Now that we're done whipping each over the whole MDA versus Melo mumbo jumbo... we can get down to more serious business.

Like the origin (and maintenance) and power... of our new guru's goatee... 'cause that shit is FRESH!

So far, my best theory is that Captain Woodson takes that shit off at night, and places it in a laser-guarded hyperbaric chamber to power up. It's only been two games, and there remains the echo of impassioned debate... but there's straight up something magical about that impenetrable forest of follicles.

But nothing is for certain and this new administration is still pre-pubescent despite coachese's badass grown man facefur...

so for now, we'll trust in the mystical velcro that's got coaches lips on lockdown... 'cause Big Daddy Woodson seems to have mesmerized our roster of misfits, dorks, nerds, hicks, thugs and frat boys into believing the gusto that's getting spewed from his gloriously commanding sharpie-patch.

Any other ideas regarding our new secret weapon?