Draft, Schmaft: My Plan for Blowing Future Knicks Picks

Upon discovery of James Dolan’s personal email address, I recently sent him an email professing my love for the smooth jazz stylings of JD and the Straight Shot. Mr. Dolan seemed genuinely touched and wanted to show his appreciation for my support of his burgeoning music career. Long story short, I now own the Knicks’ 2018 first round draft pick (top-3 protected, of course…the man isn’t a moron.)

Some Knicks fans were disturbed when the team threw in two draft picks in the deal for Marcus Camby…personally, I was surprised they didn’t kick in three. Knowing Dolan’s negotiating style, I assume the deal went down like this:

Grunwald: “We’re just about ready to sign off on the Camby deal, but now the Rockets are trying to get us to throw in a second rounder. I told them to…

Dolan: “Screw that, give them TWO second rounders!”

Grunwald: “Umm…I’m not sure you quite understand how this process works.”

Dolan: “Three picks! That’s my final offer!”

Grunwald: “…we’ll just stick with two.”

As for me, I love the Camby signing, and I don’t mind losing the picks because my years as a Knicks fan have left me unsure just how draft picks are supposed to work. Why not spend a pick on some Greek guy who won’t play this year? Given the state of the Greek economy, if this dude ever makes it to the States he might just play for food money. Besides, they can always sign some 35-year-old Argentine…draft picks are supposed to make your team older, right?

Tossing away draft picks willy-nilly is a Knicks fan’s birthright. I know that the Knicks drafted Patrick Ewing first overall back in the day, because the conspiracy nuts bring it up at least once a week. I remember the Knicks drafting Frederic Weis, because I have yet to drink enough or suffer enough head injuries to erase that memory.

Since the turn of the century the Knicks have been making it rain draft picks in the NBA strip club, stuffing picks into the G-strings of GMs from Orlando to Portland. Pick dumpage is so engrained in Knicks culture that I fully expect one day to be forced to explain to my grandchildren why their 2048 first rounder belongs to the Barcelona Matadors.

Now I hear tell that a pick might have changed hands as a thank you to Houston for their not-unreasonable Jeremy Lin offer sheet. This might seem shady, except that we’re talking about the NBA draft here – it’s not like the number one overall pick ended up on a team owned by the league, amiright? And I for one am thrilled that the Knicks are finding creative ways to use draft picks, without the unnecessary burden of actually drafting players.

How else can they use their draft picks? The possibilities are endless. How many picks would it take to convince the Magic to deal Dwight Howard to a Western conference team? How many to persuade the Celtics to bench Paul Pierce for the last two minutes of the 4th quarter of each Knicks-Celtics game? How about a nice three-team deal with Memphis and Philly: The Grizz get the Knicks’ 2016 second rounder, the Sixers get an order of baby back ribs, and I get a cheesesteak (plus fries and a coke, should the pick fall within the top 55)?

Last time I checked, the Knicks still had some draft picks left in this decade. It is imperative that they get rid of them ASAP, before they spoil (draft picks are perishable, right?)

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