Know the Coaches: Playoff Edition

I told you'd we be covering the playoffs at P&T. Well here's the first of several postseason analyses...

Meet the Coaches!

Eastern Conference

Flip Saunders-Detroit- Flip is widely considered to be one of the most boring individuals on earth. He took home the gold medal in the 2003 Boring Olympics for his 54-minute speech, "On Soup".

Mike Brown- Cleveland- The headboard of Mike's bed is equipped with three rotating brushes to keep his head well-polished.

Sam Mitchell- Toronto- Sam, assuming that he would be fired by April at the latest, agreed earlier this year to do a series of bank heists this spring for the local mafia. Now that the Raptors are in the playoffs and he might get a contract extention, Sam's going to have to lay low for a little while.

Pat Riley- Miami- Pat's famed hair grease consists of several rare and hard-to-find ingredients, including rainwater from Belgium, Marlon Brando's spittle, and owl semen. Now, many people might be saying, "Owls don't even produce semen!", and those people are mostly right. In the wild, they don't. Pat, however, has six barn owls in his captivity that, through exercise and hypnosis, he has trained to jizz.

Scott Skiles- Chicago- Scott is a notorious stickler for clothing. He demands that all his players' shirts be tucked in. He won't let Ben Wallace wear a headband on the court. And earlier this season, he wouldn't let the Chicago Luvabulls dance team go on the floor until they put some more clothes on.

Lawrence Frank- New Jersey- People are making a lot of noise about Vince Carter playing against his former team. No one has said a word about Lawrence's return to Toronto, the place where he lost his virginity to a very aggressive hotel maid last season.

Eddie Jordan- Washington- Eddie often feels that the well-documented quirks of guys like Gilbert Arenas distract the Washington media from his own personality. To get a little more attention, he plans to take off his shirt and tie and toss them into the crowd after every game this postseason.

Brian Hill- Orlando- In the world of artificial tanning, Brian's mellow, uniform bronze is akin to the Mona Lisa.

Western Conference

Avery Johnson- Dallas- The younger players on the Mavericks take delight in cutting off Avery's tail just to watch it grow back.

Mike D'Antoni- Phoenix- After coaching, Mike will be hired by Burger King to use his "7 Seconds or Less" strategy to make fast food even faster. He will be fired, however, when BK employees are found alley-ooping Whoppers to one another.

Gregg Popovich- San Antonio- Sometimes, on a Sunday night, Gregg likes to light up the fire place, pour himself a glass of red wine, break out some Italian olives, and watch the entire first season of Wild 'N Out.

Jerry Sloan- Utah- Jerry loves three things: basketball, beef jerky, and movies about horses. Everything else can go fuck itself.

Jeff Van Gundy- Houston- Jeff regularly has so much caffeine in his blood stream that he often stands up, paces around the room, and calls out defensive sets in his sleep. On particularly bad nights, Jeff has been known to wake his wife and kids while screaming curses at an imaginary Rafer Alston.

George Karl- Denver- Though he certainly cares about his team and the playoffs and stuff, George is most concerned with finding a new clubbing partner now that Jake Plummer has left town.

Phil Jackson- Los Angeles- When Phil's children cause trouble, instead of punishing them, he goes to the media and calls them names.

Don Nelson- Golden State- While most coaches use the halftime to discuss strategy, the Warriors' intermission usually consists of Monta Ellis and Zarko Cabarkapa holding Don's hair back while he throws up the eight scotches he had during timeouts.

Those are your coaches. More playoff "analysis" cominatcha in the upcoming days. Enjoy today's quadruple-header! Peace.

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