Knicktion: Coup Part 3

FUHRY Sits behind his desk on his new throne made of blue and orange tinted platinum. Glen Grunwald stands in front of the desk, twiddling with a pencil.

Fuhry: I know that Adam Silver, that backstabber, nixed our Melo trade. And I don't regret sending 10,000 pizzas to his house, and subscribing him to over 150 magazines. But I have to say, I like how Melo's responded.

Glen: I agree, sir.

Fuhry: I think you ought to tell him he's traded every week.

Glen: I think that's an excellent idea.

Fuhry: Still.... I don't know about Woodson. I wanted to give him a chance, but..... is he done with his press conference?

Glen: Almost. I told him to come right over here.

Fuhry: Send a car. You know when he tries to walk, he tries to cross the street on the red light. And then it takes him 3 months to try crossing on the green.

Glen: Already ordered the car, sir. They tell me he's on his way up.

Fuhry: Excellent.

(Coach Woodson opens the door to the office and walks in)

Woody: Mr. Dolan?

Fuhry: Dolan's gone, Woody, it's me, Fuhry, I'm in charge now.

Woody: Oh, yes, right, well, calling you Mr. Fuhry is definitely something we'll have to take a look at going forward.

Fuhry: So Woody, let's say you've got two players - one is 6'7" and averages 10 boards per 36 minutes, and one is 7'0" and averages 5 boards per 36 minutes. Who would you say is the better rebounder?

Woody: The 7 foot guy of course.

Fuhry: What if the 6'7" guy averages 20 boards per 36 minutes?

Woody: Still, I'd have to say the 7 foot guy gives me a better chance on the boards.

Fuhry: What if the 7 foot guy never got a single rebound in his entire career?

Woody: Well, still, the other guy's only 6'7", so I'd have to go with the 7 foot guy.

Fuhry: What if the 7 foot guy has no arms?

Woody: No arms?

Fuhry: No arms at all. Would the 6'7" guy be a better rebounder then?

Woody: Well, even if you add the arm length of the 6'7" guy, it probably wouldn't add up to the length of the 7 foot guy. 7 feet is big, man.

Glen: Jesus, Mike, the 7 foot guy HAS NO ARMS! HE HAS NO FUCKING WING FUCKING SPAN AT ALL!!!!

Woody: You seem kind of stressed, Glen. What are you guys saying, did Tyson's bronchitis spread to his arms or something?

Fuhry: No, no. Don't worry about that. Let me ask you this... What if you went to put your backup point guard in the game, and by accident you didn't take out your starting point guard, and you didn't notice.

Woodson: Wouldn't I then have 6 guys on the court?

Fuhry: Well, let's say your shooting guard came out.

Woodson: OK, I follow you.

Fuhry: So let's say you won some games, like, say 54 games or something, then all of a sudden you notice that you accidentally have 2 point guards playing. What do you do?

Woodson: Well, I'd immediately call timeout, of course.

Fuhry: Yes....

Woodson: And then take one of the point guards in and put my shooting guard back in.

Fuhry: OK, now let's say you did that, and then you lost, like 25 games. What would you do then? Would you take the shooting guard out and go back to playing 2 point guards?

Woodson: Well, that was a mistake. You can't do a mistake on purpose. That would be crazy.

Fuhry: Oh, Woody. Woodywoodywoodywoodywoody. I'm afraid I've got to let you go.

Woodson: Let me go what?

Fuhry: I'm afraid I've got to fire you.

Woodson: Don't worry sir. I'm already fired up. And don't be afraid. You're actually pretty good at it Mr. Dolan.

Fuhry: I'm Fuhry, not Dolan.

Woodson: Well, again, that's something we've got to look at going forward. The east is big, man.

Fuhry: Coach Woodson, I want you to clean out your office and go back to Indiana.

Woodson: Now, Mr. Dholey, I cleaned up my office just this morning, spic and span. Clean as my shiny bald head. And we're going back to Indiana, and this time, we'll go big. Right Glen?

Glen: His office is immaculate, sir.

Fuhry: Glen! Don't encourage him!

Woodson: Oh, I'm already encouraged. I think we've got the home court locked up.

Fuhry: Yes. Speaking of locked up, I need your keys.

Woodson: They keys to the season are, um, defense, playing big, and J.R. isolating.

Fuhry: I meant, I need the keys in your pocket.

Woodson: Oh, I see. Yes, I do have J.R. in my pocket. Defense isn't in my pocket, it's around here somewhere, I don't know where it went.

Fuhry: You should probably try to find that.

Woodson: But I don't know what it looks like.

Fuhry: Listen, I don't know how much plainer I can put this. I'm terminating your employment as coach of the Knicks, effective immediately.

Woodson: Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence.

Fuhry: Glen, this is going to be harder than I thought. He's really gone off the deep end.

Woodson: We've got to play hard on both ends of the floor, the deep end AND the shallow end. I'm glad we're on the same page on this. Wait... I think there's a third end. Oh yeah, the end of the game. That always kind of sneaks up on you.

Fuhry: OK, Woody, Just... speaking of sneaks, when Pablo comes back, try to remember to play him.

Woodson: Who?

Fuhry: Pablo Prigioni? The point guard?

Woodson: Not ringing a bell.

Fuhry: From Argentina?

Woodson:Ohhhhh, right. but didn't he go coach the Nets?

Fuhry: Yeah. Sorry. I forgot.

(Woodson leaves)

Fuhry: Glen, cancel the car. Make him walk back to the Garden. It'll buy us some time.... to think of a plan.


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