FUHRY: I don't know Glen. You said 19 out of 20. He already lost one to the Grizzlies. Things didn't look so good.
GLEN: He may be too far gone.
FUHRY: Well, he's got another game to figure it out. Talk to him again if you think it will help.
GLEN: But... I just talked to him yesterday.
FUHRY: If you think it will help, otherwise, leave him alone.
GLEN: It's just that...
FUHRY: You love that guy, don't you?
GLEN: He's a sweet, sweet man. Dumb as a post. But hard not to love.
FUHRY: Sounds a little like Melo.
GLEN: (pointing excitedly) Yes! Yes! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME MR. DOLAN I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID ABOUT MELO!
FUHRY: Glen! Glen, snap out of it! Dolan's gone!
GLEN: No, he's coming back, he's recording everything!
FUHRY: Glen, he's in a courthouse in Norfolk, Virginia, arguing a non-existent case to a judge through the window. Security should be detaining him any minute. You're safe.
GLEN: (Exhales) Sorry man. This is going to take a while.
FUHRY: I understand, and I'm here for you Glen. But listen, I can' t have two adorable dumb as a post guys on the squad.
GLEN: You forgot Amar'e.
FUHRY: Him too? Damn.
GLEN: Well, at least he knows he's dumb.
FUHRY: That sort of makes him smart, doesn't it?
GLEN: Maybe. I will tell you this though, the guy knows how to get it done...
FUHRY: Down the stretch.
GLEN: Yeah. And he has this... I don't know, this
FUHRY: Infectious enthusiasm?
FUHRY: Too bad about his knees though.
GLEN:(waves hand) Oh that's not real. We just needed to knock him down a peg or two to keep Melo as the top dog, otherwise, you know, Melo would be even less efficient.
FUHRY: Amar'e agreed to this?
GLEN: Well, no, not exactly. I mean, we put him under and when he woke he had a bandage on his knee. Chandler was tougher, he's too smart for that, we had to use the flu on him.
FUHRY: Oh, great. What would happen if we traded Melo?
GLEN: Ha ha ha ha! See, then, because Dolan signed an agreement with CAA, they get him gigs and stuff, and he can do what he wants with the roster as long as Melo is still the main guy. See, Melo's got to be the lead singer, that's the way they see it. If we trade him then the tapes of Dolan with the Knick City Dancers-
GLEN: And the Knick City Dancers uniforms which he took home and-
FUHRY: GLEN! OK! I've heard enough. So basically, if we trade Melo.... Dolan doesn't get any more gigs.
FUHRY: And CAA will release the tapes of Dolan doing unspeakable things with the Knick City Dancers' uniforms.
FUHRY: And Amar'e, Chandler, and all the rest will be allowed to play to their full abilities.
FUHRY: OK, then. That's three awesome positives. Are there any negatives?
GLEN: Well... we probably won't get any more CAA clients to sign here.
GLEN: Yeah, I guess that's four positives, isn't it?
FUHRY: OK (picks up phone and dials) Hi Daryl. No, this isn't JimmyD, it's Fuhry. I bought the Knicks from Jimmy D. Yup. Hey, I just wanted to let you know, we're going to continue the policies of the previous administration when it comes to your organization. That's right. Uh-huh. Well, rape is a strong word, I don't like the connotation, but basically yes. Who's on the table? Melo. No. Daryl. Dude, calm down. MOREY, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE FOR A SECOND. I'm not asking you for Harden. All I want is Lin and Asik. Yes, I'm serious. Well, yes, your asian fans are going to be disappointed, but ......3 superstars dude. Three.... Suuuuuperstars....... Just like the Miami Heat.... BIG THREE....... BIG THREEEEEEE....... Yeah. Uh-huh. You won't have a point guard. Yup. OK, well, we'll throw Beno Udrih in. OK. Well, let me think. I'll throw in Hardaway Jr, but under no circumstances am I including Chris Smith. He's the future of this franchise. No, absolutely not. No. Well, OK. OK, then. AND Hardaway? No. Well, OK. Great, we'll send the papers over to sign. (hangs up phone)
GLEN: Oh man, Fuhry, you should have let me do that. You didn't have to give up Ha-
FUHRY: Glen, draw up a contract, get Penny Hardaway on the phone. He needs money. Sign him. We'll include him in the trade. I only said we'd give them 'Hardaway'.
GLEN: Genius! Actually, Penny still might be under contract with us. But what if Morey figures it out?
FUHRY: I don't think he will, but in any case Penny would probably be better at the point than what we've got now.
GLEN: Good point. No pun intended. But Mr. Fuhry, what about the backlash? We gave up a lot for Melo, let Lin go for nothing, then we're trading Melo, for Lin? We could have had them both.
FUHRY: Hey Glen, I rid this team of James Dolan. I figure that gives me about 10 years of goodwill. I mean, I could trade Clyde Himself and get away with it.
GLEN: You - you wouldn't...
FUHRY: Of course I fucking wouldn't! Jesus Glen!
GLEN: Sorry sir. It's been a rough few years.
FUHRY: I know.
---------------------------------24 hours later ----------------------------------------------
FUHRY is talking to GLEN GRUNWALD via SKYPE.
GLEN: OK, Fuhry, they fell for - uh- went for it. Deal's sent to the league office for approval.
FUHRY: Great, Glen! (ends call and picks up telephone).
FUHRY: Hi, Adam. This is Fuhry. Hey listen, I need a favor. I signed Penny Hardaway to an extension in order to include him in a trade with the Rockets. The trade should come accross your desk shortly. The thing is, I know that signing Penny is a bit of a rule stretch, but I was wondering if you could approve it. Uh huh. Well, the thing is Adam, I cooould sell the team back to Dolan. I mean I don't want to. No, Adam, believe me, I would. I really would (note to P&T readers - I wouldn't). OK, awesome. You're an awesome commissioner, Adam, way better than that other guy. Great. Bye. (hangs up).
---------------------------Meanwhile, at Charlotte Bobcats practice----------------------------------
EWING: So what you have to do, is, when the ball bounces off the rim, you jump towards it, and put both your hands on it. That's called a rebound. RE-BOUND. R-E-B-O... . excuse me, I've got a call (walks a short distance away)
EWING: Dolan, I told you via email, I'm not interested in dressing up in a clown suit and doing a halftime routine, and that's fin- what? Who? You did what? Are you serious man?
PATRICK EWING puts down the phone, jumps up on the nearest table, spreads his arms wide, and lets out a great victory howl to the rafters.
Somewhere up deep in the Bobcats team office, MICHAEL JORDAN shudders.
----------------------------Back in Fuhry's office ------------------------------------------------------------------
CARMELO ANTHONY barges in, with Elizabeth the receptionist following close behind.
ELIZABETH: I'm sorry sir, we triple teamed him but he still wanted to give it a shot.
FUHRY: That's OK, Elizabeth. We all know how this is going to end up.
MELO: What the hell's going on? You can't trade me! Where's Mr. Dolan?
FUHRY: In a Virginia jail, I think.
FUHRY: Listen, Melo, you're a cool guy, but.... I traded you to Houston.
MELO: You can't trade me! This is my team! CAA!!! CAA!!! (starts bad rendition of "I'm coming home")
FUHRY: Ugh, Melo, come on!
MELO: This is why I joined CAA. So this kind of shit wouldn't happen.
FUHRY: If you want this shit to not happen, you have to trust your teammates and trust your coach.
MELO: How can I trust them when they're trying to become the top dog? And everyone know that Melo's the top dog. This shit was supposed to be under control! Dolan was the one guy I knew was down with the CAA family.
FUHRY: Well, I sympathize with you, I really do. But I'm a Knick fan. I'm a New Yorker. This shit is poison out there.
MELO: Man, I'm all about New York. It's where I grew up. It's where I learned the game.
FUHRY: Shut the fuck up with that. You call this garbage we've had on the court 'the game'? That poor excuse for basketball is an affront to the whole fucking city of New York. Every kid on every court in this city knows what's on the garden floor aint basketball.
MELO: Who the fuck are you?
FUHRY: I'm Fuhry. I grew up in this neighborhood and now I own this team. I love you man, you're awesome in your own way. I'm sorry it had to be like this, but... get out of my office, and get out of my city.
MELO: Man, this is some bullshit.
FUHRY: You're going to do great. You get to play with Harden and D12. Have fun over there. You want a limo to the airport? It's a Bently.
MELO: No thanks man.
MELO leaves, shaking his head.