KNICKS LOCKER ROOM, 7PM, 10/16/2013
Woodson: OK, guys, we just need to play hard and smart to beat the Colonels tonight.
J.R. Smith: The who?
Woodson: Now, J.R., I warned you against listening to too much rock and roll. How about some nice Marvin Gaye? It'll set you straight.
J.R. Smith: So ..... Some guy named Gay is going to set me straight? (shakes head)
Woodson: Just for that I'm going to put you in the starting lineup.
J.R. Smith: I thought I was already in the starting lineup. Coach, did you get into my stash?
Woodson: This isn't about my mustache, or my beard. It's about you being respectful to Marvin Gaye.
Shump: Wha? I'm getting traded for Rudy Gay?
Woodson: Hey, Shump, take it as a complement. Shump, what are you doing?
Kmart: He's trying to glue his flat top back on. Dude, it aint going to work.
Ray: He really wants to be one of those 'glue guys'.
Shump: Just... need... better glue.
Woodson: All right son. Anyway, the Colonels. They'll try to attack us by throwing pieces of fried chicken at us.
Amar'e: Man. Chicken should always be grilled.
Woodson: AMAR'E! Don't talk. You might hurt your knees more.
Kmart: How the fuck is talking going to hurt his uh, kn-kn-knees now?
Woodson: You too, Kmart. Bone on bone is no joke.
Kmart: Coach, I never even complained about my knees hurting.
Woodson: ZIp it! Zip!
Metta: (to Tim Jr.) Man, this is the first time I've ever understood what a coach is talking about.
Woodson: OK, so Metta can't play, his knee hurts too. Shump, can you step up?
Shump: I guess so, coach.
Kmart: Hey, Shump, you talked, that means your knees are bad too.
Woodson: Shump's under thirty, Kmart. Don't you understand how this works?
Kmart: Yeah I'm starting to get an idea.
Pablo: (to J.R.) excuse me.... These Hawks, they used to be called the colonels, back in ABA days?
Woodson: Hey! Who are you?
Pablo: Uh, I'm Pablo. Pablo Prigioni? Point guard from Argentina?
Woodson: Nobody ever tells me anything. Welcome aboard. Hey, how old are you?
Pablo: uhhh... 29!
Woodson: We might actually need you tonight. Be ready.
Pablo: Sure, coach.
Woodson: Ray? How are you doing? You ready to go?
Felton: Yeah.. uh, having a little problem with my hamstring here (his hamstring is outside of his body, and he is trying to sew it together with the intestine of a freshly slain cat).
Woodson: So you can start, right?
Felton: I'll give it a go, coach. Man, at times like these I miss Kurt. I'm trying to follow his youtube video, but it's hard to tell if I got the right kind of cat.
Beno: Hey coach, Ray doesn't look too good right now. I'm ready to go, I'm 100 percent.
Woodson: How old are you, Beno?
(Beno looks down, and says nothing).
Woodson: All right guys, I'll be in my office. just remember when playing the Colonels, when something is working, do something else. And don't keep running your offense down the stretch. Never... no, uh, wait, Always.. Panic. Actually, I have to look that one up.
Shump: Guys, we gotta do something.
Melo: Don't worry about it. I got this!
Shump: Why do you always say that?
Melo: Cause it's true, young fella. It's called leadership.
Chris Smith: We can get through this, guys.
Amar'e: Hey, isn't that sweet.
J.R.: That's it, I'm responding on twitter to that.
Melo: See, that's leadership right there. Way to go, J.R.
Shump: Oh, man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. We gotta do something. Amar'e?
Amar'e: We just got to wait it out, Shump. I tried to go to Mr. Dolan over the summer. Next thing I knew I felt a prick in my shoulder and woke up with a bandage on my knee.
Melo: I love this team! You ready to go Bargs?
Bargnani: My english must not be so good. It seems like our coach has gone batshit crazy and the team's in disarray. Why does this always happen to me?
Melo: Naw, naw, that's just english for 'Bargs you at the 5 again tonight'.
Bargnani: Aw man, can't I just back you up at the 4? Cole can play center.
Melo: Ha, that's a good one. Naw, Cole's not allowed to play. Alright guys, let's go get 'em. I got a good feeling tonight.
Kmart: Uh, Melo? What uniforms we wearin?
Melo: What'd Woody say?
Amare: He said the yellow ones.
Melo: Let's go with orange. I have a good feeling about these orange unis. They good luck.
Melo: C'mon guys, I got a good feeling about tonight. I'm gonna go get 40 tonight, the rest of y'all just have to score like, another 40 and we'll get 100 points and beat these guys! Do it for Melo.
Kmart: The guy's a b-b-born leader. Hey Amar'e. Are you texting Lin again?
Amare: What? Naw, naw, just butt dialed him by mistake.
Kmart: Ha ha, it's alright. I almost called George Karl last night. Well, let's get this over with.
Amar'e: C'mon Shump.
Kmart: Welcome to the new NBA kid.
Shump: Does it ever get any better?
Amar'e: It might. All things are possible.
Kmart: That's hebrew for 'Probably Not'!
Amar'e: Keep hustling kid. At least you get to play!