Isiah Thomas on D-Day

Editor's note: Our embedded correspondent Arichmix checks in with his recount of deadline day. Belated P&T New Year's resolution: more liberal use of the word "vanillaify".

It is the NBA trade deadline day, 7:00 A.M. EST. Isiah Thomas is in his office hooking up the seventh phone line in his office, in case several teams send him offers at once.

Isiah: OK, I'm ready for you, fellow NBA general managers...let the trades pour in!

8:00 A.M. EST

Isiah: Any minute now, I'll be getting my first trade offers, this is so exciterific!

9:00 A.M. EST

Isiah: The other general managers are probably just waking up, that's why they haven't called me yet. Ha ha ha! I laugh at them, that is why I am so much better. I'm gonna ask Dolan to have a statue of me put outside of MSG.

2:00 P.M. EST, nobody has called Isiah yet, and he has not moved from his seat an inch

Isiah: Maybe they're just a little bit shy...I'll initiate.

Isiah calls the Cavs general manager, Danny Ferry

Isiah: Hello, Daniel.

Ferry: Hey, Isiah. (thinking to himself, "Fuck yes! Isiah is on the line! Larry Hughes, yo punk ass is out of herr!) What can I do for you?

Isiah: I'm thinking about making a trade. Try to help both of us.

Ferry: Continue.

Isiah: What do you think of Eddy Curry, Nate Robinson, and Wilson Chandler for your boy LeBron?

Ferry: Is this a joke?

Isiah: Ok ok, you high-roller...I'll throw in Mardy Collins.

Ferry: That doesn't really help.

Isiah: OK...what if instead of Eddy, I'll give you Randolph Morris.

Ferry: Who?

Isiah: How about Nate Robinson?

Ferry: I think we're done he-

Isiah: Wait, wait! OK, how about you propose a deal?

Ferry: (immediately) Larry Hughes for David Lee!

Isiah: I like it, I like it...I was thinking our team could use some more color anyways, David is vanillaizing our chocolate vessel of NBA talent.

Ferry: I agree, it would be best for him to move here.

Isiah: I still think it is a bit unfair somehow....I know, I'll send you guys a first round pick as well!

Ferry: Are you serious?

Isiah: OK, fine. Two first round picks, just do the trade please!

Ferry: Agreed, the league will review it, but I think it can be done.

Isiah: If not, I'll give you this Balkman kid as well.

Danny Ferry wets himself with joy

Isiah: OK, see you around...(hangs up phone) Sucker. Making trades is fun...I want more!

Isiah calls the Portland GM, Kevin Pritchard.

Isiah: Kevin! Good to talk to you again.

Kevin: Isiah, I am done making deals with you, my team is playing well, our future is looking good, I don't want to make a trade.

Isiah: But I need Darius Miles on my team!

Kevin: What?

Isiah: Yes, I think he really fills some voids on our team that I think require filling. I like to call him a "void-filler" of sorts.

Kevin: I suppose...but I don't really want any of your players. To be honest, pretty much all of them suck.

Isiah: I see. How about this Renaldo fella that the fans seem to enjoy so much? I don't particularly care for him though, he's spunky and he likes his oatmeal lumpy. There is no room for him here.

Kevin: Renaldo for Miles...I like it. OK, I agree...(thinks to himself, "What the hell, might as well take a chance")...Can I have a first round pick also?

Isiah: Done. But I want Josh McRoberts!

Kevin: Hell yea, take his pasty ass.

Isiah: Oh damn...he's white isn't he? Well, he's too good to pass up, I'll take him to a tanning booth, nobody will ever know.

Kevin: Sure...ok. Bye, Isiah.

Isiah: Goodbye Kevin. (Hangs up phone) Damn, I am invincible!

James Dolan walks in

JD: Now Isiah, I'll admit that you're good...but people can still see you.

Isiah: Damn.

JD: It's okay. How have the trades gone?

Isiah: Fantabulous! I sent David Lee and two picks away for Larry Hughes, and that big-nosed fellow and a first round pick for Darius Miles and Josh McRoberts whose whiteness I will cure soon enough.

JD: Excellent! I see a lifetime contract in your future, Isiah.

Isiah: Score! I still think we need one more void filled. We could use a player from the Rockets...perhaps a player that was drafted with the 2nd pick of the 1999 Draft whose name for some reason can not be stated neither now nor never.

JD: Well, just trade one of the malcontents here. Nate or Mardy or Morris or Jamal or Fre-

Isiah grabs Dolan by the throat and pins him down on his desk

Isiah: We are never, I repeat never, trading Fred!

Fred: (underneath Isiah's desk) I agree!

JD: OK, OK! Any more matters you wish to discuss?

Isiah: Yes, I think a statue of me in front of the Garden would be a perfecterrific idea.

JD: I agree, that sounds great. But what do you think it should look like?

Isiah: I think Fred here has a good idea. Show him your tattoo, Freddy.

Fred: Yes, sir.

Fred shows Dolan his chest which has a tattoo of a shirtless Isiah on top of a unicorn holding a trident with the unicorn standing atop a white person

JD: I like it, very true to life.

Isiah's phone rings

Isiah: Hello?

Voice on other end: Hello, this is David Stern. I am the commissioner of the NBA.

Isiah: Davey! What's going on my saltineian brother?

Stern: Well, I see here that you have made two trades which are not only very stupid, but impossible by the league rules.

Isiah: But I need those trades!

Stern: Trust me, I think you're better off not doing these.

Isiah: But I was just about to trade Eddy for Vince Carter and make the greatest team of all time!

Stern: Sorry, but you just can't do all of these trades. And now the deadline has passed, so you can't even do that Vince Carter deal.

Isiah: I'll give you a first round pick.

Stern: What?

Isiah: OK, I'll give you two first round picks and this kid Wilson Chandler.

Stern: This conversation is over.

Isiah: No, it is not! This conversation is not over until I say it is over!

David Stern hangs up, Isiah stays on the phone complaining for two more hours to nobody, followed by an hour of awkward silence

Isiah: Now it's over. (hangs up)

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