P&Ter flossy pointed out yesterday that the Knicks have staked claim to the top spot in ESPN's team turmoil rankings. At first glance this looks a little ridiculous - especially Orlando at #2 (Why would they have turmoil? They just suck.) But you have to give credit where credit is due: ESPN knows about drama...if not so much about actual sports. Oh snap, Skip Bayless just accused Stu Scott of using PED's!
I guess the Knicks are just doomed to play out this drama. I see Mike Woodson taking the role of Clay Davis from "The Wire" for two reasons. First, he works with Dolan, so he must be crooked as hell - seriously, his changing agents to get the interim tag off was a total Clay Davis move. Second and most important of all, I can absolutely picture Mike Woodson walking around all day talking like this:
So what does the season hold in store for Team Turmoil? Lots and lots of zany, soap-opera-style drama. Let's check in on Coach Woodson just before tipoff on Opening Night.
Woodson: "Where the hell is everyone? Game starts in ten minutes!"
Assistant: "Umm...sir...Mr. Anthony refuses to leave his dressing room unless you guarantee him 30 shots a night. Also, he demands 4000 brown M&M's in a brandy glass."
Woodson: "What the hell? Since when do they get dressing rooms?"
Quick cut to Carmelo Anthony, standing naked in front of a mirror.
Melo: "I'm a star...I'm a bright, shining star..."
Back to Woodson
Woodson: "Somebody needs to talk to him. Where is his wife, where is Lala?"
One cue, Pablo Prigioni rides in on a moped with Lala Anthony on the back
Lala: "Let me talk to that bastard. We're through, Melo! I found me a real man...a Latin stud."
Melo rushes out the dressing room door
Melo: "What are you talking about, baby? I'm half Puerto Rican!"
Pablo, laughing: "¡You fool, half Puerto Rican cannot match Pablo!"
Lala: "Pablo and I are moving to Argentina. He bought us a ranch. We're gonna raise cattle and tend to his car collection. Goodbye Melo. Oh, and one more thing...the baby is Pablo's"
Melo, dropping to his knees: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Coach Woodson moves on down the hall
Woodson: "Damn, looks like Melo's out for tonight. Better check on Amar'e."
Coach finds Amar'e talking to Baron Davis. Amar'e is dressed like this:
Woodson: "Why the hell aren't you in uniform. We got a game tonight!"
Amar'e: "Coach, I've made my decision. I'm quitting basketball. I'm gonna focus on my lifelong dream of becoming a bounty hunter. I'm already in talks with TLC about making it into a reality show."
Woodson, turning to Baron: "And what are you, Baron, his partner?"
Baron: "Hell no. I'm executive producer. You wanna meet his partner? JERRY, GET OUT HERE!"
In walks Jerry the Midget, dressed in a matching denim vest, black fedora and Star of David necklace.
Baron: "Jerry, here, that's his partner. TLC told us they refuse to do any reality show without at least one midget. Think about it, Mike: Amar'e is tall, midgets are short. They're bounty hunters, they're wearing matching vests...I'm gonna be the next Aaron Sorkin!!!"
Assistant runs to Coach Woodson with a phone
Assistant: "Sir, Mr. Chandler is on the phone."
Woodson: "Tyson, where are you?"
Woodson: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN AFRICA??? THE GAME STARTS IN FIVE MINUTES!!!"
Tyson: "Well, you know I came here for vacation. Then I got to thinking. I won a championship, I won a gold medal, I was named Defensive Player of the Year. How can I top that? So I called my buddy Dave Chappelle, and we had a nice conversation. I decided that I should be playing basketball for the love of the game, not for money or fame. So I'm leaving the NBA. I'm only going to play basketball in small clubs in front of no more than 150 people, and if anyone in the crowd tries to make a bootleg video of me playing, I'm gonna stop playing and just stare at him for an hour. Goodbye, coach."
Woodson, hanging up: "Jesus, I don't even have a full roster now. What am I gonna do?"
In walks James Dolan
Dolan: "Mike, I heard you're short on players tonight. Don't worry, I found somebody for you. He's a little old, but trust me: he's a superstar, and the greatest basketball mind of all-time."
In walks Isiah Thomas, wearing a Knicks uniform