What's up with the 76ers?
Since the Knicks and Sixers play back-to-back Sunday and Monday, I and my excellent friend Michael Levin of the excellent Liberty Ballers did a "Google Hangout" to catch up on each other's teams. It went on a little too long.
Meet the new 76ers!
Kwame Brown- Kwame's ketchup art-- self-described as "a series of ruminations on the flavor experience of ketchup, rendered in ketchup"-- hangs in the lockers of each of his teammates against their will.
Andrew Bynum- While avoiding basketball-related activities is helpful, Andrew's insistence on playing KIDZ BOP Dance Party for the Nintendo Wii kneeling on the floor in front of his television does not bode well for his recovery.
Arnett Moultrie- As fate would have it, Arnett has never encountered a bee. Not even once. He's spent plenty of time in bee-populated areas; they've just never crossed paths. It's the darnedest thing.
Jason Richardson- Jason has purchased every single item that has ever been marketed as "oven fresh". If you stamped the phrase "oven fresh" on a package of feminine sanitary napkins, Jason Richardson would buy it.
Maalik Wayns- In 1996, the entities of Malik and Wayans agreed to an unprecedented letter trade-- a simple but monumental one-for-one exchange of letters so that the two groups would become Maali and Waynks, respectively. In what is still considered one of history's greatest swindles, Malik absorbed the "a" but, in the eleventh hour, declined to part with the "k" in exchange, citing a previously neglected loophole in the Letter Trade Commission as grounds for refusal. Subsequent attempts at litigation by the now-struggling Wayns group have been futile thus far.
Dorell Wright- The conversion rate of Dorell Dollers-- homemade currency featuring Dorell's smiling face on one side and Dorell's smiling face superimposed onto the head of a bald eagle on the other-- to US Dollars is, as of this morning, about 0.88 DD to 1 USD. The Dorell Doller is strong.
Damien Wilkins- Damien continues to get NBA jobs because he declines all paychecks in favor of being "compensated in laughter". He doesn't even demand all that much laughter.
Nick Young- Even after several months, 76ers employees have made little progress toward fulfilling Nick's request for "beluga fur towels" in his locker.
Adventures in Impersonating Doug Collins on Omegle!
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: How are you?
Stranger: good n u
You: Oh, I'm terrific.
You: Thanks for asking!
You: I'm 61 and male. I'm in New York at the moment.
You: Sorry, that's what "asl" meant, right?
You: You weren't asking that I speak American Sign Language?
You: Because I'm afraid I don't know much.
You: I guess I could count!
You: Hey, did you leave?
Stranger: haha no
You: Did you remember to "Fall back" today?
You: Just a friendly Daylight Savings reminder! LOL
You: Hey, did you leave?
Stranger: haha no
You: Hi there! Did you remember to "Fall back"?
You: Wouldn't want you to miss any appointments!
You: Hey, where did you go?
You: Boy, you're a chatterbox, huh?
Stranger: haha yeah
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Kurt Thomas Has an Announcement for the 76ers!
Jim Todd Pep Talk!
ron. ronald. ron. they've got shooters ron. ron over here. i'm gonna give you this ron. it's a flak jacket is what it is. designed to intercept low-grade ballistics. i guess it's too much to ask that you bring your own isn't it. goddamn kids think you're invincible huh. not gonna feel so invincible when you've got rats shooting snipes at you ron. sniping. they've got snoopers. i seen that kid dorell hit a net from 25 feet away. didn't even blink. they're madmen ronald. the rat richardson's been doing this for 40 years ron. you think he's gonna spare you you've got another coming. put this on and if a shot comes your way you throw yourself at it like a catrabbit on a lambfish and take it right in the gut. you can trust this jacket. saved me in birkirakara back in 81 ron. if the big one hawes starts teein em up you come back to me and we'll get you a heavier jacket. godspeed ronald.
And now you're ready for Knicks-Sixers! Game thread will be up soon for a noon tip-off.