Knicktion: Big Man Depth in International Waters
This is a Law and Order SVU parody involving our beloved Knicks veterans. Parts of the story are inspired by some comments by DangerZone and from fuhry’s latest Knicktion, the excellent Knicktion: The True Story of Thomas and Singleton and Jones. This is my first Knicktion.
In the Knicks front office, basketball based offences (otherwise known as pissing off James Dolan) are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated scouts who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Injured Knicks Consultants. These are their stories.
(Law and Order Sound)
Sheed: [Mumbling in his sleep] Ball don’t lie. B-b-baall don’t l-lieee.
[Alarm sounds: 1pm]
Sheed: Dammit Boom-Dizzle! You said bein’ a team consultant was fun. Shit, I can’t keep getting up so early every damn day, I still got a sore foot man!
Baron: Yeah I forgot to mention the early wake ups. That part sucks.
Sheed: [Pullin up cut-off sweats and adjusting his blazer] Why did Glen and Woody want us to come to the Philippines anyway?
Baron: They said we got to talk to a couple people here. Used to play for the team and they said they might want to get them back at MSG. Our job is to track them down and ask them a few questions and then we can go back to fishing and eating M&Ms and po-boys in NOLA.
Baron: Alright. Grab your headband Sheed. Time to drop a visit to a Mr....Henry Sims.
Sheed: Ah hell no he’s 23, he ain’t no mister!
Ynares Sports Arena
2:15pm Tuesday 16th April
Sheed: Pretty big city right here. I bet they got seafood.
Baron: We got to focus. Look I hear a practice going on in the gym. Sims has to be in there.
Sheed: HENRY SIMS GET YO ASS OVER HERE!
Sheed: Have you played in the NBA before? HAVE YOU!?!?
Sims: Who are you?
Baron: Scouts Boom-Dizzle and Sheed [shows headbands], we’re here to ask you some questions.
Sims: Why are you holding headbands to my face?
Sheed: [pulls out gun from sweat capris] I DON’T FUCK WITH NO ROOKIES! I JUST AIN’T GOT THE TIME FOR BULLSHIT!
Baron: WHAT THE HELL? YOU’VE BEEN CARRYING A GUN?!?!
Sheed: Yeah, I always carry one. Even during games. Pick up games too. Keep em in my shorts.
Baron: Go easy on him Sheed please he’s just a kid.
Sheed: I ain’t going easy on no rookie. I don’t know what got into Woody but he’s gone soft. My last game he had me playing next to this rook with crazy ass dreads, a dude with a thing on his head he calls a flattop, and this little man speaking to me in Spanish. Shit was wild.
Sheed: Now Ima ask you again... Have. you. played. in. the. NBA?
Sims: Yes, yes. [sobbing]. Please don’t hurt me. I played a game for New Orleans this year.
Baron / Sheed: [simultaneously] NOLA?
Baron: Prove it.
Baron: Make us some gumbo and a couple of po-boys.
Sims: [prepares food in kitchen] Here it is. This is how I learned to make it when I was there.
Baron: He good. [takes bite of sandwich] I mean it ain’t touch how I make it but it’s definitely Louisiana cooking.
Baron: [phone rings] Scuse’ me I gotta take this call.
Madison Square Garden Offices
4 Pennsylvania Place New York
2:38pm Tuesday 16th April
Glen: Baron, are you there?
Baron: [on phone] Yeah. What up Glen?
Glen: Where are you on Sims? Please tell me you have good news...Jimmy’s losing it.
Baron: He can’t play Glen. He played in the NBA this year Glen. Signing him is against the rules Glen.
Glen: There’s another prospect in the Philippines. Find out his name and get to his location as soon as you can. We’re interrogating a prospect from China, and Jimmy just pulled out his guitar.....please hurry.
Baron: We’ll do what we can [hangs up].
Back in the Philippines
Baron: That was Glen. They grillin’ some prospects in the interrogation room.
Sheed: You mean Jimmy’s singing the blues?
Baron: Yep, he was singin’ about the weather in New York and shit. Sounds bad.
Baron: Listen rook, did you hear of any other players from the NBA that’s in the Philippines now?
Sims: Well there’s this one guy who was here before me. Everyone in the locker room still shudders at any mention of him. His name was Renaldo. Renaldo Balkman. He was quite...eccentric. Last I heard he opened up a pawn shop selling trinkets on Pamillican Island.
Baron: Alright got it, let’s go.
Sheed: WAIT! We’re gonna have to search your locker man.
Sims: Don’t you need a warrant for that?
Sheed: Here’s my warrant [raises his fists].
Baron: [opens locker] Nothing but old gym clothes in here.
Sheed: Locker don’t lie. We’re still gonna have to confiscate all of this. Sorry bro. Thanks for the help rook. See ya!
3:11pm Tuesday 16th April
Baron: So why did you take that guy’s clothes for?
Sheed: Look around you. I haven’t seen one dude here over 5’10’’. You think they’re gonna sell clothes that fit me? That guy was 7’, it was the only chance I had to find something to wear tomorrow man.
Baron: Well...I guess I got a lunch outta him too. I was damn hungry. Anyways, we’ve been walking along the shore trying to find this guy for a while now. My knee is starting to act up.
Sheed: Shut Up Boom. [reaches into fannypack] Throw this headband on it and keep movin’.
Baron: Alright, let me just move away from the water and fas-
Sheed: NOOOOO! What the hell are you doing, get back to where you were standing!
Baron: What is it?!?!?
Sheed: I don’t like water man. I ain’t never learned how to swim in North Carolina. You gotta walk in between me and the ocean.
Baron: Damn Sheed calm down. I think we found our guy. He’s in that hut up ahead.
Baron: [walking inside hut] Hello?
Renaldo: [wakes up from napping on a hammock made from his own dreads].
Renaldo: Oh sh-sshhhit [puts on roller skates]!
Renaldo: You’ll never take me alive! [falls face first in sand].
Renaldo: I swear I don’t know where that smoky smell comes from all the time. The Philippines is weird man. Prob some native shit or something.
Baron: What kinda store is this?
Renaldo: It’s a trinket shop. All the merchandise is made from my own dreads. People bring in shit and I sell them a rope or something. My dreads are this country’s main export.
Sheed: Tell us about your time on the Philippines team and why you are here?
Renaldo: Well I signed with the Petron Blaze Boosters because of the name. I mean expensive booze, a little herb, and drugs. Sounded like an awesome time. However, I sensed that I was mistaken while when I was lighting up a J on the bench my teammate told me that wasn’t allowed. I thought that he was a leprechaun so I tried to catch him to get to the pot of gold but it turns out I was just choking a dude. I guess I’m kind of a badass cause I got banned for life yo!
Sheed: You wanna see badass? You’re looking at the all time leader in technicals. Now get up, you’re coming to play for us in New York.
Baron: Nah Sheed, that dude ain’t passing no drug test. We have no more prospects for big men. I’m calling Grun.
Sheed: Need for weed, bowl don’t lie.
Renaldo: You’re looking for big men? I may have something in my store that could help you [reaches into bag made of dreads and pulls out ram horn].
Sheed: What is that?
Renaldo: Some dude in jorts came walking in with this and he left it here last summer. He said "If there’s any trouble, all you have to do is scream JOOOOOORTS and blow into this horn." Then, I heard an explosion and I turned around. It sounded like someone ripping a monumental fart unlike any fart I’ve ever heard before. I turned my head back and he was gone. I had to close the store though because the smell he left behind was considered a danger to national health.
Baron: [takes puff of a J] Word.
Sheed: [holding the Jorts horn] JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[blows in horn]
[a giant fart echoes through the skies and towards the mountains]
Baron: Let’s follow the stench. That should bring us right to this freak.
4:46pm Tuesday 16th April
Baron: Damn, almost at the summit. Pelican island was more fun than this.
Sheed: Ain’t the Pelicans the name of the team in NOLA now?
Baron: Yeah. Stupid stuff man.
Sheed: See what happens when you take shit outta North Carolina! Freakin’ Pelicans man. Ya’ll left us with this team called the "Bobcats". That didn’t look like and NBA team. They must of come from a local college cause I know UNC would stomp them.
Baron: Look, there’s some creatures up in that cave throwing rocks around. He must be in there.
Sheed: Yo! Any of you own this flute?
Jorts: [emerges from cave] Ahh. So you were the ones who have summoned me. How can I aid you in your quest?
Sheed: Why are you talking like that? We just need you to come back to the Knicks and play ball again.
Jorts: Sadly, I cannot provide you with dirtstrong rebounding and defense this year as the Knicks traded me. I was in Miami for a bit. but this Lebron guy on the team got scared that I was overshadowing his talent so I had to leave.
Baron: Then what are we supposed to do?
Jorts: Why don’t you play the guy that you traded me for? What’s his name? Camby.
All: [collective burst of laughter].
Jorts: Right then. Tell NY me and my jarts will be here until I can be signed. Good luck consultants. [retreats back to pick-up basketball game with the other yetis].
Madison Square Garden Offices
4 Pennsylvania Place New York
11:15am Wednesday 16th April
Baron: Sorry Glen. We couldn’t do it. Nobody down in the Philippines can play.
Glen: It doesn’t matter guys. It’s over. It’s done
Baron: What happened.
Glen: Jimmy just wouldn’t stop singing and playing the blues. Against all of my suggestions he refused to hire anybody whose name didn’t rhyme with his stupid songs. He gave out contracts to Solomon Jones, Quentin Richardson, and Earl Barron. It was horrible [uncontrollable sobbing], just horrible!
Sheed: Sounds like an open and shut case to me. C’mon Barron let’s roll. I heard they sell jumbo M&M’s at the dollar store now.