Knicktion: Melo And Amar'e Are Dating!

Recently, Seth authored a post about Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire's eating habits entitled Melo And Amare Have Been Dieting? Some folks read that as 'Melo And Amar'e Have Been Dating.. That got my mind a workin', and so...

Documentary Style:

Steve Novak: At first I was like "What!!!!??? Melo’s a GIRL?" and then I was like "Wait, I know Melo’s not a girl, I’ve seen him in the shower" and then I was like "Ohhhhhhhhh!!!" and then I was like "Eeeewww" and then I was like, "Well, OK. I mean, when it’s someone in your family, you still invite them to Christmas, you know?

Tyson Chandler: I was a little weirded out at first. I mean, I’ve been showering with these guys for a year, and, all I can say is, they hid it well.

J.R. Smith: They’re discrete, thank god! But, yeah, man, I do some crazy shit, I tried everything, so you know, whatever floats your boat.

Mike Woodson: Melo and Amar’e came to me late last season. I thought they were going to talk X’s and O’s. Man. I didn’t expect that, you know? I went to Glen, I said, Glen, what are we gonna do? We gotta trade one of these guys, right? Or both of them.

Glen Grunwald: It seemed kind of cruel to trade these guys, to split them apart. Trading one, trading both to different teams, trading both to the same team – all seemed like a shitty thing to do. So I said to Mike, let’s see if we can work with this.

Mike Woodson: Glen asked me to think about who on the team might be able to deal with this kind of thing, and who wouldn’t. So I started to make some observations. Two guys that came to mind, always making jokes, scared to go down to the west village, was Jeremy and Landry. And Josh Harrellson, dude made just inappropriate, inappropriate jokes. Not just about gays. Toney Douglas, great guy, deep, deep in the closet. Anyway, we got Mr. Dolan on board, and Glen went to work.

Glen Grunwald: I knew Ray Felton was a guy that was always getting into arguments with other guys who ragged on gays. We looked for veteran guys that had been through life a little. Guys secure enough with their own sexuality.

Ronnie Brewer: I’m a little creeped out to be honest. I’m getting used to it.

Kurt Thomas: (shrugs)

Jason Kidd: I’m bi, personally.

Iman Shumpert: So coach sat us down, first thing in camp, and brought it out. I was like, Oh, shit! But Shump does not discriminate. If you can ball… (bursts out laughing)

James White: I’m gay, it really got me run out of the NBA, I felt. So when we got the call from Glen, it was like a dream come true. Two guys on the same team in a relationship, man, I never seen that. I wouldn’t go there myself, though Cope is cute!

Chris Copeland: Ha ha ha, I’m flattered dude, but you’re not my type. Actually, I’m like the least gay person in the world. I wish I was more gay.

Marcus Camby: Yeah, when I was younger, I would have run from that, right out of the arena! Mom! There’s gays on my team! But you know, you get older, you realize there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Carmelo Anthony: Lala was pretty pissed when I told her. I had to tell her. But then after a while she was like, "I always kinda knew". So it was cool. We decided to keep it on the down low.

Amar’e Stoudemire: But you know KG, he found out. Dude couldn’t just be cool.

Kevin Garnett: Shit is disgusting, so I was like, "Melo, I’m gonna tell everybody your little secret, you better stop making those shots." I had to do something, ‘cause I’m old and I suck.

Amar’e Stoudemire: Melo started to panic.

Tyson Chandler: I was like, this is ridiculous. This is nothing to be ashamed of. We, as a team, should not be ashamed of this.

Pablo Prigioni: So we decided to, you know, tell all the secrets!

Mike Woodson: The guys decided they wanted to go public with it, during the London trip. I said, you sure you want to do this? This will bring a lot of stuff down on your heads. A lot more press in here. It’s a distraction, which, as a coach, I don’t like, but as a coach, I liked the team sticking up for each other.

Amar’e: My wife, yeah, she knew, that was all cooked up. She’s a friend from way back. She’s our surrogate. She never thought we should have kept it a secret in the first place, so now she’s like "I told you so".

Raymond Felton: Basically, it’s human rights man, it’s human rights. Who are you to say two people can’t love each other. Fuck you if you say that man, fuck you. This is who we are, we gonna beat your ass. Funny thing is, people be callin’ each other faggots on the court my whole life, shit just makes me laugh now. Yeah, y’all could use a couple of fags on your team! Ha ha, y’all lost to the fag team, how does that feel? Shit is beautiful.

Rasheed Wallace: Ball don’t lie!

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