Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Knicks vs. Bobcats- 1/4/12

I knew a Bob Katz once.

What's up with the Bobcats?

From Ben Swanson, magistrate of Rufus on Fire:

After the Bobcats' first couple games, I've really been impressed with how bad they've been since the first loss to Miami. I mean, I knew they'd be bad, but wow -- a 14 point drubbing from Cleveland really blew me away.

Boris Diaw had been the major part of the Bobcats' offense, doing a good bit of everything: scoring, facilitating, spacing the floor, defending, rebounding. But the Diaw-tanic hit an iceberg and sunk. He's since been a smaller part of the offense, had his rebounding contained, and generally just doesn't match up well as a center (who would've thunk it?). On the whole, the team's a stinker that's extremely weak in the interior and on defense. Augustin has been mostly solid, with some spotty range, but still runs a decent pick and roll, though nothing quite to write home about. Henderson is a very good defender, though still is not a sharpshooter by any means. Corey Maggette can still get to the line, but he's just plain bad. D.J. White still flies under the radar, but he is a talented and efficient player as a spot-up shooter and he's not bad in the post.

Off the bench come the rookies (Kemba Walker and Bismack Biyombo), the other young guys (Byron Mullens and Derrick Brown) and the rest (DeSagana Diop and Matt Carroll!). Walker has been a mixed bag, in that I mean he's been good in picking his shots, but they just haven't been falling. Biyombo is much more of a project, but outside of his tendency to foul too much, I'm very encouraged with where he's at. He gets good rebounding position, blocks out and is better on offense than I thought. Mullens will raise more than a few eyebrows, probably. He can shoot the rock. Boy am I looking forward to Mullens-Jorts tonight! I'm going to stop there before I have to get depressed and make short analysis of these other people (not including Derrick Brown, but I assume Knicks fans remember him).

Meet the new Bobcats!

Bismack Biyombo- When asked on draft night if he was happy to be selected by Charlotte, Bismack replied "Of course. Everybody wants to be a cat". He reportedly refers to Paul Silas as "Duchess" and sometimes licks him.

Derrick Brown- Derrick returned to Charlotte so quickly that the leftover pad kaprow he left in the locker room fridge appears to still be totally fine.

Cory Higgins- Cory has surreptitiously stolen all of Corey Maggette's per diems to date by crossing out the extra "E" on the envelopes.

Byron Mullens- Byron has a single strand of hair on the back of his head that he's dyed blond and allowed to grow down to his waist . He calls it his "ponytail".

Kemba Walker- While most rookies are expected to carry the luggage of their veteran teammates, only Kemba is used AS luggage. Tyrus Thomas insists that Kemba carry all of his belongings-- including clothes, toiletries, video game equipment, and a four foot-long ivory scepter-- to and from hotels and team transportation on his person without the use of any bags.

Reggie Williams- One of the incentives in Reggie's contract mandates that he be allowed to wear an apron and serve lattes in the locker room, and that all his teammates must drink them, leave money in his tip jar, and fill out customer surveys with their comments and constructive critcisim.

Adventures in Impersonating Boris Diaw on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: I LIKE SOUP

You: i also like soup!

Stranger: WE SOULMATES

Stranger: jk

You: soupmates, even

Stranger: omg so funny

Stranger: what are u listening to atm?

You: i am listening to the muffled gurgling of my own stomach

Stranger: not bad...their first album was better

Stranger: why aren't you somewhere else now?

You: my job requires that i be here

You: thought, left to my own devices, i wouldn't mind being here

You: *though

You: i have several friends here

Stranger: at least they pay you for this

You: absolutely

You: quite a bit

Stranger: what are their names?

You: my friends?

Stranger: yup

You: mike and dan, two friendly brothers

You: their associate phil

You: amar'e

You: though he called me smelly recently, so we're not talking

Stranger: amare sucks at basketball, i think

You: amare?

Stranger: i have that feeling

You: i think he is quite talented

Stranger: damn

Stranger: i like phil, though

You: i like phil

You: he resembles viggo mortensen and helped me develop an outside shot

You: though some would argue that my reliance on that shot has been a downfall of mine

You: at least at certain points in my life

Stranger: i imagine phil as a stereotipically stupid romanian nba player that is two meters tall

You: no, no

You: he is american

You: and not very tall

Stranger: yeah, i guessed, it's just my mind....anyway, i bet he's not really smart and gets all the girls

You: he seems pretty smart to me

Stranger: i dont know why i want to talk about phil...

You: not sure about his success with girls

You: well he's a fine fellow

You: and a terrific coach

Stranger: i wish vigo mortensen was my basketball coach

You: then you'd probably like phil

You: he has the same piercing blue eyes

Stranger: we would be throwing swords all over the place

You: nah, phil has more of a "history of violence" look

You: so picture exploding people's faces with shotguns

You: instead of swords

Stranger: history of violence was a great movie (!)

You: yes

You: or perhaps eastern promises, minus the accent

You: that's phil

Stranger: but i cant stop thinking of swords now

You: i cant stop thinking of eclairs

Stranger: i had to google that, we don't even have that in europe...or we just call them differently

You: i am from europe

You: we definitely have those

Stranger: damn

You: they are of french origin

You: as am i

Stranger: that would probably be what we call ишлери in serbia

Stranger: i understand why you think about them

You: they are delicious

Stranger: now i'm hungry

You: serbia, though

You: do you know my friend vladimir?

Stranger: THANKS A LOT PIERRE

Stranger: probably

You: no, i am boris

You: why always pierre?

Stranger: dunno just stereotypes

You: i suppose so

Stranger: i probably know two or 3 vladimirs

You: are any of them very tall and one-dimensional

Stranger: one of them is, the other one has at least eleven dimensions

Stranger: but i cant talk about it

You: wow

You: okay

You: i miss vladimir

You: he is a warrior now

Stranger: is he also basketball related?

You: he plays basketball

Stranger: like golden state WARIOR?

You: yes

You: not a warrior in character

You: definitely not

Stranger: damn...i think i know who you are...

You: oh, actually vladimir is a hawk

Stranger: yeah my man

You: you know who i am?

Stranger: yeah....like....boris diaw....?

You: yes, that is me

Stranger: omg im such a fan, cant believe this ish

You: thank you

Stranger: my mom loves you

You: tell her thank you as well

Stranger: she has a poster of you and all, she'll be thrilled

You: is it this one http://bobcatsbaseline.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/boris_dirty.jpg

Stranger: THATS MY MOM ON THE RIGHT WATAFUCK MOOM

Stranger: !!

You: oh i am sorry

You: i was gentle

Stranger: so pissed right now...........................

You: sorry

Stranger: i cant even.........shes lucky my dad died last week......

Stranger: if he knew

Stranger: ......

Stranger: damn boris

You: at least she isn't the one on the left

You: i groped her bosoms

Stranger: yea you did, you wild thang *highfives*

You: yes, high fives

Stranger: i'm quite ambiguous towards you, as you can see

You: i am familiar with ambiguity

You: my position has always been ambiguous

Stranger: yea, shooting guards, pfft...

Stranger: is he a shooter? is he a guard?

Stranger: i mean common people.....

You: yes

Stranger: so, you in france atm?

You: no i am in new york

Stranger: oh. its like 4am now, why arent you sleeping, you big sportsman?

You: its 3:36 pm

Stranger: i dont even know, i just type random bulshit

Stranger: damn, wait, i just realized that i guessed you are boris diaw, not many people here would've guessed that

You: no, indeed

You: well done

Stranger: i think i'll buy myself a big box of eclairs

You: i'll likely do the same

Stranger: to celebrate, yknow

Stranger: i mean, you can celebrate your famousness

Stranger: i'll just celebrate this holy day

Stranger: when i met you

You: i go to the club, take off my shirt, and grope lady breasts to celebrate

Stranger: yea, that's also an option, but i get tired of that shit easily

Stranger: i mean, girls......cmon, i can just grab a pillow and squeeze it if i need it

Stranger: now, eclairs....thats another story

You: eclairs are unparalleled

Stranger: my mom just walked in my room........damn

You: send her my regards

Stranger: awkward

Stranger: i think she sensed you, and she's kinda pissed at you

You: that's a shame

Stranger: dunno why

You: i thought she was a fan

Stranger: me 2 man, me 2....

Stranger: but it seems as if you haven't been answering her calls lately

You: i don't know what you're talking about

Stranger: maybe its just the xanax talking

Stranger: i mean, she takes xanax, im str8 edge

You: i am too, except for the eclairs

Stranger: wtf mom......she's pulling my hair, she wants to talk to you......

Stranger: no mom.........

Stranger: run boris..................................

Stranger: oh nooo

You: i don't run

Stranger: BLAAAAARGH!!!

Stranger: run.,....you fool....

You: you sound like larry brown

Stranger: haaa

Stranger: i hate him

Stranger: anyway, need to go now boris

Stranger: its my time to go to a coal mine where i work

You: ok

You: good bye

Stranger: boris diaw is such a nice guy, damn

Stranger: thx dawg, good luck

You: thank you

You: bon chance

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Bill Walker Made Pee in My Zipper Wallet

by Derrick Brown

Last year, I was a basketball player in New York, and I was given a locker next to this man Bill Walker. This man Bill Walker, I tell you, is some kind of deviant or a very bad man. One time he said that he needed to make pee, and I suggested that he go put his pee in the toilet, like I like to do. But this man Bill Walker asked me for my zipper wallet, so I took my zipper wallet out of my beige satchel and I gave it to him. Then this man took his genitals out right in front of me and began to make pee into my zipper wallet. When he was done, I no longer wanted to have my zipper wallet, so I asked him to give me my debit card and my Hollywood Video membership card and then I told him to keep the rest of my zipper wallet. I think I do not like this man Bill Walker. I miss my zipper wallet.

Steve Novak Has A Beautiful Mind

Novak2_medium

If you add DeSagana Diop's weight (280 pounds) to his height in centimeters (213), you get 493. 493 AD was the year that the Frankish king Clovis I married the Burgundian princess Clotilde. The children of Clovis and Clotilde that survived past infancy all had names that began with "C". Diop is listed as a center-- "C"-- on the Bobcats' roster.

Something tells me that's not an accident.

And now you're ready for Knicks-Bobcats!

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