No, YOU tah Jazz!
What's up with the Jazz?
From AllThatJazzBasketball of SLC Dunk:
The Utah Jazz are having a strangely positive season (better winning % than the Portland Trail Blazers, LA Lakers, Dallas Mavericks); however, as a close observer I’m hesitant to go into full ‘homer’ mode just yet. Utah, just last week, lost a close game at home to the LA Clippers, got destroyed by the Golden State Warriors on the road, and came home and beat the LA Lakers. It’s an up and down season for this team bereft of star power. Yes, Utah is way better at home than on the road (what young team isn’t?) – but the formula exists on how to stop the Jazz: double Paul Millsap, double Al Jefferson, and make the other guys on the floor beat you with a jumper. The teams that do this almost always get the W on the Jazz.
The Jazz point guards are all kinds of banged up right now – having to rely on Jamaal Tinsley a few games ago. Our wings are to unreliability as Boston sports fans are to being obnoxious. No matter what the score, they are both going to stick to their guns and make you hate them. The saving grace is that the Jazz are recently getting solid contributions from our quartet of Al Jefferson, Paul Millsap, Derrick Favors, and Enes Kanter. Jerry Sloan may be gone, but we’re still using his "never ever take a three pointer" playbook. Somehow we have 13 wins this season.
Meet the new Jazzes!
Alec Burks- Alec's minutes have been a bit spotty since being drafted by the Jazz because his coaches and teammates are worried by his tendency to misplace the ball in practice. He doesn't appear to mis-dribble or throw bad passes-- he just loses the ball and can't find it anywhere and somebody has to fetch a new one.
Josh Howard- The "Josh Howard Rule" in the new CBA designates "cupcaking" a defender-- farting into one's hand and placing the same hand over a victim's face-- before initiating a drive as an offensive foul. Josh's offensive numbers have dropped accordingly.
Enes Kanter- Enes's first name is actually pronounced "eenz" but he's too polite to correct everybody.
Jamaal Tinsley- Jamaal insists that a member of the Jazz staff present him with a full pound of flour in the locker room. He eats some of it, sprinkles some of it on his teammates (they've learned to just go along with this and brush it off when Jamaal's not looking), and uses the rest of it to coat his skin so he doesn't "stick to stuff".
Adventures in Impersonating Gordon Hayward on Omegle
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi asl?
You: 21 male utah
Stranger: could you make someone sniff your feet:
You: like force them to do that?
You: what's my motivation?
You: do i get to go to olive garden afterward?
Stranger: you get money
You: can i spend that money on unlimited breadsticks?
Stranger: fuck off you fucking nobhead
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
20 Questions with Renaldo Balkman
(The answer is "Utah")
Renaldo: Okay, is it a piece of lettuce?
Is it green, though?
Yes, parts of it. Two.
Can you eat it?
Is it a person?
Is it a boy?
No. Not a person. Five.
Okay, is it an oppossum?
Is it a boy opossum?
No. Not an opossum. Seven.
Is it the number seven?
No. It's not a number. Nine.
Is it a number?
No, I just said it's not. Ten.
Oh, how big is it?
You can only ask yes or no questions.
Okay, is it big?
Only yes or no questions.
Is it bigger than a puppy?
Is it bigger than twelve puppies?
Is it bigger than a cashew?
Yes, if it's bigger than a puppy, then it's probably bigger than a cashew. Fourteen.
Okay, is it bigger than a steakhouse?
Uh, yes. Fourteen.
Is it bigger than the state of Utah?
Is it bigger than the state of Utah?
It...it is Utah. How the fuck did you get that?
Only yes-or-no questions, I thought?
Steve Novak Has a Beautiful Mind
Two players on the Jazz-- Derrick Favors and Alec Burks-- turn 21 this year, the same number as the one former Knicks guard Charlie Ward wore on his uniform. The Jazz have two players on their team with "ward" in their last names: Gordon Hayward and Josh Howard. If you cancel out the "ward" in each, you're left with "Hay" and "Ho", which must be an allusion to the Ramones' "Blitzkrieg Bop". "Blitzkrieg Bop" was released as a single in 1976, the same year that Raja Bell was born.
What were the Ramones trying to tell us?
And now you're prepared for Knicks-Jazz!