Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Knicks at Cavaliers- 1/25/12

They don't seem that cavalier to me.

What's up with the Cavaliers?

From Conrad Kaczmarek of Fear The Sword:

Alright, so what's up with the Cavaliers? Well first things first, it's pretty important to establish that Kyrie Irving is literally the best player on the team. I'm not sure who that says more about, him or his supporting cast. The dude is 19 years old and has played in 16 NBA games. He's the best offensive weap...hold up, I just thought of something. This should be a pretty good game because the Knicks are all kinds of hilarious right now and the Cavs are pretty hot and cold. However, this game could go in 7 overtimes and have 5 different buzzer beaters and I would not be satisfied unless we get a Luke Harangody-Josh Harrelson matchup. Perhaps the two goofiest guys in the league and that would be completely fitting for the Knicks season if Harangody had the game of his career tonight, right?

Right, although Conrad's going to very disappointed to learn that Josh just had wrist surgery and is out for six weeks. That only bodes better for Harangody, though.

Meet the new Cavaliers!

Omri Casspi- Omri discovered that Cleveland's version of "falafel" is actually just ground-up corn flakes, cumin, and butter packed into puck-shaped patties. He finds the dish inauthentic, yet surprisingly tasty.

Kyrie Irving- After much groveling, Kyrie was given his very own whistle by coach Byron Scott and is permitted to keep it with him during practice as long as he does not blow it while any of the coaches are talking.

Mychel Thompson- Mychel regularly mocks Tristan Thompson behind his back for not being named "Trystan".

Tristan Thompson- Tristan, meanwhile, is convinced that Mychel is his own offspring and budded from his torso while he was sleeping last month.

Adventures in Impersonating Daniel Gibson on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Hey.

You: hello

You: i am boobie

You: how are you?

Stranger: Boobie? D:

You: yes

Stranger: What does that mean?

You: it's what everybody calls me

Stranger: Oh.

Stranger: Okay.

You: a moniker of sorts

You: my real name is daniel.

Stranger: I thought it was because you had actual breasts. x

Stranger: xD

You: a lot of people do

You: or they think i am a breast

You: neither of which is the case

You: i am a man who likes to shoot basketballs and make french toast and do dances

You: i do enjoy breasts, though

Stranger: Bet you 100 $ that I'm taller than you.

You: i'll take you up on that

You: although i'm not that tall

You: i just have a lot of dispensable income

Stranger: No cheating here.. Okay?

You: yeah, scout's honor

Stranger: I'm 6"6...

You: i'm 6'2"

You: i owe you 100 bucks!

Stranger: Paypal tiem.

Stranger: Nah.

You: man, you are quite tall

Stranger: The ladies love it.

You: i'd probably be a much more serviceable basketball player if i was as tall as you are

You: eh, actually...probably not

Stranger: Oh well.

Stranger: Daniel.

Stranger: Danny boooy.

Stranger: Oh danny booooy.

You: lease: Boobie!

You: *please

Stranger: Boobie.

You: thanks

You: i think we're friends enough now for you to call me that

Stranger: The best kind of bees.

Stranger: BOOO BEEEES.

You: agreed!

You: although it sounds like you're jeering stinging insects, though

You: which seems rash

Stranger: I have a boner.

Stranger: What do.

Stranger: As a fellow tall brother.

Stranger: Advice a fellow tall brother.

Stranger: What to do.

You: well, are you in a public place?

You: does it need to be concealed?

Stranger: Sitting in my house.

Stranger: It's all good.

You: then do whatever you please with it!

Stranger: I think I shall leave it be.

You: sometimes that's the right move.

Stranger: One does occasionally enjoy a casual wank.

You: of course

Stranger: You.

Stranger: Are awesome.

You: thanks! you seem like a pretty splendid individual yourself.

Stranger: Marvelous!

Stranger: Now, ask me something.

Stranger: Or I shall treat you like an otter.

You: the otter thing kind of sounds inviting

You: i'm curious to find out how you treat otters

You: if i encountered an otter, i'd feed it fishes and probably make it rebound my jumpers for me

You: so if we're in agreement on that, then i think i'll take the otter option

Stranger: I don't feed otters fish.

Stranger: I feed otters potatoes.

You: oh

You: also a pretty attractive option

Stranger: AND.

Stranger: If you're a good otter.

Stranger: You get gravey too!

You: i imagine that i'd make a pretty good otter

Stranger: I'll cook you a fucking steak if you have an otter costume, I'm dead serious.

You: boobie the otter

You: i don't, i'm afraid, but i am wealthy enough to procure that pretty quickly

You: i could probably have it made out of real otter

Stranger: Stop showing off your boobies.

You: sorry

You: how'd you know that I invented my own gelatinous unit of currency called "the boobie"?

Stranger: No no no.

Stranger: They're called "Boobies"

Stranger: And each woman comes equipped with 2.

You: right, i know about those

You: i have a notoriously buxom wife

Stranger: So why aren't you fucking the brains out of your notoriously buxom wife?

Stranger: Instead, you're here.

Stranger: Talking to a guy

Stranger: That wants to feed you potatoes and gravey.

You: well, i have to be at work pretty soon

Stranger: You could still go for a round with her if you're quick.

Stranger: Just saying.

You: yeah

You: although some people recommend abstinence before athletic activity

You: sex saps one's competitive fire, they say

You: not that i have much in the first place. i kind of just hang out and wear a headband

Stranger: Quite.

Stranger: Daniel? Danny boy?

You: i only respond to Boobie

Stranger: Am I weird?

Stranger: Boobie.

You: hi

Stranger: Am I weird?

You: you seem pretty weird, yes

Stranger: Quite.

Stranger: In a creepy way?

You: not that that's a bad thing

You: no, you don't seem especially creepy, at least not for somebody conversing with a stranger on the internet

Stranger: Oh.

Stranger: Okay.

Stranger: I trust that you have encountered worse?

You: i've met some pretty strange people

You: i used to work with damon jones

Stranger: Damon Jones? No idea who that is.

You: he's a pretty weird dude

Stranger: Damn straight.

Stranger: I guess.

Stranger: (I have no actual idea.)

You: trust me.

Stranger: I guess I can do that.

Stranger: :L

Stranger: Oh danny boy.

Stranger: I have to leave now.

Stranger: T'was nice speaking to you.

Stranger: Want to keep in touch? No? Okay.

You: that would be difficult

You: but be well

Stranger: Never mind.

You: i wish you the best

Stranger: Farewell!

You: bye

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Items Baron Davis Intends to Recover From His Old Apartment in Cleveland

1 mini-freezer filled with homemade Four Loko popsicles

6 mint condition, unopened issues of Highlights magazine

1 quilt sewn out of old Charlotte Hornets jerseys

1 iPod filled to capacity with mp3s of Sally Field screaming

2 toilet-trained puffins

1 ham

1 half-written screenplay for 2 Space 2 Jam

1 David Wesley

1 Blu-Ray copy of Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen

1 telescopic spork

4 quart-sized bags of beard trimmings, each marked "BALLER DOWN VEST 2013"

1 glow-in-the-dark bathmat

2 smaller hams

Jared Jeffries's Joke Junction!

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?

A: Well, this was going to have to do with the guys on the Cavaliers that have those numbers, but Manny Harris wore 6 and doesn't play for them anymore and 7 is retired for somebody called "Bingo Smith", and I see no reason for Harris to be afraid of that guy. He's not dead or anything, so it's not like he's a ghost. Anyway, the number 8 kind of sounds like "ate" and that's Christian Eyenga's number. Semih Erden wears 9. If Bingo Smith were to somehow eat Semih Erden by way of Christian Eyenga, that would be pretty scary for Harris if he was still on the team. I can't really picture it though. My tooth kind of hurts.

And now you're prepared for Knicks-Cavs!

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