GLEN: I’m telling you, the guy can play basketball. There’s no one we can sign with that money. We can use it for him, but not for anyone else. So it’s either J.R. Smith or some D-league guy.
DOLAN: Hm. Does that stand for ‘Destroyer League’?
DOLAN: ‘Death-defying League’?
GLEN: No, it stands f-
DOLAN: Doofus league?
GLEN: ‘Developmental League’.
DOLAN: How boring can you get.
GLEN: Well, exactly. J.R., he’s not boring.
DOLAN: It’s just, you know, the elbow, Rhianna, the drinking, the twattering…
DOLAN: That too.
GLEN: Well, you know, if you want to win a championship, sometimes you’ve got to be able to deal with these kinds of guys. Sometimes talented guys are kind of eccentric. You take the bad with the good, you win the chip, that makes everything good. Besides, Woody has a special relationship with him, Woody can bring out the best.
GLEN: It’s like, you know, those old blues guys. Sometimes the best guys were hard drinkers, womanizers… but they made the best music.
DOLAN: Glen, if you ever talk about Kenny G that way again, you can go work for the Nets.
GLEN: I – uh – sorry sir. But I really think that it makes sense to sign J.R..
DOLAN (after a long pause): Okay, Glen. OK. Fine. (begins playing game boy).
GLEN: Thanks. Oh, uh, one other thing, his brother…
DOLAN: His brother?
GLEN: Well, J.R.’s got other offers, more lucrative ones. We can only offer him so much, but uh, let’s just say if we happened to give his brother a shot…..
DOLAN: Didn’t we do that last year?
GLEN: Yes… but he hurt his knee and was unable to play himself off the roster.
DOLAN: And then we let him hang around the team….
GLEN: Well, it didn’t hurt anyth-
DOLAN: You think I didn’t notice that we spent way more money on the buffet table last year?
GLEN: I- uh,
DOLAN: I don’t know basketball talent. But I know a guy that’s mooching. He ate 3.4 sandwiches a day, average. And he really piled on the turkey.
GLEN: We’ll just bring him to summer league. He’ll play like shit and then we’ll..
DOLAN: Glen. If this EVER comes out that this is an arrangement, It’s not an arrangement. It’s on you. Capiche?
GLEN: No problem sir.
DOLAN: Good, now get out of here, I have some game boy to play.
******** 2 weeks later *************************
DOLAN (hitting intercom): GLEN!!! GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!
GLEN: I’m sitting right in front of you, James.
DOLAN: How did you sneak in here?
GLEN: I’ve been here for 45 minutes.
DOLAN: Stop bullshitting me.
GLEN: We’ve been discussing Cole Adrich, and all the cool puns we can make with his name, also interspersed with discussions on why Michael McDonald is the world’s best blues man.
DOLAN: AND he sells over 3 billion burgers a year.
GLEN: Yes. Anyway, why were you trying to intercom me.
DOLAN: Oh yeah. Because fucking J.R. Smith just got fucking knee surgery. He’s got a bum knee. And I just gave that bastard millions of dollars. He probably hurt it twattering.
GLEN: Yes, I know, I just told you he had the surgery. We knew about it. It’s a routine thing, just needed to be cleared out. Very common nowadays with the scoping techniques.
DOLAN: Common like Amar’e’s surgeries?
GLEN: More common than that. He’ll be back by opening night.
DOLAN: He better be.
GLEN: He will.
*********Two months later *********
DOLAN: GLEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! GET THE FUCK IN HERE!!!!!!
GLEN: Sir, we’re riding in your private elevator.
DOLAN: You’re damn right we are. This fucking J.R. Smith, he’s a goddamn pothead! I gave this guy a million dollars so he could buy pot?
GLEN: Well, you know, it’s legal in over 2 states.
DOLAN: No shit?
DOLAN: Why doesn’t anybody tell me these things?
GLEN: Besides, you know, all the best bluesmen do it. It gives them soul.
DOLAN: OK, Glen, I was not born yesterday. Pat Boone does NOT smoke weed.
GLEN: Uh, good point, sir.
DOLAN: One of those states is New York, right?
GLEN: Excuse me?
DOLAN: The states, where it’s legal.
GLEN: Uh, yes.
DOLAN: OK. But one more thing, and heads will roll. (gets off elevator)
GLEN: Yes. The blues are, in fact legal in NY. (sighs in relief).
*******One Month Later*******
A shadowy, smoke shrouded figure dribbles incessantly down a darkened hallway in the depths of Madison Square Garden and then launches a shot toward a basket 20.5 feet away. He sees GLEN GRUNWALD walking toward him.
J.R.: Glen, my man, how’s it hangin?
GLEN: Fine. Do you have the stuff?
J.R.(squinting): You tryin’ to get the pipe?
GLEN: Do we have to go through this every time? No, I’m not trying to get the pipe. I just want my supply.
J.R. It’s right here. (he takes out a brick of the finest, greenest, stickiest bud imaginable. GLEN reaches for it, but J.R, using his excellent ballhandling skills, sweeps it up and away from GLEN’s swipe attempt).
J.R. I need one more thing from you before you get this.
GLEN: I gave you everything you asked for.
J.R.: My brother…. He’s an NBA player… as much as some of these losers out here.
GLEN: We agreed, we’d bring him to summer league, and if he had one of the top two guard stat lines, we’d bring him in. That didn’t happen, by any metric. Even the wages of wins guys think he sucks.
GLEN: Look, you’re brother’s a nice kid, but I gotta answer to the fans. And to Mr. Dolan.
J.R.: I ride bikes with the fans. They cool. Mr. Dolan, I think he’s tryin’ to get the pipe.
GLEN: I wish it was that simple.
J.R.: It is simple. Basically you give Chris a training camp deal. I’ll take care of the rest. I’m going to teach him to shoot and pass.
GLEN: That’s what you said the last three times.
J.R.: Well, I got distracted. But this time, for real.
GLEN: I can’t do it. I’m on thin ice already with Dolan.
J.R. OK, well… (puts the brick back in his bag).
GLEN: NO! Wait. Dammit, OK. I’ll do it. I’ll get him into camp. But I’m not telling Woody not to cut him.
J.R. Fine. That’s all I want. Here’s your brick.
GLEN: Oh, sweet, sweet marijuana!
********* The Next Day ***************************
DOLAN: You did WHAT????
GLEN: Actually, when we looked at the super advanced mega-tron stat generating system, we found that Chris Smith, in fact, was the best player in the whole summer league. So I kind of had to sign him to at least a training camp deal.
DOLAN: But why did I catch you trying to steal all the newspapers from my office? It seems like you didn’t want me to know about it.
GLEN: No, uh, no, I’m uh, just really into recycling. We’ve got to go green, Mr. Dolan, global warming is real!
DOLAN: Then why did I catch you burning the newspapers and creating 1.2 cubic meters of carbon?
GLEN: Because, I , uh… I, uh…. OH MR. DOLAN, It’s all true, I can’t lie anymore (sobs)
DOLAN: OK, son, now let it all out. What’s true?
GLEN: I signed Chris Smith because J.R. told me to, I pushed for us to sign him too, and I downplayed the knee injury, I did it all…
GLEN: Because he has the stickiest, greenest, fragrantist, kindest weed imaginable! IT’S SO GOOD! I knew you wouldn’t understand.
DOLAN: Oh, Glen. Glen, Glen, Glen, Glen, Glen, Glen.
GLEN: I’m sorry sir.
DOLAN: Well, Glen, I’m firing you. But it’s not because you lied to me. It’s because you’re not very smart. (takes out a brick of EVEN STICKER, EVEN MORE PUNGENT WEED). You thought HE could get you the best shit?
GLEN: You---you’re a pothead?
DOLAN: Of course! What, did you think I was just stupid?
GLEN: It – it all makes sense now.
DOLAN: ‘Melomelomelo… it sounds so cool… yes, throw in Felton, and Mozgov… they don’t sound so cool…. Get Melomelomelomelo..’ Sound familiar.
GLEN: I’ve been a fool.
DOLAN: Yes you have, Glen. I should have known, but I thought you were smarter.
GLEN: I’ll pack my things.
DOLAN: I hear that the Nets are hiring! Hahahaha! Now excuse me, I need to get stupid again, so I can re-hire Steve Mills.