This post is sponsored by T-Mobile.
I knew there was a reason I left the Player of the Week until today. Gian just informed that today is the 24th birthday of none other than P&T saint, Toney Douglas. Toney turns a year older fresh off a pair of splendid performances in road wins over Dallas and Philadelphia. Toney Douglas did what Toney Douglas do this past week, but if you think that's something, you haven't seen his birthday itinerary:
Things Toney Douglas Do On His 24th Birthday:
- Wake up. Take a quick jog around neighborhood to get the blood flowing. Put a 20-dollar bill in every mailbox encountered along the way.
- Brush teeth. Floss twice, for good measure.
- Drink three glasses of milk with breakfast: one regular, one chocolate, one yak's.
- Visit local elementary school. Read "Goodnight Moon" to bilingual second-grade class in English and Spanish. Sign language, too, for good measure.
- On the way back from the school, spot a scoundrelly individual mugging a helpless old lady. Chase down said scoundrel, impede his path in a defensive stance, and strip him clean of the lady's purse. Return the purse to its rightful owner while the scoundrel tries unsuccessfully to wrestle it back. And one.
- Guard crosswalk for neighborhood children on the way home from school. Spot rogue motorist with intent to disobey traffic laws. Step in front of car in a defensive stance. Draw charge.
- Call up birthday-mates Flavor Flav and Erik Estrada to wish them a good one. Receive similar call from James Madison. Yes, that James Madison. Toney Douglas don't ask questions.
- Attend local court hearing and defend innocent citizen against wrongful charges. Bring audience to tears with rousing oration championing citizen's innocence, all while in a defensive stance.
- Birthday Sex. Damn straight.
- Buy self a pair of Heelys, as well as 500 other pairs for local children. Distribute Heelys to children. Cruise about town flanked by a parade of 500 children on wheels. All in a defensive stance, of course.
- Encounter three-legged dog. Amputate own leg and donate to dog. Regrow own leg.
- Call Al Harrington. Urge him to do what Toney Douglas do. No luck. Maybe next year.
- Go to nursing home to participate in game of Scrabble with a loving gaggle of elderly women. Play the word "DWTDD" on a triple word score for a total of 33 points. Yes, it counts. Let the old ladies win.
- Bed at 9 p.m. Sleep soundly in a defensive stance.
Happy Birthday to our player of the week, Toney Douglas. Remember that Toney's birthday is really a birthday of the people, and mainly the children. Do what Toney Douglas do today.