I honestly feel sick.

I'm lightheaded, my stomach is in knots ... I feel so depressed. It's so stupid and I know it's stupid, but it's who I am.

For some unknown reason part of me still believes they'll change their mind at the last second and bring Lin back. It seems unfathomable to me that a professional basketball organization would give up one of the most promising players in its history for nothing. But I know they aren't matching and I'm crestfallen.

It's not just that I'll miss Lin, although I absolutely will, it's that the team is yet again making a stupid basketball decision because of Dolan's ineptitude. I almost admire just how thin-skinned he is, that he'd be willing to give up the money and hurt the fanbase and have his team be worse at basketball solely for spite. It's kind of impressive to say that big of a "fuck you" to the whole world.

Why should I put myself through this? There's no reason to. It's because they got me when I was young. I fell for this team hook, line, and sinker. I truly believed Patrick Ewing was the best player in the league for a good portion of my childhood. I carried a stuffed version of him around with me. The Knicks were my Bar Mitzvah theme. My love for them is tied into my relationship with my father and the world at large.

I was young and impressionable. I had no defenses.

I've seen them tear me down time and time again. And yet, I keep coming back to them.

I know there's no hope of Dolan selling the team, so I'm looking forward to a lifetime of more disappointment and Isaiah rumors.

I'd be fine with the Knicks not winning a championship in my lifetime if Dolan would just sell the team. Because all I really need is hope. All I need is a reason to believe in and root for and love my team. Dolan is a black hole for hope: none makes it out alive.

I look at other teams and I think it must be nice. Look at OKC. A young, promising team that's well run. They may never win a championship (they have their own issues with the salary cap coming up having to pay Harden and Ibaka), but they'll always have hope. There's always knowledge that their organization won't just shit on them and hope that with a few breaks they could be champs.

I look at the Mavs. Marc Cuban sometimes says and does some stupid things, but he also sometimes says and does smart things and there's no doubt he cares about his team and will do anything to help them win.

Even Portland who has their own crazy owner, they're always a team that's in the mix and fun to watch, even while having the worst luck in the league. And while they may worry about their owner, they tend to make more good moves than bad on balance.

The hope I still have that we'll match Lin is not actually hope. In fact, it's the opposite. It's the false hope of a mind driven to madness by poor treatment, creating a pretend world that can be my happy place.

It's not just Lin's 25 games, it's making stupid moves for stupid reasons, it's giving up way too much to make sure that any hope of having a young player is dashed, it's giving up all opportunities to get better in the next 3 years which is supposedly our window to win a championship. It's about not just making us less competative, but killing all my hope. That's all I want, is to be able to hope and believe no matter how crazy it is, but Dolan's decided I can't have that because Daryl Morey decided to change Lin's offer sheet at the last second (which btw, we're rewarding him by giving him a talented young PG when he has no PGs on the roster and there's no one left on the market).

I apologize for this, but I'm just hoping there are a few of you out there who understand. P&T is kind of my support group when it comes to the knicks.