Know the Prospect *GM EDITION*: John Gabriel

With the departure of the sure-handed, straight-shooting Donald Walsh, our front office has a Death Star sized crater left in the middle of it. Glen Grunwald was pushed into the oval office in the interim. Thankfully, Donnie is still around for the time being, and will contribute to the draft process. There are many prospects out there and i would like to take some time to look at few of them. My guess is that we will not name a new President/General Manager until after the Collective Bargaining Agreement has been settled or (hashem forbid) the lockout has concluded.

Unfortunately for your reading pleasure, I completely lack enthusiasm in any capacity, and am entirely filled with vitriol. Nevertheless I will attempt to provide a marginally informative -albeit drab and tedious- description of some of the bigger names in the Front Office Free Agent Pool (FOFAP).

I would like to continue this 47-part series with one of the original cap-clearing whores of the FOFAP-mosphere, John Gabriel. This total bastard was one of the first people to try aligning the stars (as we just attempted, and the Heat completed) when he dumped the entire Orlando Magic salary in an attempt to sign 2 or 3 major stars (namely Grant Hill, Tim Duncan and Tracy Mcgrady) in one off-season. He came damn close, and although Duncan was probably never truly contemplating leaving the Spurs, he sure did dip his toes in the water (swimming joke).

He's a relatively cool guy, he's multi-talented, he lost 700,000 pounds at one point, and he knows how to move money around (cash rules)...

via www.hotstovenewyork.com

Who the fuck knows where this guy came from? He's a total enigma. He never played. He talked about coaching a little bit. But he came out of nowhere. He's weird, but he's our weird. He is the current Director of Pro Scouting and Free Agency. He won Executive of the year honors in 1999-00 even though the team only went 41-41, still nothing to be sneezed at. The players on that team were not exactly stars of the league. It was a, shall we say "balanced attack", led by Darrell Armstrong, Chris Gatling, John Amaechi and to a lesser, weirder extent Bo Outlaw, and a coming-of-age Ben Wallace.

Measurements

Height: 240 x 155... this guy is barely there

Guess the Weight: he's a lilliputian for real, i'll go with 2.2 grams.

Projected Draft Position: This guy sucks at drafting. He has had some of the most atrocious drafts i have ever seen. He had one decent year, in 2000, drafting (eventual rookie of the year) Mike Miller, and stalwart dork Keyon Dooling. He did strike fool's gold with Zaza Pachulia (42nd pick, 2003). But from Amal McCaskill to Curtis Borchardt, this guy don't know his ass from his elbow.

Actually Drafted Position: N/A, but he's responsible for drafting Jeryl Sasser among others.

Comparison

This palooka didn't break the mold, he invented it. He was certainly instrumental when it came time to dismantle the Knicks in an effort to sign players one summer ago. He had been through the trial and error, and his knowledge was invaluable. I guess his closest comparison is Sinead O'Connor.

The Clyde Factor

Jorn Gerbil, showing folly.

Cool Stuff

-There are other people named John Gabriel, none of them are really John Gabriel, though.

-He's a writer, an actor, a singer. Regular shit.

Actual List of Transactions

here's every transaction this genius ever made!

Punk Ass Amateur List of Transactions

-He signed Rick Brunson on the 30th, and waived him on the 20th!

-He traded DJ Rony Seikaly to the Nets for Stinka Dare and change?! (hoops hype says the knicks... but they trippin')

-He beasted on fools in the 1998 draft grabbing Michael Doleac, Keon Clark AND Miles Simon! Too fresh!

-In one fell swoop he signed (Seth's favorite) Lee Nailon and waived Mengke Bateer. This literally days after trading for him. He also received a chance to switch second round picks AND some loco named Remon Van de Hare (Keith Van Horn's Mexican twin, separated at birth). He got all this cool stuff for... you guessed it: Robert Archibald. What I'm saying is he got Lee Nailon for nothing.

Let's go to the video:

Jon Gabriel - The Gabriel Method (via GabrielMethod)- i don't fuckin have no idea...

John Gabriel on The Charles Grodin Show (via purplhayesc)- this guy ain't on the internet videonically

Things to Take Away

Being that Gabriel is currently a part of the organization, and has years of experience, it is within reason to believe this nudnik will wind up in the big chair pushing all the shiny buttons. He signed Doc Rivers to his first head coaching gig. It was controversial, and he was later dismissed, but now some people think Doc Rivers is one of only two or three good coaches in the NBA. Some people are fucking idiots, and want D'antoni the fuck gone. Perhaps Gabriel has an inside track on Doc's next move. Let me just say, if shit suddenly falls apart, and we need to blow it up, heaven forbid, I want this guy at the ready!

More to come, but before i forget, many thanks to Viva_la_Rosssa! for inventing a nice little template for me to springboard off of. You truly doin' a good thing!

It's about to get bucknutty, buddy!