Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Knicks vs. Magic- 1/16/12

We're back!

What's up with the Magic?

From Evan Dunlap of Orlando Pinstriped Post:

Orlando's off to a good start to the season, though the only real good team it's beaten is Portland; the Bulls and Thunder spanked the Magic. So it's not as though they're steamrolling folks.

One storyline to watch, apart from Dwight Howard's pending free agency, is how inconsistently Orlando's backcourt has played. Jameer Nelson is averaging a career-low 7.9 points per game and is shooting just 31.6 percent on three-pointers. Jason Richardson, who banged knees with David Lee on Thursday and may not play Monday, has been up-and-down as well. J.J. Redick has proven to be Orlando's most consistent backcourt player.

Orlando is essentially the same team it's been the last five years; its identity hasn't changed dramatically. One player for New York to watch is Ryan Anderson. The fourth-year stretch forward is averaging 17.2 points in 29.8 minutes and hoists 7.5 three-pointers per game, converting 43.4 percent of them. If the Knicks pay too much attention to Howard inside, Anderson can punish them from deep. Needling a Mike D'Antoni-coached team for defending poorly is played out, at this point, but it's true that if the Knicks' rotations aren't solid Monday afternoon, the Magic will get plenty of open three-point tries.

Meet the new...Magics!

Glen Davis- Magic coach Stan Van Gundy monitors Glen's minutes very closely and does his best to keep him on a regular, predictable schedule. Any aberration in routine sends Glen into an inconsolable tantrum in which he wanders around the Amway Center parking lots completely naked, breaking into messy cars with cloth interiors and "nesting" inside them.

Justin Harper- Justin travels with a binder full of dead moths he's collected. He's yet to find an Orlando teammate willing to trade with him.

Larry Hughes- Larry still can't believe people pay him millions of dollars to "chill in tubs, get massages, eat buffets, and sometimes throw the ball at the thing when everyone's yelling at me."

DeAndre Liggins- Since he doesn't get any minutes, DeAndre spends his time on the bench drawing surprisingly realistic flip books of his teammates' highlights from each game.

Von Wafer- Von is going from team to team collecting enough jerseys to supply his entire afternoon "Pre-K Sand Art with Von" class with smocks.

What do you call a player on the Magic, anyway?

"I think it's just 'a Magic'." - Jameer Nelson

"Magicman. ...Magician? Magicman." - J.J. Redick

"The younglings are 'magicians'. I am a 'mage'." - Larry Hughes

"I am 'Magicoise'. I don't know about the rest of these dickholes." - Chris Duhon.

"Magikarp." - Earl Clark

"HA! HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! WHAT? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! HA-HA!" - Glen Davis

"Well, each of us is magical in his own way. The Magic resides within all of us. We are people. Magic people. I am a person. So, too, are you. We share the Magic. All of us." [Removes shirt.] [Lies down on floor.] - DeAndre Liggins

"Wizard?" - Daniel Orton

"Justin." - Justin Harper

Adventures in Impersonating Glen Davis on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: sup

Stranger: watsup?

You: not too much, just playing this gameboy

You: how are you?

Stranger: i'm great. so what do u do?

You: play video games, eat pastas, go on water slides

You: or do you mean professionally

Stranger: haha i guess

You: i play basketball as my job

You: how about you?

Stranger: wow that's amazing

Stranger: i'm studying

You: oh

You: nice

You: do you ever go on sweet water slides

Stranger: haha what? i'm sorry u sound American, i'm not too familiar with your culture

You: oh yeah, i'm an american!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Rejected Dwight Howard Trade Offers From the Desk of Otis Smith

From Billy King, Nets GM:

Um, I've been told that if you give us Dwight Howard, you can have your own party satellite, up to four genetically modified attack seals, either of Rasputin's pickled testicles, and Johan Petro.

From Mitch Kupchak, Lakers GM:

listen dwight, are you familiar with ice cube?

he's big in the sitcoms and the movies

i can get you in any of those shows or movies. any of them. all of them.

here in LA, you say the word, and "are we dwight yet" will be the next big family release

dwight?

oh shit wrong im

sorry otis

lol

From Mark Cuban, Mavericks Owner and GM:

I'll give you Brendan Haywood, Rodrigue Beaubois, and I've got this kid in Moldova nobody even knows about. He's fucking 7'10", bro. I shit you not.

From Dan Gilbert, Cavaliers Owner:

yo u want lebron for dh

[Smith responds that Gilbert doesn't own the rights to LeBron James]

f u

From James Dolan, Knicks Owner:

GIVE ME IT

And now you're ready for Knicks-Magic!

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