Upon hearing that James Dolan was looking for a personal assistant, I started brushing up on my ass-kissing skills:
"Nice goatee, Mr. D...really, very fashionable."
"You know who is a totally underrated basketball genius? Isiah Thomas."
"Time Warner sucks, Dish Network sucks, all satellite providers suck."
Still, I doubt I have the kind of juice to land such a plum position. Also, I have written a few fan posts critical of Knicks management on this site over the past few months, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that James Dolan cares deeply about P&T fanposts.
Though I have hope of landing the job myself, I would like to help Mr. Dolan by introducing him to a few quality applicants. Each person on this list would bring a unique skillset to the Knicks organization.
1. Charles Oakley
For those of you too young to remember, Mr. Oakley spent 10 years with the Knicks organization, from 1988 to 1998, as a defensive specialist, enforcer and inspiration for every Samuel L Jackson character ever. (The one expcetion being the film "Deep Blue Sea"...ain't no way Oak gets eaten by some motherf#@*in' shark.) He currently spends his time as Michael Jordan's wingman-bodyguard, but I'm sure he could be persuaded to join your staff for the right price, plus benefits, plus a walk-in humidor.
What would Mr. Oakley bring to the team? Authority. If you want to run a tight ship, Mr. Dolan, then you need Oak. Nobody messes with Oak. Apparently you felt like a real badass hanging out with Isiah all those years...Mr. Bad Boy Piston and all that. Well, Oak would put Isiah through a plate glass window right this second, no questions asked. Amare's not trying on defense? Send him to Oak. Coach Woodson isn't playing the lineup you want? Send him to Oak. Imagine the sheer terror of hearing the words "Mr. Oakley would like to see you in his office"...I just wet myself from typing that sentence.
2. Dick Cheney
Essentially the WASP version of Charles Oakley - menacing, terrifying, unkillable. Mr. Cheney's previous work experience includes backing up a spoiled, rich doofus who experimented with drugs earlier in his life, constantly failed upward thanks to his daddy's connections, and owned a team named "The Rangers." Sound familiar, Mr. Dolan?
At its highest levels, the NBA is run by shady, mafioso-style back-room deals - just the kind of environment in which Mr. Cheney thrives. Put him in a room with David Stern for ten minutes and I'm convinced the Knicks will end up with the number one overall pick in the next five NBA drafts.
As an added bonus, hanging out with Dick Cheney would mean access to his almost unlimited supply of fresh human organs, ready for transplant at a moment's notice. You want a third kidney? He can get you a kidney, dude. He can get you a kidney by 3 pm.
3. This Lady
Great with kids? Basic literasy skills? Reliable access to pharmaceuticals? This woman has it all. And I love the confidence here: she can put any kid to sleep. In fact, forget the assistant job...is there a Mrs. Dolan?
Update: I just realized I should put this question to the people...