Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Knicks at Lakers- 12/29/11

LOS ANGELES, CA - DECEMBER 27: Steve Blake #5 of the Los Angeles Lakers goes up for a shot against Enes Kanter #0 of the Utah Jazz at Staples Center on December 27, 2011 in Los Angeles, California. The Lakers won 96-71. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)

A Laker: One who Lakes?

What's up with the Lakers?

From C.A. Clark of Silver Screen and Roll:

Life in Los Angeles is hardly peaches and cream these days. Or at least, is isn't on the Lakers side of town, a disclaimer which never had to be considered previously. And that disclaimer has a lot to do with what's wrong with the Lakers at the start of the season. The Chris Paul fiasco not only caused issues with the team (most notably having to ship 6th man of the year Lamar Odom out of town for, literally, nothing), it also highlighted that the prevailing viewpoint (even within the organization) regarding the Lakers is that they are not a championship team as currently constructed.

As the only NBA team to play (their only) back-to-back-to-back to start the season, it's no surprise the Lakers come into tonight's early season contest with a losing record, and the results of the early games have given as much reason for hope as for dismay. The defense has been better than expected so far, but the offense still needs a bit of work. Both sides of the ball should be much improved when Andrew Bynum returns, but tonight's contest will be the last without Bynum, who is serving the last game of a 4 game suspension for his hit on J.J. Barea in the playoffs. So the Laker team that shows up tonight is a bit of a crap-shoot, but it should be an entertaining game.

Also check out SS&R's game preview.

Meet this year's new Lakers!

Andrew Goudelock: Andrew chooses not to speak to his teammates, instead communicating through dulcet lute-plucking and rhythmic moans.

Jason Kapono: Now that he's in L.A., Jason is frantically trying to weasel his way into Kobe Bryant's entourage. With Pau Gasol and Metta World Peace already in place as "E" and "Drama", respectively, Jason's hoping he can replace Lamar Odom as Kobe's "Turtle". If all else fails, he hasn't ruled out being "Sloan".

Josh McRoberts: Unbeknownst to Josh, he is a latent fish taco addict and will fall into a deadly, gluttonous spiral the moment he visits an L.A. taco cart.

Darius Morris: Everyone on the Lakers thinks Darius is a journeyman veteran that the Lakers signed to a minimum contract, perhaps because he sidles around the locker room in slippers eating walnuts out of his hand and referring to all of his teammates as "sweetheart".

Troy Murphy: Troy seriously considered buying a personalized Lakers jersey over the summer, but realized he could acquire one and actually turn a profit in the process if he just went to their training camp and hit a few threes.

Adventures in Impersonating Pau Gasol on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: heyy

You: hello

Stranger: asl

You: 31, male, los angeles

Stranger: cool

You: y tu?

Stranger: 24 f uk :P

Stranger: u horny??

You: fairly

You: i'm sweating a lot

Stranger: sexy and what do u look like??

You: i'm 7 foot 1 with really long, messy hair and a sort of avian countenance

You: you?

Stranger: im about 5"6 abit smaller than u, long brown curly hair, brown eyes, slim and curvey

You: sounds nice

Stranger: and u sound hot to me

You: i'm pretty scary looking, but kind and well-spoken

Stranger: :P

You: and i had a much publicized break-up just last may

Stranger: :( i dear

Stranger: *oh

Stranger: u got any pics or wanna do dirty talk cus im really horny

You: yeah sure i can send you a picture

Stranger: ok on this or eamil and i will send u 1 back

You: i can send it here

You: [Link to this photo]

Stranger: ill have a look then i will get u one

You: that's okay, i don't need a picture

You: i have a very good imagination

Stranger: ok do u have any.... dirty ones

You: sure

You: [Link to this photo]

Stranger: thats cool but more dirty

You: [Link to this photo]

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Metta World Peace, née Ron Artest, re-names all of the Knicks

Carmelo Anthony = "Champion Sounds"

Renaldo Balkman = "Bad Beaver Lady"

Mike Bibby = "It's Sweet Harmony"

Tyson Chandler = "Marcus Why Can't We Be Friends"

Baron Davis = "F. Beagle Stewart"

Toney Douglas = "Douglas Antonio Starz"

Landry Fields = "Arthur Christmas"

Josh Harrellson = "Big Rainbow Baby"

Jared Jeffries = "Alpha Samson And Delilah"

Jerome Jordan = "Ethan"

Jeremy Lin = "Mao Ocean Spray"

Steve Novak = "Happiness Yeast"

Iman Shumpert = "Shark Shark Shark Shark"

Amar'e Stoudemire = "Can't Hardly Wait Liebowitz"

Bill Walker = "Omarion.6.0"

Jared Jeffries's Joke Junction!

Jeffries_medium

Q: What's purple and gold and white all over?

A: The Lakers, except for the parts of their bodies that are not covered by their uniforms, which are either sort of off-white/peach or varying shades of mocha brown. Troy Murphy is sorta jonquil, except for the parts that are covered by his uniform, of course, which are purple, gold, and white. All over. What number does he wear for the Lakers? I hope it's not 3. He always looked so weird wearing number 3.

And now you're ready for Knicks-Lakers!

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