Knicktion: Fireable Offense

A Flu-ridden KENYON MARTIN ambles into the locker room. He notices TYSON CHANDLER standing next to the closed door of the utility closet with a puzzled expression on his face.

KMART: (sniff, cough) What, uh, Whatcha doin’ there Tyson Bison man?

TYSON: Shhh. Listen.

Both men stand still and quiet, and the voice of Mike Woodson becomes audible from behind the heavy door.

WOODSON: (frantically) What am I supposed to do? They got bigger guys. Now Shump’s knee is hurt. What am I supposed to do? Start J.R.? Can’t do that. Can’t do that. Make my eyebrows fall off again. Maybe I was a fool. Power forward gods, getting back at me. Traditional bigs. They’ve found me out! What am I supposed to do? Can’t start J.R. Can’t start J.R. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! We’ll just outshoot ‘em! No Mike D’antoni, that’s not going to work! Coach Knight, please don’t hit me! OW! OW! OK, OK, OK!!!!

KMART: What the, um, (sniff) hell?

TYSON: He’s been a little on edge… but when he heard the doctor’s getting on the plane to check out Shump’s knee, he ran in here and closed the door. He’s been at it for a half hour.

KMART: Man, dude’s really lost it.

JASON KIDD wanders up

KIDD: What’s going on, fellows?

KMART: (laughing) Coach lost his marbles man!

KIDD: (listening) Guy’s pulling a Byron Scott in there.

CHANDLER: This is not good.


AMAR’E: What’s going on fellows, you guys ready to be phenomenal tonight?

CHANDLER: Yeah, bud. Whassup. (they clasp hands)

KMART: Hey Amar’e, Go see Sheed. He said he’s got something phenomenal for you.

AMAR’E: No shit? Great. See you guys on the court.


KMART: Hey guys, remember when the NBA was the real shit, back in the day? When power forwards were power forwards?

KIDD: Yeah, man. Before all the whippersnappers.

KMART: When men, were, you know, men and shit (coughs).

KIDD: Yeah, like when we were

KMART: Nets?

KIDD: Oh, man those were the days. Back when you got the flu, and we wore the old Dr. J uniforms in the finals, yeah man.

CHANDLER: didn’t you guys lose that game, though?

KMART: Yeah, but uh, fugazi man. Byron Scott, you know. (sniff). Scott.

KIDD giggles like a schoolgirl

CHANDLER: Jkidd, you’re the man, but dude, hit some shots before you start giggling like that.

KMART: Oh snap!

KIDD: That was cold, man.

CHANDLER: Guys, we need to focus. What are we going to do about coach?

KMART: Hey, we can use this, man, we can use it.

CHANDLER: What do you mean?

KMART: Let me in there. I can calm him down. I’m a veteran. He’ll be putty in my hands. When we get out of there, coach will be coach again, and I’ll be starting. At the 4. OLD SCHOOL men, old school.

KIDD:(snickering quietly) Nets baby! (high fives Kenyon).

CHANDLER: I don’t know. If it wasn’t for the Parkinsons, Cancer, Lyme Disease, Mono, Valley Fever, HIV, Lupus, and Shingles I’m going through right now, I’d probably think this was a bad idea. But as it is… What was I saying?

KMART: Go get ready to play, Tyson. (sniff, cough) I’ll handle this.


WOODSON: Hey, Pablo, can I talk with you a sec?

PABLO: Yes, my coach, of course!

WOODSON: No, Coach Knight, No!!!!

PABLO: I’m sorreee?

WOODSON: Uh, nice night bro, huh? Nice weather here in Indiana.

PABLO: Yes I suppose, yes, I don’t know, I have not been out of the arena, I cannot say (smiles).

WOODSON: Uh, Pablo, I, uh, I gotta start Kenyon tonight. We need more rebounding.

PABLO: I’m sorreeee?

WOODSON: You’re gonna come off the bench tonight. Need more rebounding in there. Nothing personal.

PABLO: Excuse, me, my English, still not so good. You say you’re starting Kenyon Marteeen? At the 4?

WOODSON: Yep. I was going to start him instead of Shump, now Shump can play, so I still want to start him.

PABLO: Coach, uh, Kenyon, he’s not even that good rebounder. No shot from outside. Plus he, he’s very sick now. Also, I start, we win, since Kurt Thomas game, remember?

WOODSON: Who what game?

PABLO: Kurt Thomas game? Utah?

WOODSON: Kurt Thomas? I think you mean Sheed. Coach Knight! No!

PABLO: Listen, coach, I have better idea. Start me as always, like normal. 1st quarter, bring in Amar’e for Chandler. Keep Tyson around 20 minutes for game. 2nd quarter, bring in Cope at 5, like in April. We make Hibbert cry like a baby take away from his mama. Rebounds… eehhhh, we get enough. We score the points we win the game, Pacers cry like babies from mama. OK?

WOODSON: I don’t know Pablo, my Spanish isn’t that good. You’re coming off the bench tonight.

PABLO: Coach, uhh, ees really bad idea. I play lots of games, high pressure games, you know, you do what you do, put pressure on other team, no try to be like other tea-

WOODSON: Shut up you – you Argentinian guy. Coach Knight says to throw a chair. You want me to throw a chair?

PABLO: Sorree? I no want chair, I want to win game.

WOODSON: Sorry yourself. I’m the coach. Got to man up, Pablo.

PABLO: You’re an eeediot, coach.

WOODSON: Excuse me?

PABLO: You’re a fucking idiot.

WOODSON: You better come to play tonight. Be a pro. (walks off)

PABLO: I come to play for Spanish team next year, has coach with brain.


AMAR’E: What’s wrong, Pablo?

PABLO: Coach… he bench me, ahhh-- start Kenyon, screw up offense, screw up team.

AMAR’E: Huh? Whoa. Not phenomenal.

MELO: (removing headphones) What happened now?

KMART (from around corner) snicker. Nets 2000 baby!

KIDD:(giggling like schoolgirl) Who needs shooters? Old school baby.

KMART: (cough) Yeah! (high fives KIDD with booger hand).

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