Knicktion: Team Meeting #7

Amar'e Stoudemire walks into the locker room with Beno Udrih. Amar'e is shaking his head.

Amar'e: Another loss. Damn. You know what that means.

Udrih: Another team meeting?

Amar'e. You got it. Frickin' Phenomenal.

Carmelo Anthony walks into the locker room, followed by Andrea Bargnani and the rest of the Knicks.

Melo; Alright y'all, lock the doors. Listen up!

Amar'e: Here we go.

Melo: You got something to say, Amar'e?

Amar'e reaches back into his locker, takes out a VHS tape, and tosses it to Melo.

Melo: What's this?

Amar'e: Steve Nash highlight tape. Watch it.

Melo: I told you Amar'e, I don't have a VHS player no more.

Amar'e: Get one.

Melo: (smiling) Man, step into the 2000's (high fives Bargnani)

Amar'e: Frickin' phenomenal. (to Beno) See, you just have to grow your hair a little longer, Beno. sweep it over your forehead, just so....

Melo: Beno, you gotta care about defense.

Beno: (Looking nervously at Amar'e) But... uh,...

Amar'e: Here's what you do, Beno. You just talk a lot about defense. You say, 'Defense Defense Defense'. And then you do what you do.

Pablo: Excuse me? This no play defense, only talk defense, I think it - uh - it's not working good, you know? I try but ....

Melo: No no no! That's not the way ti works.

Amar'e: Tell us then, Melo, tell us how to play D.

Melo: Well... you know, you just man up and slap at the ball a lot, and you know, hope the ref isn't looking.

Bargnani: And you use-a your 7 foot arms to block-a the shot!

Amar'e: What else? What about... uh,... what's it called.... team defense?

Melo: I ... uh, fuck, I knew this. Where's Jeffries at?

Amar'e: I thought so. All talk.

Felton: look, uh, guys, we uh,, OW! GOD! DAMMIT THAT HURTS! whew. Guys, we gotta stop bickering and just get down to the task of trying to remember how to AAHHHHHHHHH! FUCK!!! MY LEG!!!! SHIT!!!!!!

World Peace: Fellas, Queensbridge here. It's about the shapes of moments man. Trapezoids, like on a shiny plane of semi-existence. Ron Ron moves to the corner of the shape. The shape moves and the others move to the center of the sides. Nirvana occurs. Fastbreak opportunities abound. Dig?

Melo: I thought we were supposed to hire a translator.

Amar'e: That was Glen's idea.

Shump: Guys, he's talking about trying to get over the pick, but if you can't get over the pick, then the big man hedges and traps, but just enough to knock the ball handler off his pace, then the other guys compensate by moving into the spaces, then the big man recovers on his man before a pass can be thrown.

Melo: Plus, the megaphone of denial enlightenment.

Shump: Yes, we have to communicate.

Melo: Rook, speaking of communicating, you a rook, you got to wait your turn.

Shump: I'm not a rook, this is my 3rd year.

Melo: Then act like it. Wait your turn. Don't be actin' like you know everything about uh... what's it called again?

Felton: Defff---_AAAAAOUCH!!!!

Melo: Right. Defense. Now where were we?

Kmart: S-see, w-when they use the p-pick, I j-jump out and

Melo: S-s-so wh-wh-what youre s-s-saying is that if we all st-st-stutter we'll stop the other team sc-sc-sc-sc- (high fives Bargnani)

Cole: I think what K-mart's trying to say is

Woody (From behind the locked door): Shut, up Cole!

Entire team: Shut up, Cole!

Melo: Ok, anyone have anything else to say? 'cept you Cole of course.

Cole: Of course.

J.R. Smith: Uh.... hey guys, uh, I don't know... it seems like... we're real jittery and nervous out there... well at least I am. really just aggravated... everything's just jarring. moving too fast. too fast.

Melo: Well, I guess Chris succeeded in taking the stash to Erie. That's good news.

J.R. Smith: The basket... so small.... so far away.

Pablo gently comforts J.R.

J.R. Smith: Thanks man. What's on your head?

Pablo: What? (removes wig of longish, straight brown hair) Amar'e! I told you I no wear dis wig.

Amar'e: But it's made of real human hair. Really from Steve Nash. Phenomenal deal on ebay.

Pablo: I Prigioni, I not Nash. What, they do debridement on you brain this time?

Amar'e and Pablo stand and move toward each other. J.R. Smith and Shump step between them

J.R. Smith: Guys, guys, fighting is for losers. Your aggressiveness is really irritating me, something fierce!

Shump: I'm 26 years old. Why am I the voice of reason?

Cole: I don't know, Shump, but check this out (shows Shump iphone). 3 way with Phoenix. You go to the Bulls, I end up on the Suns. Who says no?

Shump: D-rose to the Knicks and Deng to the Suns? Plus, it doesn't work under the cap. See that? Trade Denied. Stick to your day job, Cole.

Cole: What day job? Sitting on the bench watching other guys not play D?

Shump: Touch-ay, my friend. (fist bumps)

Melo: Shump, you really gotta stop talking to Cole. Stop encouraging him! OK, so I think this has been a great talk. We got some stuff out. I have a good feeling about this. So what are we going to do for next game guys?

Amar'e: Nash.

Shump: Trade

Cole: Hedge and recover.

Beno: Shut up Cole.

J.R. Smith: I-I don't know, man.

Kmart: Kidney.

Pablo: Argentina

Bargnani: Orange mouthpiece

World Peace: Trapezoidal-Chuck matrix 17

Felton: OUCH!!!!

Tour'e: Vanquish all pretenders and rise to my rightful place of leadership. Focus these diverse talents and with tenacious D and opportunistic, trusting O, out work, out hustle, and outsmart the other team for 48 minutes, and let the chips fall where they may.

Melo: Great! We all on the same page, except for that last guy, what's his name. I so thankful that, being Melo, I can be a leader of this team. Now let's let Woody out of the closet, those of you who like to shower, go do it, and we'll get 'em next game!

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