As the hostage crisis known as the NBA offseason enters it's tenth month (give or take), the NFL inches ever closer to actual games that matter. In every sport the most pressing issue in training camp is keeping everyone healthy, and the Minnesota Vikings have gone to extreme lengths to protect star running back Adrian Peterson - any Vikings defender who touches Peterson in practice gets cut.
Seems a bit extreme to me. It made me wonder: are the Knicks the kind of organization that would cut a player for touching Carmelo Anthony? And what other capricious rules would the organization deem cut-worthy?
The Knicks are still looking for one last body to fill out their roster. Instead of speculating on who that might be, let's take time out to help this mystery player by filling him in on what NOT to do at Knicks training camp: a list I like to call "Do it and you're cut."
Disclaimer: These rules will most likely not be included in any future Knick contracts...unless the New York State Legislature passes Proposition 782 - a resolution to make all P&T fanposts legally binding - which we all pray they will.
Regarding Carmelo Anthony:
1. If Melo passes to you out of a double-team and you miss the shot, followed by Melo making his "I should have taken the step-back, off-balance 20-footer," you're cut.
2. If you're guarding Melo and he makes said step-back, off-balance 20-footer and runs back upcourt with a smirk that says, "That is NEVER a bad shot," you're cut.
3. If Melo finds out how much money you're making and deems it to be "ridiculous," you're cut.
Regarding Amar'e Stoudemire:
1. If you remind Amar'e that the 2011-12 season happened at all, you're cut.
(Tip: better to pretend that this is two years earlier. Some Helpful conversation pieces: "Anthony Wiener seems like a real up-and-comer...I bet he'll be governor some day." and "That Dwight Howard really seems to have a good head on his shoulders...so refreshing to see in a young kid."
2. If you check out his practice getup and can't control the urge to yell "John Stockton called, he wants his shorts back," you're cut.
Regarding Pablo Prigioni:
1. ¡If each text message to Pablo is not preceded by an upside-down exclamation point, you're cut!
Regarding Jason Kidd:
1. If you hear him slur the words, "Nah man, I'm good to drive," and don't IMMEDIATELY tackle him and pry the car keys out of his hand, you're cut.
Regarding the Knicks bench:
1. If you don't get off their lawn, you're cut.
2. If you park behind them the night before, blocking them in so they miss the early bird special at Denny's, you're cut.
3. If you don't listen to their stories that don't go anywhere, like the time they caught the ferry over to Shelbyville - "I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."- you're cut.
Regarding Iman Shumpert:
1. If you touch his knee, you're cut...like, by a switchblade.
Regarding Steve Novak:
1. If the belt is revealed, and you do not AVERT YOUR EYES, you're cut. The belt is the NBA's Ark of the Covenant.