Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Knicks at Wizards- 1/6/12

ATLANTA, GA - DECEMBER 28: JaVale McGee #34 of the Washington Wizards drives against Josh Smith #5 of the Atlanta Hawks at Philips Arena on December 28, 2011 in Atlanta, Georgia. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

They don't look like Wizards to me...

What's up with the Wizards?

From Mike Prada, master of Bullets Forever:

So, the Wizards are pretty terrible. You can see that from the 0-6 record, but trust me, watching it has been way worse. What happens when you take a team with subpar talent, surround it with a roster of young players with poor basketball IQ and tunnel-vision on both ends, throw in poor coaching, mix in a culture that rewards the loafers (cough Andray Blatche) and fails to come down hard on selfish play (just look at the team's projected starting lineup for tonight), drop in a failure to envision a way the players fit together and bring it all together with an organizational philosophy of "it's OK, we're rebuilding!?" You get this team.

It's gotten so bad that people are wondering if John Wall himself is part of the problem. Wall's production is way down and he can't throw the ball into the ocean right now, but as one of his handlers told Sean Deveney of Sporting News, "You can't raise good crops in bad soil." There will need to be a point where the Wizards go all-in to placate the face of the franchise, and it has to happen soon. This is the NBA. This is how it's supposed to work.

Until then, expect more episodes of infinite sadness.

Meet the new Wizards!

Shelvin Mack- Shelvin often gets confused when buying food because his name is the same as the universal grocer slang for stocking shelves with macaroni.

Roger Mason Jr.- Upon returning to D.C., Roger was delighted to learn that his new coach, Flip Saunders, has a laxer policy regarding pets than his previous coach, Eddie Jordan. His rescued gummy bear/worm mix, Spence, is now permitted to accompany him in the locker room and on the team plane.

Chris Singleton- The Wizards coaching staff has repeatedly asked Chris to wear regular socks instead of taped-up corn husks on his feet during games. They've even slipped fresh, league-issued socks into his luggage, only to find Chris gnawing on them later in the locker room.

Ronny Turiaf- Just this morning, Ronny found Bill Walker's long-missing XBox controller in his beard, and intends to return it to him after tonight's game.

Jan Vesely- Jan was recently thrown out of the Lincoln Memorial for spending a full hour trying to convince the 30-foot statue to "get up for once and come hit the clubs" with him.

Adventures in Impersonating Ronny Turiaf on Omegle!

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: hello~!

Stranger: how are you ?

You: i am very well thank you1!

You: how aare you?

Stranger: im fine

You: :)

Stranger: dude or dudet ?

You: i'm a dude1

Stranger: niice

Stranger: why are you in omegle ?

You: i havea few hours before i havea to go to work!

You: just a little bored!

Stranger: :D

You: how dyou make that smiley face?

You: i like that onea!

You: it's smilier than mine isa!

Stranger: ?

Stranger: wich one ?

You: the one you wrote aup above!

Stranger: this :D ?

You: yeah1!!!

Stranger: its just :+D= :D

You: :D

You: wow! looka t tthat!

You: thanks!

Stranger: no problem :)

You: :D

You: sorry for the typoas by the way

You: my hand is borken

You: broken

Stranger: sorry

You: it's ok!

You: just a feaw weeks on the bench

Stranger: how can you break your hand on a bench ?

You: well, i broke iton the basketball court!

You: but now that it' brokean i'll have to say on the bench

You: stay

Stranger: ohh

Stranger: that makes sence

Stranger: what do you work ?

You: ip lay basketball!

Stranger: nicwe

Stranger: nice

Stranger: :)

Stranger: well g2g good luck at the basketball field when you'll get better

You: thanks!

Stranger: gotta troll others

Stranger: :D

You: :D

Stranger: well bye

You: bye!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Since I had pretty bad luck today, here's a quick bonus one:

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: hello

Stranger: m/f

You: pf/c

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Mike Bibby scouts his former team!

The Knicks asked Bibby, who spent a few games with the Wizards last season, to share any intelligence he has about their habits that might give the Knicks an advantage. This is what he produced:

Andray Blatche: Andray mumbles a lot in his sleep, particularly when it's the night before a game or if you touch his ears.

JaVale McGee: JaVale washes his hands after going number two, but rarely after going number one or blowing his nose or just going in for a cursory wipe.

John Wall: You can tell John's mood by watching which leg of his boxers he puts on first. Right means he's happy, left means he's ashamed.

Trevor Booker: Trevor's phone conversations with his family sometimes sound a bit strained.

Kevin Seraphin: Kevin spends an inordinate amount of his alone time standing in front of a mirror and trying on different earmuffs.

Rashard Lewis: Rashard tends to be more liberal with his 2-in-1 shampoo/bodywash when he's feeling confident in his abilities.

Jared Jeffries's Joke Junction!

Jeffries_medium

Q: How does a bar of soap at Hogwarts spend its day?

A: Washing some wizards! Washing... Washing some, Washington. I guess that doesn't sound that similar. I was thinking of saying "washing tons of wizards", but if I remember correctly, the bathrooms, at least in the Gryffindor house, are pretty numerous and dispersed throughout the quarters, so, really, only a few wizards per day would use the soap for washing. Oh, I guess I also should have specified that it's a bar of soap in the boy's chambers, since the girls are called witches, not wizards.

And now you're ready for Knicks-Wizards!

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