Look, y'all. The amount of times the Knicks have had an open roster spot in the past few years are countable on one hand, even for people missing one or two fingers. Now is one of those times. Now, Alan Hahn tells us repeatedly that signing someone fast doesn't fit in with the Knicks' long-term plans, that Walsh and co. are looking for innovative options to fill that spot, maybe a 2 for 1 trade, or to use up Cuttino Mobley's retirement exception, but I, quite frankly, could give a crap. In these hard economic times more than ever, some random tall dude could use a few thousand dollars far more than James Dolan, and it is in this spirit that I call on the Knicks to just sign some random tall dude, just for a few days, just to make me, and said random tall dude, happy.
First off, we need a man in uniform just to eat up minutes. Sure, we could've used it more during the bleak days post-trade when we were all weeping about Jamal (MARDY COLLINS WE WON'T FORGET YOU) and didn't even notice that Al Harrington and Chris Duhon were averaging 73 minutes per game, but, shit, we need it now too. With Danilo Gallinari (back), Jared Jeffries (nobody knows), Nate Robinson (wasn't his groin acting up a bit a few games ago?), somebody had a cold, Eddy Curry (fat), Stephon Marbury (ego), Anthony Roberson (whooping cough), and Malik Rose (sophisticated herpes), I'd like to see the Knicks add somebody. I've done some thinking, and here are people the Knicks can and should sign, and a brief argument as to why.
Why we should sign: Patrick Ewing Jr.
Here, I see two major reasons.
First reason: Patrick Ewing is a good basketball player. He hustles and is superathletic, and is probably one of the better in game dunkers I can think of. He got on You Got Dunked On twice during the preseason, an impressive task for anybody, made Gus Johnson cream his khakis once, which, quite frankly, not that impressive, and, out of all the possible options, he's the only one who has played in D'Antoni's system - this preseason - that I'd like to sign. And he's playing for the Knicks D-League team, the Reno Bighorns. (Like the Texas Longhorns, but more related to the death of General Custer. And sheepy.)
Second reason: he is the son of Patrick Ewing and has arms and legs. One of the main things I look for in a 15th man is coolness. And is there anything cooler than being the son of an ex-Knick? And it's not like we're talking about Lavor Postell III or Cezary Trybanski, Jr. (although my sources close to Little Cezary tell me he's considering a career in basketball, is also considering a career in pierogi farming, or getting rich off of a memoir entitled Growing Up Trybanski: Living Life in the shadow of Poland's Second-best Basketball Superstar.) We're talking about Patrick Ewing, Jr. Not to mention that he's also good at basketball.
Now, Alan Hahn also tells us that the Knicks plan on signing Junior with Stephon Marbury's spot, but, why wait? I say we spring quickly and get that man a jersey. Unless he'd like to wear #3. In which case we can wait.
Why we should sign: Demetris Nichols
I know what you're thinking: Am I just going to list every guy the Knicks have cut out of training camp the last few years? No. Just those two.
But Demetris Nichols is all sorts of awesome. You may remember Demetris from his starting role on the undefeated 2007 Vegas SummerKnicks, and although rumors are that Nate Robinson, Randolph Morris, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler, and Demetris still get together to drink champagne every year when the last undefeated Vegas Summer League team loses its first game, it would be nice to see that camaraderie at MSG, in garbage minutes. Now don't get me wrong: I love Demetris Nichols, so much so that I once discussed him during a college interview at a college I didn't apply to, but, on the other hand, he's a purported gunner, and I have twice seen him airball threes in NBA games. So that's not good. But we still should sign him.
Why we should sign: Dee Brown
Ever since that game where Chris Duhon played all 48, I've thought to myself, "we could use a pair of point guard legs, just in case, down on that bench." There are a glut of moderately employable basketball players who fit that description, all of whom I would be glad to sign: There's Blake Ahearn, fresh off a tour of duty with the Spurs, Jared Jordan, but I sure as hell am not profile another ex-preseason Knick, Damon Stoudamire, the ex-Jaliblazer who I'm sure you are all acquainted with, and Smush Parker, who once drove a car called the "Smushscalade" and really awkwardly was cut from the Heat last year, and is just generally awkward. But of these, I'm a Dee Brown fan, for these reasons: he's pretty fast, and that would fit D'Antoniball, and, also, he has a mixtape, which, wouldn't you know, is embeddable off of his website. Take it away, Dee!
<embed src="http://web.splashcast.net/go/so/1/c/WRBH8959ZD/s/SBKS7256PI" wmode="Transparent" width="400" height="300" allowFullScreen="true" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" /><table width="400" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="4"><tr><td><a href="http://web.splashcast.net/add/?code=WRBH8959ZD" target="_blank"><font face="Arial">Add Dee Brown Channel to your page</font></a></td></tr></table>
I really doubt that works, but, if it doesn't, just go here to enjoy his musical stylings.
Why we should sign: Rod Benson.
We just should.
Alright, I'm done with this exercise, but there's other people we should sign. For example, I feel we should sign Fred Jones, seeing as he was one of our better players last year, and is just completely unsigned right about now, and I feel sort of bad but, hey, then I'd be writing about primarily people who have already played for the Knicks, and that would just be all types of boring and uninteresting, so I'm not going to do that. So, there, I'm done. Why do you have to be so damn needy all the time anyway?
Hey! A poll!