Knicktion: Amar'e and Metta help the Jews through the Babylonian exile

Lintao Zhang

Exiled by Nebuchadnezzar? Suspended by David Stern? Same dif...

Since the time of Abraham, Yahweh has kept his covenant with his children, Israel, during their times of greatest need by sending unto them Knicks forward (and nice Jewish boy) Amar'e Stoudemire. These are his stories...

The year is 3338. The Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar has sacked the city of Jerusalem, destroyed the Holy Temple of Solomon, blinded the puppet king Zedekiah and forced the Jews to relocate to Babylonia. Desperate, the exiled Jews look for guidance.

Daniel: "Do not despair, my brothers and sisters! Our God has not abandoned us! Lo, the Babylonian king shut me into a lions' den for three days, but I emerged unharmed!"

Suddenly, a voice calls out: "Lions? That's nothing...try guarding Roy Hibbert on the low block without any cartilage in your knee."

The Jews cry in union: "Amar'e Stoudemire! He has returned!"

Amar'e: "No doubt. Let me be straight with you, fellow Jews: there's nothing phenomenal about being exiled. You're just gonna have to suck it up and rehab like I did after my microfracture surgery. I know it'll be tough, so I brought a friend who has all kinds of experience in dealing with exile and year-long suspensions...

Daniel: "We are saved; it's Metta World Peace!"

Metta: "OK, before we start: who here is following me on Twitter? Anybody? C'mon!"

Metta rushes over to an 80-year-old woman milking a goat.

Metta: "WHAT ABOUT YOU, GOAT LADY? ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER?"

Amar'e: "Calm down, Metta. It's like the sixth century BCE - I don't think these cats have Twitter yet."

Metta: "Alright, well I just wanna tell y'all that I'm quitting Twitter. I just don't have the time anymore."

Daniel: "But why would you ask us to follow you on Twitter if you're going to quit Twitter?"

Metta: "You ask a lot of questions, son...I like you! Just for that, I'm getting back on Twitter! Now what's the trouble here?"

Daniel: "This is the most terrible crisis we children of Abraham have ever faced! The cruel king Nebuchadnezzar destroyed Jerusalem, the Temple, and exiled us to this strange land. Should we continue the struggle in the face of such overwhelming odds, or should we simply lie down for the enemy and beg for their protection?"

Metta: "I'll tell you one thing: you better not lie down on the scorer's table...next thing you know, somebody hits you with a beer and you find yourself in the stands, punching random dudes."

Daniel: "What should we do then?"

Metta: "I found myself in a very similar situation once. You know, I'm from Queensbridge. Q-B, what! WHAT! And I was expecting my hometown team to draft me back in '99. But they drafted Frederic Weis instead."

Daniel: "Frederic Weis? You mean the guy who needed to get Vince Carter's nuts surgically removed from his forehead after he got dunked on in the Olympics?"

Zedekiah: "You know, the Babylonians destroyed the sacred Temple right in front of me, and then cut out both of my eyes...but that Frederic Weis story is still the most depressing thing I've ever heard."

Metta: "No doubt. And I was really angry about that for a long time. But then my therapist turned me on to guided meditation. I just focus on my breathing, clear my mind of all thought, and drift out of time and space. You gotta be careful, though...sometimes you drift out of time and space only to wake up in David Stern's office, and he's asking you why you elbowed James Harden in the face."

Daniel: "So are you saying we should meditate, or elbow James Harden in the face?"

Metta: "Either one works for me. Another thing that really helps me cope is music. I got a song for you guys. This is an oldie...well, it's an oldie where I come from. Everybody clap along!

By the rivers of Babylon, where we sat down.

And there we wept, when we remembered Zion.

OVER THE WIC-KED!"

Meanwhile, the cousin of the unknown author of Psalm 137 listens from the crowd: "Hey Unknown, it's your cousin Marvin...Marvin Psalmwriter. You know that new Psalm you're looking for? Well come over here and listen to this!"

And that is the true story of how Metta World Peace inspired Psalm 137. Stay tuned for Amar'e and friends' next Old Testament adventure, and stay phenomenal.

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