Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Special Knicks-Raptors Back-to-Back Edition!

Soobum Im-USA TODAY Sports

Prepare yourself for Knicks-Raptors!

(It's a home-and-home, I'm bored, and the Knicks are making me grumpy. This will not be a regular occurrence.)

What's up with the Raptors?

They're been pretty good of late. Check out this preview from Raptors HQ.

Meet the new Raptors!

Since the Knicks last saw the Raptors in the preseason, Toronto sent Rudy Gay out in a big ol' trade. Get to know the new guys:

Chuck Hayes: You know how Jerry West is the silhouette in the NBA logo? Chuck is the guy in the "WALK" sign at a pedestrian crossing.

Patrick Patterson: Guess what Patrick's cat is named. No seriously, guess. Okay, it's Catrick Catterson.

John Salmons: John was alarmed to find that, even though he'd drawn each of them a tiny passport, his scorpions were not permitted to cross the border into Canada.

Greivis Vasquez: Before his arrival in Toronto, Greivis's new teammates received a list of his allergies, including: cacti, raisins, things that look like raisins, human hair, sandals, and "weird babies"

Adventures in Impersonating Landry Fields on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hello f 24 years of age

You: hey there

Stranger: im glad this site exists cause im so bored lol. r you bored as well?

You: me too! i'm very bored. still got like six hours until my game

Stranger: want to skkype me now? my name is ----------------------

You: i'd rather just chat. would be tough for me to do video because my friend tyler is nearby screaming linkin park songs

You: it's really loud

Stranger: addd me

Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey..22m..writer...want to have a clean and friendly convo

You: hey

Stranger: how r u?

You: i'm fine, bored. got a while til my game starts

Stranger: how old r u?

You: 25

Stranger: which game?

You: basketball

Stranger: aahh..I c..so whats ur namw?

Stranger: name?

You: landry

Stranger: boy?

You: yes

Stranger: girl?

You: male

Stranger: oh...so Landry...where r u fron?

Stranger: from*

You: i'm from california

You: but i live in toronto now

You: currently in new york

Stranger: u covered the whole of north America there

Stranger: :P

You: ha, yeah, i have to travel a lot

Stranger: end to end

You: i actually used to live here in new york but

You: that changed

Stranger: oh...due to job?

You: yeah

You: toronto gave me a whoooole lot of money. no way i could say no

You: but i don't deserve it

Stranger has disconnected.

Cole Aldrich: Bench Critic

Screen_shot_2013-12-27_at_3

TORONTO:

APPEARANCE: CHAIRISH. BLUE W/ WHITE CUSHIONS

BACK SUPPORT: ADEQUATE. BACK REST COMES UP TOO LOW ON SPINE. PRESSURE ON THORACIC NERVES.

BUTTFEEL: SOFT, SOMEWHAT LUMPY

FLAVOR: CHAIRISH

AMENITIES: FOUR (4) LEGS, ZERO (0) CUPHOLDERS, ZERO (0) HD GAMING SCREENS

2.5 STARS

Jim Todd Pep Talk!

Jimtod_copy_medium

listen up andre i know these toronto rats used to be your friends. they betrayed you. i know what that's like. that happened to me back in the trenches in kathmandu in '29. they betrayed me. andy i don't want to alarm you but do you know about drones. drones. i read about them in a website. listen andrew they can fly planes with no one in them. they put the planes up over your head and they can see you and kill you. the nba gave these rats 48 hours to get you back and we can't let them do that angus. i got you this big hat. it's mine that's why there's paint on it. i used to wear it to go to the beach but they don't let me go to the beach anymore because i made a citizen's arrest on a terrorist crab. but you can have my hat so the drones can't see you from above and shoot you

you're welcome andrew

And now you're ready for the Raptors!

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