Meet the Sixers!

#20 Louis Amundson- No one speaks to Louis in the locker room because they assume he's Eastern European.

#25 Rodney Carney- During the offseason, Rodney is the eyeliner-wearing frontman for an underground glam rock band.

#1 Samuel Dalembert- If Samuel were a member of the Brat Pack, he would be Judd Nelson.

#33 Willie Green- Willie's pregame meal is a tablespoon of margarine.

#44 Alan Henderson- Off the court, Alan's attire usually includes a tophat and a monocle.

#45 Steven Hunter- Steven's jumpshot has been rated "R" by the MPAA. Children under the age of 17 may not see it without a guardian present.

#9 Andre Iguodala- Andre has framed photos of all of his NBA milestones, including "My First Basket", "My First Commercial Break", and "My First Defensive Three-Second Violation".

#11 Bobby Jones- Bobby's skin secretes an extremely potent, universally lethal venom when he's nervous. Bobby has never felt the embrace of a woman.

#26 Kyle Korver- Kyle was never much of a basketball player as a child because he didn't have his own hoop. His next-door neighbor, however, did have a hoop. Young Kyle would simply shoot from his own driveway into his neighbor's basket, which was about 25 feet away.

#7 Andre Miller- Andre has felt quite a bit of pressure from all the hype of his trade to Philadelphia. He's trying to silence all the national media who said he couldn't make the Sixers a contender this year.

#12 Kevin Ollie- After 9 years in the league, Kevin has just gone ahead and bought a jersey for every NBA team so he doesn't have to go through the trouble when he gets traded there.

#42 Shavlik Randolph- Shavlik's typical sandwich order is "ham, cheese, and mayo, hold the gayness."

#8 Joe Smith- Joe sees in black and white.

#23 Louis Williams- Perhaps because he was so excited to be in the NBA, Louis spent all of last year autographing everything he saw. Because of this, Louis' signature is worth less than 1 cent.

Those are your 76ers. Game thread coming later.