstic: Nenad's mother will ground him if he doesn't make his midnight curfew. This is especially frustrating to Nenad because Nenad's mother lives in Serbia and Montenegro.

#20, Jamaal Magloire: Jamaal likes to go to local sports bars in disguise and start up conversations about "how bad that Jamaal Magloire guy on the Nets is", and then he'll wait for the other person to say anything in response, and then suddenly, he'll rip off his fake moustache and be like "WHAT NOW, BITCH! I AM JAMAAL MAGLOIRE!" and kick the living shit out of them.

#7, Bostjan Nachbar: Bostjan Nachbar's scrotum has a scrotum. (I have no idea what that means, and I just tried to picture it, and nearly threw up.)

#1, Marcus Williams: Marcus is at an unfair advantage when it comes to the leagues infectious materials policy, because rather than blood, his veins contain xylem and phloem. This also comes in handy when he runs short on cash, and he makes delicious maple syrup out of his sap.

#51, Sean Williams: If Sean urinates in a patch of dirt, a garden of marijuana will have sprouted by week's end.

#21, Antoine Wright: In a move criticized by upper management, Coach Lawrence Frank decided that team attendance at his "Off-day Antonie Wright Cuddling Sessions" be changed from "optional" to "mandatory"