Editor's note: Our embedded correspondent Arichmix checks in with his recount of deadline day. Belated P&T New Year's resolution: more liberal use of the word "vanillaify".
It is the NBA trade deadline day, 7:00 A.M. EST. Isiah Thomas is in his office hooking up the seventh phone line in his office, in case several teams send him offers at once.
Isiah: OK, I'm ready for you, fellow NBA general managers...let the trades pour in!
8:00 A.M. EST
Isiah: Any minute now, I'll be getting my first trade offers, this is so exciterific!
9:00 A.M. EST
Isiah: The other general managers are probably just waking up, that's why they haven't called me yet. Ha ha ha! I laugh at them, that is why I am so much better. I'm gonna ask Dolan to have a statue of me put outside of MSG.
2:00 P.M. EST, nobody has called Isiah yet, and he has not moved from his seat an inch
Isiah: Maybe they're just a little bit shy...I'll initiate.
Isiah calls the Cavs general manager, Danny Ferry
Isiah: Hello, Daniel.
Ferry: Hey, Isiah. (thinking to himself, "Fuck yes! Isiah is on the line! Larry Hughes, yo punk ass is out of herr!) What can I do for you?
Isiah: I'm thinking about making a trade. Try to help both of us.
Isiah: What do you think of Eddy Curry, Nate Robinson, and Wilson Chandler for your boy LeBron?
Ferry: Is this a joke?
Isiah: Ok ok, you high-roller...I'll throw in Mardy Collins.
Ferry: That doesn't really help.
Isiah: OK...what if instead of Eddy, I'll give you Randolph Morris.
Isiah: How about Nate Robinson?
Ferry: I think we're done he-
Isiah: Wait, wait! OK, how about you propose a deal?
Ferry: (immediately) Larry Hughes for David Lee!
Isiah: I like it, I like it...I was thinking our team could use some more color anyways, David is vanillaizing our chocolate vessel of NBA talent.
Ferry: I agree, it would be best for him to move here.
Isiah: I still think it is a bit unfair somehow....I know, I'll send you guys a first round pick as well!
Ferry: Are you serious?
Isiah: OK, fine. Two first round picks, just do the trade please!
Ferry: Agreed, the league will review it, but I think it can be done.
Isiah: If not, I'll give you this Balkman kid as well.
Danny Ferry wets himself with joy
Isiah: OK, see you around...(hangs up phone) Sucker. Making trades is fun...I want more!
Isiah calls the Portland GM, Kevin Pritchard.
Isiah: Kevin! Good to talk to you again.
Kevin: Isiah, I am done making deals with you, my team is playing well, our future is looking good, I don't want to make a trade.
Isiah: But I need Darius Miles on my team!
Isiah: Yes, I think he really fills some voids on our team that I think require filling. I like to call him a "void-filler" of sorts.
Kevin: I suppose...but I don't really want any of your players. To be honest, pretty much all of them suck.
Isiah: I see. How about this Renaldo fella that the fans seem to enjoy so much? I don't particularly care for him though, he's spunky and he likes his oatmeal lumpy. There is no room for him here.
Kevin: Renaldo for Miles...I like it. OK, I agree...(thinks to himself, "What the hell, might as well take a chance")...Can I have a first round pick also?
Isiah: Done. But I want Josh McRoberts!
Kevin: Hell yea, take his pasty ass.
Isiah: Oh damn...he's white isn't he? Well, he's too good to pass up, I'll take him to a tanning booth, nobody will ever know.
Kevin: Sure...ok. Bye, Isiah.
Isiah: Goodbye Kevin. (Hangs up phone) Damn, I am invincible!
James Dolan walks in
JD: Now Isiah, I'll admit that you're good...but people can still see you.
JD: It's okay. How have the trades gone?
Isiah: Fantabulous! I sent David Lee and two picks away for Larry Hughes, and that big-nosed fellow and a first round pick for Darius Miles and Josh McRoberts whose whiteness I will cure soon enough.
JD: Excellent! I see a lifetime contract in your future, Isiah.
Isiah: Score! I still think we need one more void filled. We could use a player from the Rockets...perhaps a player that was drafted with the 2nd pick of the 1999 Draft whose name for some reason can not be stated neither now nor never.
JD: Well, just trade one of the malcontents here. Nate or Mardy or Morris or Jamal or Fre-
Isiah grabs Dolan by the throat and pins him down on his desk
Isiah: We are never, I repeat never, trading Fred!
Fred: (underneath Isiah's desk) I agree!
JD: OK, OK! Any more matters you wish to discuss?
Isiah: Yes, I think a statue of me in front of the Garden would be a perfecterrific idea.
JD: I agree, that sounds great. But what do you think it should look like?
Isiah: I think Fred here has a good idea. Show him your tattoo, Freddy.
Fred: Yes, sir.
Fred shows Dolan his chest which has a tattoo of a shirtless Isiah on top of a unicorn holding a trident with the unicorn standing atop a white person
JD: I like it, very true to life.
Isiah's phone rings
Voice on other end: Hello, this is David Stern. I am the commissioner of the NBA.
Isiah: Davey! What's going on my saltineian brother?
Stern: Well, I see here that you have made two trades which are not only very stupid, but impossible by the league rules.
Isiah: But I need those trades!
Stern: Trust me, I think you're better off not doing these.
Isiah: But I was just about to trade Eddy for Vince Carter and make the greatest team of all time!
Stern: Sorry, but you just can't do all of these trades. And now the deadline has passed, so you can't even do that Vince Carter deal.
Isiah: I'll give you a first round pick.
Isiah: OK, I'll give you two first round picks and this kid Wilson Chandler.
Stern: This conversation is over.
Isiah: No, it is not! This conversation is not over until I say it is over!
David Stern hangs up, Isiah stays on the phone complaining for two more hours to nobody, followed by an hour of awkward silence
Isiah: Now it's over. (hangs up)