I knew a Bob Katz once.
What's up with the Bobcats?
From Ben Swanson, magistrate of Rufus on Fire:
After the Bobcats' first couple games, I've really been impressed with how bad they've been since the first loss to Miami. I mean, I knew they'd be bad, but wow -- a 14 point drubbing from Cleveland really blew me away.
Boris Diaw had been the major part of the Bobcats' offense, doing a good bit of everything: scoring, facilitating, spacing the floor, defending, rebounding. But the Diaw-tanic hit an iceberg and sunk. He's since been a smaller part of the offense, had his rebounding contained, and generally just doesn't match up well as a center (who would've thunk it?). On the whole, the team's a stinker that's extremely weak in the interior and on defense. Augustin has been mostly solid, with some spotty range, but still runs a decent pick and roll, though nothing quite to write home about. Henderson is a very good defender, though still is not a sharpshooter by any means. Corey Maggette can still get to the line, but he's just plain bad. D.J. White still flies under the radar, but he is a talented and efficient player as a spot-up shooter and he's not bad in the post.
Off the bench come the rookies (Kemba Walker and Bismack Biyombo), the other young guys (Byron Mullens and Derrick Brown) and the rest (DeSagana Diop and Matt Carroll!). Walker has been a mixed bag, in that I mean he's been good in picking his shots, but they just haven't been falling. Biyombo is much more of a project, but outside of his tendency to foul too much, I'm very encouraged with where he's at. He gets good rebounding position, blocks out and is better on offense than I thought. Mullens will raise more than a few eyebrows, probably. He can shoot the rock. Boy am I looking forward to Mullens-Jorts tonight! I'm going to stop there before I have to get depressed and make short analysis of these other people (not including Derrick Brown, but I assume Knicks fans remember him).
Meet the new Bobcats!
Bismack Biyombo- When asked on draft night if he was happy to be selected by Charlotte, Bismack replied "Of course. Everybody wants to be a cat". He reportedly refers to Paul Silas as "Duchess" and sometimes licks him.
Derrick Brown- Derrick returned to Charlotte so quickly that the leftover pad kaprow he left in the locker room fridge appears to still be totally fine.
Cory Higgins- Cory has surreptitiously stolen all of Corey Maggette's per diems to date by crossing out the extra "E" on the envelopes.
Byron Mullens- Byron has a single strand of hair on the back of his head that he's dyed blond and allowed to grow down to his waist . He calls it his "ponytail".
Kemba Walker- While most rookies are expected to carry the luggage of their veteran teammates, only Kemba is used AS luggage. Tyrus Thomas insists that Kemba carry all of his belongings-- including clothes, toiletries, video game equipment, and a four foot-long ivory scepter-- to and from hotels and team transportation on his person without the use of any bags.
Reggie Williams- One of the incentives in Reggie's contract mandates that he be allowed to wear an apron and serve lattes in the locker room, and that all his teammates must drink them, leave money in his tip jar, and fill out customer surveys with their comments and constructive critcisim.
Adventures in Impersonating Boris Diaw on Omegle
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: I LIKE SOUP
You: i also like soup!
Stranger: WE SOULMATES
You: soupmates, even
Stranger: omg so funny
Stranger: what are u listening to atm?
You: i am listening to the muffled gurgling of my own stomach
Stranger: not bad...their first album was better
Stranger: why aren't you somewhere else now?
You: my job requires that i be here
You: thought, left to my own devices, i wouldn't mind being here
You: i have several friends here
Stranger: at least they pay you for this
You: quite a bit
Stranger: what are their names?
You: my friends?
You: mike and dan, two friendly brothers
You: their associate phil
You: though he called me smelly recently, so we're not talking
Stranger: amare sucks at basketball, i think
Stranger: i have that feeling
You: i think he is quite talented
Stranger: i like phil, though
You: i like phil
You: he resembles viggo mortensen and helped me develop an outside shot
You: though some would argue that my reliance on that shot has been a downfall of mine
You: at least at certain points in my life
Stranger: i imagine phil as a stereotipically stupid romanian nba player that is two meters tall
You: no, no
You: he is american
You: and not very tall
Stranger: yeah, i guessed, it's just my mind....anyway, i bet he's not really smart and gets all the girls
You: he seems pretty smart to me
Stranger: i dont know why i want to talk about phil...
You: not sure about his success with girls
You: well he's a fine fellow
You: and a terrific coach
Stranger: i wish vigo mortensen was my basketball coach
You: then you'd probably like phil
You: he has the same piercing blue eyes
Stranger: we would be throwing swords all over the place
You: nah, phil has more of a "history of violence" look
You: so picture exploding people's faces with shotguns
You: instead of swords
Stranger: history of violence was a great movie (!)
You: or perhaps eastern promises, minus the accent
You: that's phil
Stranger: but i cant stop thinking of swords now
You: i cant stop thinking of eclairs
Stranger: i had to google that, we don't even have that in europe...or we just call them differently
You: i am from europe
You: we definitely have those
You: they are of french origin
You: as am i
Stranger: that would probably be what we call ишлери in serbia
Stranger: i understand why you think about them
You: they are delicious
Stranger: now i'm hungry
You: serbia, though
You: do you know my friend vladimir?
Stranger: THANKS A LOT PIERRE
You: no, i am boris
You: why always pierre?
Stranger: dunno just stereotypes
You: i suppose so
Stranger: i probably know two or 3 vladimirs
You: are any of them very tall and one-dimensional
Stranger: one of them is, the other one has at least eleven dimensions
Stranger: but i cant talk about it
You: i miss vladimir
You: he is a warrior now
Stranger: is he also basketball related?
You: he plays basketball
Stranger: like golden state WARIOR?
You: not a warrior in character
You: definitely not
Stranger: damn...i think i know who you are...
You: oh, actually vladimir is a hawk
Stranger: yeah my man
You: you know who i am?
Stranger: yeah....like....boris diaw....?
You: yes, that is me
Stranger: omg im such a fan, cant believe this ish
You: thank you
Stranger: my mom loves you
You: tell her thank you as well
Stranger: she has a poster of you and all, she'll be thrilled
You: is it this one http://bobcatsbaseline.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/boris_dirty.jpg
Stranger: THATS MY MOM ON THE RIGHT WATAFUCK MOOM
You: oh i am sorry
You: i was gentle
Stranger: so pissed right now...........................
Stranger: i cant even.........shes lucky my dad died last week......
Stranger: if he knew
Stranger: damn boris
You: at least she isn't the one on the left
You: i groped her bosoms
Stranger: yea you did, you wild thang *highfives*
You: yes, high fives
Stranger: i'm quite ambiguous towards you, as you can see
You: i am familiar with ambiguity
You: my position has always been ambiguous
Stranger: yea, shooting guards, pfft...
Stranger: is he a shooter? is he a guard?
Stranger: i mean common people.....
Stranger: so, you in france atm?
You: no i am in new york
Stranger: oh. its like 4am now, why arent you sleeping, you big sportsman?
You: its 3:36 pm
Stranger: i dont even know, i just type random bulshit
Stranger: damn, wait, i just realized that i guessed you are boris diaw, not many people here would've guessed that
You: no, indeed
You: well done
Stranger: i think i'll buy myself a big box of eclairs
You: i'll likely do the same
Stranger: to celebrate, yknow
Stranger: i mean, you can celebrate your famousness
Stranger: i'll just celebrate this holy day
Stranger: when i met you
You: i go to the club, take off my shirt, and grope lady breasts to celebrate
Stranger: yea, that's also an option, but i get tired of that shit easily
Stranger: i mean, girls......cmon, i can just grab a pillow and squeeze it if i need it
Stranger: now, eclairs....thats another story
You: eclairs are unparalleled
Stranger: my mom just walked in my room........damn
You: send her my regards
Stranger: i think she sensed you, and she's kinda pissed at you
You: that's a shame
Stranger: dunno why
You: i thought she was a fan
Stranger: me 2 man, me 2....
Stranger: but it seems as if you haven't been answering her calls lately
You: i don't know what you're talking about
Stranger: maybe its just the xanax talking
Stranger: i mean, she takes xanax, im str8 edge
You: i am too, except for the eclairs
Stranger: wtf mom......she's pulling my hair, she wants to talk to you......
Stranger: no mom.........
Stranger: run boris..................................
Stranger: oh nooo
You: i don't run
Stranger: run.,....you fool....
You: you sound like larry brown
Stranger: i hate him
Stranger: anyway, need to go now boris
Stranger: its my time to go to a coal mine where i work
You: good bye
Stranger: boris diaw is such a nice guy, damn
Stranger: thx dawg, good luck
You: thank you
You: bon chance
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Bill Walker Made Pee in My Zipper Wallet
by Derrick Brown
Last year, I was a basketball player in New York, and I was given a locker next to this man Bill Walker. This man Bill Walker, I tell you, is some kind of deviant or a very bad man. One time he said that he needed to make pee, and I suggested that he go put his pee in the toilet, like I like to do. But this man Bill Walker asked me for my zipper wallet, so I took my zipper wallet out of my beige satchel and I gave it to him. Then this man took his genitals out right in front of me and began to make pee into my zipper wallet. When he was done, I no longer wanted to have my zipper wallet, so I asked him to give me my debit card and my Hollywood Video membership card and then I told him to keep the rest of my zipper wallet. I think I do not like this man Bill Walker. I miss my zipper wallet.
Steve Novak Has A Beautiful Mind
If you add DeSagana Diop's weight (280 pounds) to his height in centimeters (213), you get 493. 493 AD was the year that the Frankish king Clovis I married the Burgundian princess Clotilde. The children of Clovis and Clotilde that survived past infancy all had names that began with "C". Diop is listed as a center-- "C"-- on the Bobcats' roster.
Something tells me that's not an accident.
And now you're ready for Knicks-Bobcats!