P&T Lockout Lifestylez: Toast

During this horrible, terrible lockout, we at P&T will use our free time to get to know each other better and learn from one another by sharing the non-Knicks aspects of our being. As often as I can manage, we'll take on a new topic and whatever nonsense comes with it.

Today's topic: Toast and toasting (but not posting).

I love toast. I eat it several times a week for breakfast or lunch. When I was little my mom fed me whole wheat toast, either with butter or peanut butter. While I'm still totally down for either of those meals, my thing now is to eat rye or whole wheat toast with goat cheese or hummus 'n' some cucumber slices 'n' cumin (that's more of a lunch toast).

I'm a light toaster. I like a light, even brown toast that's still somewhat spongy. This is especially true for bagels, which I toast only for moments. I can achieve the desired light brownness pretty reliably, too, because I have a really good relationship with my toaster. See, my toaster is kind of shitty, but I've learned its whims to the point that I can override its natural tendency toward scorching my breakfast. It has six heat settings and a "defrost" button. I know that a room-temperature slice of bread needs one toasting at the halfway point between 4 and 5 to reach my desired brownness. I know that a frozen slice of bread needs one toasting at 5.5 with the "defrost" function on, then about half a toasting at level 3 (and I manually abort the toasting by forcing the plunger thing upward. Fuck the "cancel" button.). When I was at school, we had an especially terrible toaster that required me to reach in and flip the bread back-to-front AND top-to-bottom if I didn't want uneven toasting. In both cases, I figured out how to efficiently manipulate my toaster's habits so that I could have delicious toast. I'm of the opinion that everybody should have that kind of relationship with his or her toaster. If you're the type that permits your toaster to do a shitty job, then I don't think you're qualified to be anybody's boss. Leadership sometimes requires playing to your charges' strengths while correcting for their weaknesses, and that begins at breakfast time.

RELEVANT QUESTIONS

- What kind of bread do you favor for your toast? I'm interested in both your diner answer (i.e. white, wheat, or rye) and your more specific at-home answer.

- What's your toast topping of choice?

- How is your relationship with your toaster?

- Do you ever put weird stuff in the toaster?

- Do any of you have toaster ovens? Yeah? That's cool. Good for you. My family had one when I was little.

- What other important things do you have to say about toast?

RELEVANT CALVIN AND HOBBES STRIP

RELEVANT KNICKS CONTENT

A brief rundown of what the Knicks put on their toast:

Toney Douglas: Nothing. Plain.

Landry Fields: Butter and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Andy Rautins: Butter and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Amar'e Stoudemire: Cream cheese, lox, gefilte fish, matzo crumbs, and Hannukah gelt still in the wrapper.

Anthony Carter: Guava preserves.

Shawne Williams: Poop.

Shelden Williams: An entire halibut, scaled and gutted, but not boned.

Carmelo Anthony: "Carmarmalade", which is just butter, honey, and strawberry jam.

Derrick Brown: Melted Tootsie Rolls.

Jared Jeffries: Other slices of toast

Iman Shumpert: Light butter on both sides and eight slices of Juicy Fruit.

Chauncey Billups: Butter and broken glass.

Josh Harrellson: Ranch dressing and bear jerky.

Roger Mason: Who cares?

Bill Walker: Baked ziti.

Ronny Turiaf: Ham and cheese! Croque-monsieur!

Renaldo Balkman: A grilled cheese sandwich with hot sauce, blended into a spreadable paste.

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