Basketball has returned. Do you have any idea who the "Celtics" are? I don't.
What's up with the Celtics?
Well, it is a little hard to sum up all that happened in the abbreviated offseason, but if you take out all the drama and rumors, the Celtics did about what most people thought they would. They added depth to the bench and will run back the Big 3 and Rondo, hoping to squeeze one more championship out of that core. Where things go after that is anyone's guess, and if rumors can be believed, Danny won't hesitate to make big changes if he thinks it will help him in the short and long term. In the immediate future, it looks like Paul Pierce might miss the opener against the Knicks and the team is looking to sign waived free agent Mickael Peitrus to shore up the wing (doubtful that he'd be available for opening day).
The Celtics have indeed signed Pietrus since Jeff wrote this. He won't play.
Meet the new Celtics!
Brandon Bass- Brandon is a bit puzzled by his new nickname, "Smaller, Remarkably More Chiseled Baby".
Keyon Dooling- Keyon asked to be traded to the Celtics mainly so he could have regular access to South Station, where he's already been spotted running face-first into walls in hopes of finding Hogwarts (where he intends to sign his next long-term contract).
E'Twaun Moore and JaJuan Johnson- These two Purdue friends insisted on being drafted by the same team so they could continue their years-long debate over whether the rule is "A" before "U", except after "JaJ" or "U" before "A", except after "E'Tw".
Greg Stiemsma- Since joining the Celtics, Greg has been forced by teammate Kevin Garnett to operate and maintain the team's sauna room. When asked to explain his demands, Garnett responded "Greg? Oh, yeah, that's that guy that steams muh!".
Chris Wilcox- Chris is just here to hoard pastries and would rather not play any basketball if that's all right.
Mike Bibby, Locker Room Presence
Mike Bibby: [bursts through door] OHHHH, what's swagging, swags!? Y'all ready to swag the Celtics?
Toney Douglas: Mike, what the hell are you saying?
Mike Bibby: Oh, it's the swag master, Toney Douglas! How hard are you gonna swag the Celtics today, Toney?
Toney Douglas: I don't--
Mike Bibby: You're gonna swag Rajon Rondo so hard, Toney. So hard. Rajon Rondo is not a swag. NOT a swag. Not like you are, Toney.
Toney Douglas: Mike, I don't think you're--
Mike Bibby: TONEY SWAG-LAS! The swaggregator! The Legend of Swagger Vance! Jeff Swagwell! Swag! SWAG!
Toney: You're not using that word correc--
Mike Bibby: SWAG! SWAAAAAAG!
Toney: --...correctly. Well, actually that right there is closer to the proper usage.
Renaldo Balkman's Pre-Game Recipe
Peanut Butter and Licorice Sandwiches on Warm Fruit Pastries
One package Strawberry/Strawberry Milkshake/Wildlicious Wild Strawberry Pop-Tarts
Two stalks Twizzlers Watermelon Pull N' Peel
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter
Pop Rocks to taste
1. Remove Pop-Tarts from packaging, lay side-by-side on a flat surface, then sit on them to warm (microwave/toaster take too long). Breathe hot air on to tarts as needed.
2. Once tarts are warmed to desired temperature, spread peanut butter on the flat underside of one tart.
3. Pull and peel both stalks of Pull N' Peel so that they are divided into many thin strands. Lay strands lengthwise atop the layer of peanut butter.
4. Sprinkle Pop Rocks to taste.
5. Top with other tart, serve immediately.
Who's the douchiest Celtic?
THE NOMINEES, assembled with the help of Google's commonest queries:
VERDICT: Kevin Garnett is the douchiest Celtic.
And now you're ready for the Celtics!