The Suckitude of Andrea Bargnani: A Portrait in Numbers

So. You may have heard. The Knicks managed to trade one of the best spot up shooters in the NBA and a (creaky) veteran center/KNICK 4 EVER along with, somehow, several more draft picks from their seemingly inexhaustibly supply of draft picks they can and will throw in as trade sweetners for absolutely no reason... for the laughably incompetent and shockingly overpaid 7' tall human skidmark known as Andrea Bargnani.

EDITED to add a some corroboration from the Wall Street Journal and The Basketball Jones about what a swirling vortex of suck this turd nugget really is.

Now, I too am upset about the draft picks. (Why do we keeping doing that?! Why do we have to make sure we give up more assets--even possibly meaningless, quasi-symbolic assets--than is absolutely necessary, every single time?) But that's not what I'm here to talk about. A few late picks aren't the reason that the residents of Toronto are practically petitioning the government to make June 30 a national holiday. Oh no. Fuck a pick or eight, Raps fans are giddy because they received two real life humans in exchange for an ambulatory dildo factory who rivaled Toronto's sweaty, racist, crack-smoking Mayor for local unpopularity. Aside from being even less fun to root for than Chris Bosh, what did noted puke stain Andrea Bargnani do to deserve such player hating? Well, he was once drafted number #1 over all, you see, but has proceeded to gargle donkey balls at basketball on a permanent and possibly terminal basis.

Sure, he probably sucks, you're thinking, but is he really that bad? Oh yes, my friends. It's bad. Real bad. In order for you to fully appreciate the sheer magnitude of this congenital fart-sniffer's bitchassness, allow me to quantify this shit for you. I'll compare him mostly to Amar'e Stoudemire, since many people on this site are content to give this greasy nob gobbler STAT's rotation spot--hell, even the Knicks were rumored to be pushing to trade the two.

Where to begin? Well, let's start with his scoring, since that the only thing that some people actually think he does moderately well. It's certainly true that he shoots a lot: 15.2 times per 36 minutes for his career, and once nearly 18 times every game for a year! That's a lot of shots! For comparison's sake, that's about as many shots as the certain six-time All-Star Amar'e Stoudemire whom I mentioned previously. His career usage % (the share of his team's possessions he ends by taking a shot, getting fouled, or turning it over, where 20% is middle of the road) is 24%, so he's featured pretty heavily in the offense (by comparison: STAT's career usage: 26.7; Melo: 31.7, Tyson Chandler: 13.9).

But does he shoot well? Does he score efficiently? Uh...

Career eFG% (around .500 is league average) / TS% (around .540 is league average)

Andrea Bojangles .489 / .535

Amar'e .536/ .597

Yikes! Likes to shoot but isn't even quite average at it. But what about just last season, maybe he's on the upswing?

Andre'a Bargnani .444 / .482 *

Amar'e .577 / .637

*bonus: Jared Jeffries, career: .440 / .472. Yes, imagine a defense-free version of Jared Jeffries jacking up 15 shots every night, then cry yourself to sleep.

So... yeah, last season not so much. In fact, last year this douchnozzle had the, uh, distinction of becoming the only 7'0" or taller player in the entire history of the NBA to shoot below .400 from the field while taking ten or more shots per game and grabbing fewer than five rebounds per contest. Gee. What a fuckin' champ. In case you're wondering what a season that shitty looks like, feast your eyes on a shot chart more frigid and unsightly than Toronto itself (via):



So... yeah. In short: this butt trumpet likes to shoot, yet sucks at it. What about his other, er, contributions? What about defense and rebounding? He couldn't be any worse that Amar'e, that notorious wastrel? Let's see here...

career (last season)

Rebounds per 36 minutes /

Amare 9.1 (7.7)

Barq's 5.7 (4.6)

Total rebound percentage:

Amare 14.3 (12.4)

Bargs 9.4 (7.6)

Defensive rating (lower is better):

Amare 105 (108)

Nani 111 (109)

Net Defensive on/off court change (the lower the better):

Amare 3 points worse/100 possessions (2 points worse/100 possessions)

Bargs 5.8 points worse/100 possessions (4 points worse/100 possessions)

Wow! What do you know. The Italian Rapscallion is a DRAMATICALLY shittier rebounder than Amar'e, both in terms of sheer per-minute rate of rebounding and the percentage of total rebounds each player grabs while on the floor. What's more, his defensive rating both for his career and even last season is worse, and while both teams make their team worse on defense when they're on the floor (vs. whoever replaces them), ol gumby ass up there has a negative impact that's roughly twice as bad, both last season and always. No mean feat, to out-suck Amar'e Stoudemire on the boards and as a defender, but our $12 million towel waver is nothing if not committed to finding his nadir.

So what has he been up to lately, this snot goblin for whom we had to shower the fair city of Toronto with draft picks and marginally useful players? Oh, only having his worst season ever. How bad? Well, consider the popular all-in-one metric Win Shares, and it's per-minute cousin WS/48, which assigns a numerical value to the per-minute contributions of a player. A league average player gets a score of .100, with .200 being all-stars (usually), .300 being superduperstars and .000 being "does this dude have a pulse?" Last season Bargs joined this 79 player roster of utter poop-staches in racking up less than .010 WS/48 (in other words, he contributed about a tenth as much as an average player at his position), but earned the extra distinction of being one of the "nasty nine" team-killing cretins who managed to rack up 1000+ minutes while performing so putridly. E'Twuan Moore! Austin Rivers! MICHAEL BEASLEY! YAY what a steal we got, you guys! This failure addict managed to dish out 38 whole assists in only 1000 minutes! Only $12 million dollars for the next two yeeeeeeeeears!

So there. Welcome to the Knicks, Andrea Bargnani. You're like a skinny doofus version of Eddy Curry, if Eddy Curry couldn't buy a basket to save his life. You are a pathetic, cartoonish caricature of a soft Euro big who can do nothing but chuck jump shots for fear of breaking a nail, and you haven't been an above-average 3 point shooter since 2010. Your one saving grace is that you are somehow more brittle an injury prone than even Amar'e, having somehow played in more than 20 fewer games than STAT over the past 3 years. Yes. Your BEST feature is that you might be too perpetually injured to play many minutes.

I wish I had some pithy and surprisingly-uplifting way to end this diatribe, but I don't. Andrea Bargnani just blows. Why, why did you saddle this team with him, Glenn Grunwald? I thought you knew things about basketball? The one silver lining to this whole debacle is that anything short of crop-dusting all of his teammates before breaking into tears at the end of the bench on a nightly basis will be considered "exceeding expectations," so... thanks. Thanks so much, Glenn. Suck my left one, and feast your eyes on the infinite fail:Ivrdbeae6hmf4_medium


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