FanPost

Sign Somebody!, Part II: Tha Reckoning

You may remember a post I wrote a few weeks back urging the Knicks to sign somebody. Either that, or you didn't read it, or you did read it but it wasn't very memorable, or, lastly, you read it, and also are a goldfish, and have a notoriously short memory span. Anyway, look on the right side of the screen: it's there.

 

It's been 13 days, apparantly, and the Knicks still haven't signed anybody. So here I am again, saying the same shit. 

 

Look, y'all. The Knicks have an open roster spot. Supposedly, signing some random scrub "doesn't fit in with the plan". Quite frankly, I don't get it. I don't know how paying a d-leaguer to get tested and play spot minutes for ten days can't fit in with the plan. It does help to have a fresh body around, and if the guy is good, you keep him. If he's bad, you let his contract run out. (It's only ten days long - the ten day contract period started a few days ago.) If he's abhorrent, or if you make a trade that would require the roster spot, you can even cut him before then! For example: two of the people I mentioned in the last post were Dee Brown and ex-Knick Fred Jones. Both got signed since that post. However, neither is currently employed. Brown got signed by the Suns, and Jones got signed by the Clippers. Both got cut because Friday is the deadline for contracts to become guaranteed for the rest of the season, and because Dee Brown was decidedly shitty in his minutes behind Steve Nash or something and because Fred Jones got injured in the only game he started. (Which, by the way, I watched part of while sitting in the airport. Fred Jones getting injured and getting replaced by Mardy Collins made me weep heartily.)

So now, a few players the Knicks could sign, in addition to the people I said a few weeks ago.

Why we should sign: Derrick Byars.

You might remember Derrick Byars from when he was tearing it up with Vanderbilt a few years ago. They were in the NCAA Tournament, and he was the SEC Player of the Year in 2007. You may remember him from this post which I just found by googling "derrick byars" on the second page. Or you may remember him from this ESPN profile of his, where there's inexplicably a photo of Kevin Love where there should be a photo of Derrick Byars, and where we learn that Derrick Byars is owned in .1% of yahoo fantasy basketball leagues. Which makes me wonder how deep your league has to be to have a D-Leaguer who has never been in the NBA past training camp, but, that's besides the point.

But yeah, you probably remember him from Vandy. Anyway, I read a post about potential ten day contract signees on nba.com, and Derrick was #1, because at the time he was shooting .528 from three. That's .528. Which is over half. Now, obviously, the defense is a bit stiffer in the league, but coddamn, the hoop doesn't get any farther. His percentage has come back down to earth a bit, down to .507, but for a 6'7 small forward whose arsenal is not limited to shooting and who also is the primary scorer on his d-league team, meaning defenses are probably trying to stop him, to shoot over .500 at any level is pretty ridiculous. So sign Derrick Byars. Perhaps he can fill the "Unheralded guy who was a star at an SEC school and played in the D-League" role which Kelenna Azubuike has been filling for the Warriors for like three years now. 

Why we should sign: Salim Stoudamire

Salim was a Hawk for a few years, and was most recently seen failing to make the Spurs roster over such luminaries as Anthony Tolliver and Jacque Vaughn, and he barely got PT last year with the Spurs. But here's my argument. Anthony Roberson and Salim are essentially the same human being. Both are tiny three-point gunners who essentially do nothing else. Both sleep in the nude, and both spend most of their time off the court training their collective roosts of homing pigeons. So what I say is that we bring in Salim and have him and Anthony Roberson battle to the death, since Roberson - although he is shooting 34 percent, which is higher than I thought it was - has been mediocre or worse in his appearances, and has probably gotten less playing time than I would've thought a gunner in a D'Antoni system would get because of his poor performance. 

On the downside, Salim is a vegan, and I hate vegans. Shit, man, I'm cool with vegetarians. I know many vegetarians. But vegans need to shut the fuck up. I mean, dude, do you want us just not to milk cows? Huh, Salim Stoudamire? It's udders will explode! Just drink some motherfucking milk for once in your life. I bet you think you're so cool. 

 

Why we should sign: Shaun Livingston

You know the Shaun Livingston saga. A pretty sweet point guard out of HS playing for the Clippers who had the grossest knee injury of all time. Anyway, he got cut by the Heat today. I say we give him a shot. I liked him pre-injury, because he's one of them tall point guard types, and, for the love of Jebus, I feel bad for the dude.  

Remember when we had Dermarr Johnson? A highly touted, headband-toting, overly tall and skinny guy for the Hawks who got into a terrible car accident? Well, when he was injured for a few years and people wondered whether he'd make it back, the Knicks signed him, headband and all, because we saw potential. And dammit, we nursed him back to health. Othella Harrington gave him backrubs that sometimes lasted weeks. Lenny Wilkins occasionally breastfed him. And he regained his health, played a handful of games for the Knicks, and went on to have a pretty sub-par career afterwards, playing like, for the Nuggets and getting cut a bunch of tiems.

Shaun Livingston can be our latter day Dermarr Johnson. I rest my case.

 

So, look, Knicks. Sign somebody. Trust me. It'll make everything better. Or at the very least, it will give me one more player to reference in ten years when I challenge one of my friends to an "obscure ten years ago knicks"-off. Which is all I really care about. So get on that shit. And peep the poll!

 

 

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