Knicktion: A Whole Lotta Hadaddi

Glenn: Hi Hamed. Thank you for coming in.

Hamed: You’re welcome!

Glenn: OK, we’re going in to see Mr. Dolan now.

Hamed: Great!

Glenn Grunwald holds the door open for the 7 foot Hadaddi as he ducks through the doorway. James Dolan looks up from his work (actually a game of tetris on his game boy) and stands up, sending the Gameboy spilling onto the floor.

Dolan: Aw hell. Hey, Haded, come in, have a seat.

Hamed: Thanks, Mr. Dolan. By the way, it’s "Hamed".

Dolan: What?

Glenn: His name is pronounced "Hamed", not "Haded"

Dolan: Oh, we’re not getting off on the right foot here, are we? Well, I’ll give you a chance to make it up to me. So, what makes you think you’d like to be a Knick?

Hamed: Oh, you know, everything, the city, New York, man, it’s awesome.

Dolan: Yes, it’s a great city, isn’t it? Where else on Earth can the son of a multi-millionaire end up running a basketball team and playing the blues?

Hamed smiles and nods his head.

Glenn: So, Hamed, let me tell you, I think you could really help the Knicks out. I’ve talked to Woody, we’ll be meeting him soon, and he envision-

Hamed: Woody ALLEN? I love his films. Do you think I might get a part… or maybe just meet Diane Keaton… man, for an older lady, she’s hot, amirite? Eh, Mr. Dolan?

Dolan (to Glenn): Guy’s got a point.

Glenn: coach Woody.

Hamed: He’s the coach?!?

Glenn: Mike Woodson, coach Woodson. We call him Woody.

Hamed: Well damn, that’s confusing. Yeah, well, I love coaches, in general.

Glenn: Are you familiar with Coach Woodson’s philosophy?

Hamed: Oh, yeah, I mean, throw the ball in the basket, run back and forth down the floor. I love it.

Glenn: O..K… well, Coach Woodson envisions a significant role for you this season if you join the team. He’d like you to ….

Hamed: Whoa, whoa. Define ‘role’

Glenn: Well you know, if you play well, we feel you could be a significant rotational piece. Somewhere on the order of 10-15 minutes, backing up Chandler.

Hamed: Well, which is it, 10 or 15?

Glenn: Well, it all depends on how well you play. Honestly, if we keep Chandler out of foul trouble and he’s not injured, it’s probably closer to 10.

Hamed:(exhales) Phew. Ok.

Glenn: Also, you’d play a very important role in practice, providing another-

Hamed: Practice?

Glenn: Yes, Coach Woodson likes to run the kind of practices where…

Hamed: How long and how often are these practices.

Glenn: Oh you know, Mike is about average, 2-3 hour practices

Hamed: And would we be running the whole time? Or would there be film sessions where we sit and watch TV?

Glenn: There’s a lot of film, yes.

Hamed: Are the chairs comfortable?

Glenn: We’ve got an all new locker room, so yes, everything’s state of the art and designed for a tall guy like yourself.

Hamed: What color is the locker room painted?

Glenn: Uh…. It’s mostly team colors, like blue and orange.

Hamed: Can we possibly change that to red and yellow? Because I like to eat at McDonalds a lot, and I feel comfortable with those colors around me. It reminds me of Big Mac’s, those are the best, amirite? (gets up and high-five’s Dolan).

Glenn: Well… honestly, probably not, but you’d be able to decorate your own locker.

Hamed: You have, I mean, would I be assigned a locker decorator? Because I’m no good at decorating. I always choose the wrong colors.

Glenn: Um, well, anyway, we’re just looking for a guy that likes to rebound, block a few shots, hustle

Hamed: What was that last thing?

Glenn: Uh, hustle?

Hamed: Yeah, my last coach was always talking about that. I could never figure out what that meant.

Glenn: You know, it means, to try your hardest.

Hamed: Ah, well, I was thinking about Yoda, in the Empire Strikes Back, which is apropos, because this is the Empire State, amirite? Well anyway, Yoda, he said, "Try Not – Do". That’s my philosophy.

Glenn: That’s a good philosophy. It’s good to do stuff, to get things done.

Hamed: What? Oh. No, I’m pretty sure Yoda was talking about Mountain Dew. It’s my favorite, favorite soda of all time…

Suddenly, Dolan reaches under his desk and presses a button. A trap door opens up and Hadaddi disappears under the floor.

Hamed:…. It’s just so refreeeeeeeeeeeshhhhhhhhhinggg……..

Glenn: Surprised you waited that long.

Dolan: Well, the Diane Keaton thing was promising. But I can’t stand Mountain Dew. Stuff tastes like turpentine. And believe me, I know. Thank you Isiah Thomas!

Glenn: Did you fix the trapdoor exit?

Dolan: Fix….?

Glenn: You know, so that it drops them on the railroad platform instead of over the train itself?

Dolan: Well, if they drop on the platform, they could conceivably come back up here.

Glenn: But we discussed this. They won’t get onto the train itself, because the train has a roof.

Dolan: The train.. has a roof? Why?

Glenn: To protect the passengers from the elements.

Dolan: But the train goes through a tunnel. It’s inside.

Glenn: But what about when the train gets across the river and comes out of the tunnel?

Dolan: Well, they can build the roof then.

Glenn (sighs): All right. Well. Who’s next on the list. How about Toure Murry?

Dolan: (eyes widen) Oh… SHIT!

Dolan presses another button and a bookshelf slides open to reveal a small room where a disheveled and unshaven Toure Murry squints into the light.

Dolan: Sorry man, I meant to only leave you in there for a couple of hours. How long has it been.

Murry: T-twenty seven days…..

Dolan: Oooooh. Well?

Murry: Fine. I’ll come to training camp on a non-guaranteed deal. Just let me go home.

Dolan: Glen, make the arrangements. Murry, are you thirsty? You want a drink?

Murry: Yes, can I have a Mou-

Glenn frantically waves his hands and shakes his head in Murry’s direction

Murry: Uh, a Pepsi. I’ll have a Pepsi.

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