Knicktion - Yes, I Went There

So, you know, just because Joe Flynn can just put things on the front page, doesn't mean that he's a better Knicktioner than me!

I actually wrote this a few days ago, but didn't publish it because I thought maybe it was too out there. But now, I must defend my Knicktion honor! Here goes:


James Dolan is hanging out in his office, doing things that James Dolan do. Suddenly the phone rings.

DOLAN: What the…..?

DOLAN frantically presses an intercom buzzer.

DOLAN: Glenn? GLENN!!!!

GLENN (over intercom): What is it Jim, what’s up?

DOLAN: It’s ringing.. that black thing with the wires attached to it.

GLENN: It’s a phone, Mr. Dolan.

DOLAN: No… my phone’s in my pocket. This is something different.

GLENN: It’s an old-school phone.

DOLAN:Ohhhhh… Oh, that’s right. I’m old-school!

GLENN: You certainly are, sir. Well, are you going to answer it?

DOLAN: I think so. Dolan out.

Dolan looks at the phone for another second through squinting eyes. Then, in a surprisingly quick movement, grabs the phone.

DOLAN: Hello?

KIM JONG UN: Mr. Dolan? Mr. James Dolan?

DOLAN: Who wants to know?

KIM JONG UN: It’s me. Kim Jong Un?

DOLAN: Kim Jong…. Whatthefuck? OH! OH! Dude! Kim! What’s up, man! Long time no talk!

KIM JONG UN: I remember when we were younger, we spoke, and you understood what it is to be the awesomely brilliant offspring of someone who accomplished something.

DOLAN: Yeah. We’re awesome. At least I still am. Are you still awesome?



KIM JONG UN: I-I-I’ve done something. Something bad.

DOLAN: Nah…. That’s impossible. We talked about this.

KIM JONG UN: No really. I had a girlfriend…

DOLAN: Ok, sounds awesome so far.

KIM JONG UN: My wife was jealous…

DOLAN: OK, par for the course, still awesome….

KIM JONG UN: The girlfriend was chatty…. And still very much hot. But it became very difficult to manage.

DOLAN: Oooh, OK, well, that can be rough, might cost you a little, maybe a divorce. But still, doesn’t interfere with the awesome, overall.

KIM JONG UN: Well… Our society is a little different. Anyway… so, I had the girlfriend killed and also her whole band.

DOLAN: Whoa… so… uh, Wow. Dude, are you looking at jail time here?

KIM JONG UN: I’m the supreme ruler of the country. I’m universally beloved. You know how it is.

DOLAN: I sure do, my friend. Though I never killed anybody. Not successfully anyway. But I have one question for you, and this is very serious. This band, your girlfriend’s band, what kind of music did they play?

KIM JONG UN: Oh, you know, our Korean brand of awesome patriotic pop. Maybe a little less than awesome. Yes, definitely their work had fallen below par.

DOLAN: So…. No blues at all then?


DOLAN: You know… American style Blues (starts singing "Fix the Knicks")


DOLAN: So they played music like that?

KIM JONG UN: No… I wish they did, it would make me feel better about executing them.

DOLAN: I see.

KIM JONG UN: But when you do it, it’s awesome though. But this sound… it’s not allowed in our customs. But you’re awesome, of course.

DOLAN: Of course. As are you.

KIM JONG UN: Am I? I feel as if I did something wrong. I am haunted by guilt – I imagine my girlfriend and her bandmates drifting through the halls of my royal palace, seeking vengeance from beyond the grave. I seek the comfort of cocaine and hot women… and alcohol.

DOLAN: Hey. Look. It’s OK. I’ve been there. Except for the execution part. But the other part, I’ve been there. Listen, I can’t really get away right now (glances at game boy) but I have a friend I can send over there. He’s in recovery, he’s a good guy, kind of strange, but like us, in a good way.

KIM JONG UN: Please tell me you’re not talking about Isiah Thomas.

DOLAN: No, no no. Uh, no. Isiah’s busy. It’s a guy named Dennis Rodman.

KIM JONG UN: I’ve heard of him. He wears a wedding dress.

DOLAN: Well, that was in the past.

KIM JONG UN: It’s OK, I wear them all the time. Send him over, this Rodman guy. He will make me feel better about myself?

DOLAN: That tends to happen when you’re around him.

--Months Later—

JAMES DOLAN is sitting in his office, playing his Game Boy. Suddenly he cries out in frustration and hurls his Game Boy onto the marble floor, and it smashes into several pieces. Then, the phone rings.

DOLAN: Oh, that must be the Game Boy repair guy. (picks up phone) Hello?

KIM JONG UN: Heeeeyyyy, James, it’s me Kim Jong Un.

DOLAN: You’re fixing Game Boys now?

KIM JONG UN: Huh? Anyway, James, thanks for sending Dennis over. He’s awesome! I never knew a guy without a rich dad that accomplished something could be awesome.

DOLAN: Oh, great. Did you tug on his nose ring? He loves that.

KIM JONG UN: Not so much when I did it but I had some of my special ladies do it. Hey listen, is it possible you can send over some more of these really tall dark skinned guys? They’re lots of fun.

DOLAN: Well, uh,

KIM JONG UN: How about that one you call "Melo". He seems awesome. Can I have him for a while? Or the Tyson. The Tyson is even taller than the Rodman!

DOLAN: Uh, those guys are under contract. Hold on a second. (puts Kim on hold and dials) Glenn?

GLENN: Yeah what’s up Jimmy?

DOLAN: Theoretically, would it be possible to trade Melo to, like, a foreign dictator, say, for like, a billion dollars and have his salary come off the cap, and then sign, say, Lebron?


DOLAN: Are you just lying to me because you think it’s not a good idea?

GLENN: Do I look like I want to be working for the Pacers?

DOLAN: Haha, good one Glenn. Anyway, just thought I’d ask. (clicks phone)

KIM JONG UN: (speaking away from phone) I don’t care if you say the missile can’t reach New York. Just fire it, maybe it’ll make it, OK?

DOLAN: Hello?

KIM JONG UN: Oh, James, you’re back. (away from phone) Cancel the missile, he’s back! So James, what do you think, can I have Melo?

DOLAN: My guy says it can’t be done. Against the rules. Wish I could make the rules, like you!

KIM JONG UN: If you did, you’d probably have your ex-girlfriend killed, and then you’d be trying to collect tall black guys yourself to compensate!

DOLAN: Hey, I already collect tall black guys! Ha ha ha. But also tall white guys. Have you tried the tall white guys?

KIM JONG UN: No! Are they fun?

DOLAN: Totally. Look up a guy named Jason Kidd. He likes to say "No, let go of me, I don’t want to go", but he really does, trust me.

KIM JONG UN: Awesome. Thanks again. You’re awesome, James.

DOLAN: No you are. Talk to you soon. (hangs up) Prick. Didn’t even fix my Game Boy.

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