FanPost

Knicktion: Tales of The Sheriff - Episode I



High noon in Knick town. A bunch of ruffians lounge about the town square. Mothers heading for a relaxing afternoon shield their childrens' eyes and scurry the other way. A lone figure in white and boots with really cool things which look like spurs but which are actually called 'Knickhorse prodders' ambles up to the group.

SHERIFF WEAR: Well hello there fellas. How are you on this fine afternoon?

RUFFIAN LEADER: Who the hell are you?

SHERIFF: Excuse me for not introducin' myself. The name's Travis. Travis Wear. I'm the sheriff of this here fine town.

RUFFIAN YOUNG UPSTART: This place is a dump! What you call this dump?

SHERIFF: Well, we call it Knicktown, and we like it jes' fine. Now one thing though, we don't much approve of the kind of ruffian-type loungin' y'all are doing here around the town square.

RUFFIAN SIDEKICK: We do what we want, Sheriff! We're the Cavaliers. My name is Love. My friends here bust people up, and I pick up the pieces.

SHERIFF: Well, Mr. Love... is that really your name, Mr. Love?

RUFFIAN SIDEKICK: Yeah, what of it.

SHERIFF: Why nothing at all - it's a perfectly good name, quite apt, I'd say, in fact. Now, here's an idea, why don't we all go down to the local watering hole and have ourselves a fresh squeezed organic juice. There's lot's of fun, wholesome activities down there.

RUFFIAN YOUNG UPSTART: (going over to get a bottle, breaking it, and committing a traveling violation in the process) No way, dumbass. We're the best. I'll cut you!

RUFFIAN LEADER: Easy there, young fella. Mr. Sheriff. Allow me to explain.

(RUFFIAN LEADER grabs a handful of talcum powder from his worn cowhide fanny pack with an embossed flame logo, and claps his hands together, creating a puff of powder that floats up into the sky while Sheriff Wear leans back).

RUFFIAN LEADER: Woo! I still got it! (high fives RUFFIAN SIDEKICK and RUFFIAN YOUNG UPSTART).

RUFFIAN SIDEKICK: Uh, LeBron.. uh, this is kind of awkward.. This guy's still here.

RUFFIAN LEADER: Who?

RUFFIAN SIDEKICK: The sheriff.

RUFFIAN LEADER: (looking at Sheriff Wear) Oh. Well, bust him up.

RUFFIAN SIDEKICK: Do I have to? Sounds messy. Why don't you bust him up and I'll just pick up the rebound.

RUFFIAN LEADER: (sighing): Fine. C'mon guys, Kyrie, and all you other guys, whatever your names are, GET HIM!

(The Ruffian Cavaliers take out all manner of weapons and attack Sheriff Wear. Without breaking his friendly smile, Sheriff Wear relieves each ruffian of his weapon and slaps them across the face playfully, while tagging and stacking the confiscated weapons and categorizing them in neat little piles. Before too long, each Ruffian is writhing on the floor and whining to the refs.)

SHERIFF WEAR: Now, one more time, if y'all want to get a juice, come on. Otherwise, I regret to say, your brand of activity is not allowed in Knicktown, and I'll have to ask you to relocate yourself over the border. You might have better luck in Bulltown.

(Suddenly, RUFFIAN YOUNG UPSTART drives headlong toward Sheriff Wear. It looks like it's going to hit him, when at the last minute, he's hit on the head with a basketball and collapses. Across the square, CARMELO ANTHONY leans on a post and tips his hat)

SHERIFF WEAR: I got guys perched all over this town. In every little crack and crevice there's a guy. I'll go 12 deep, no problem.

RUFFIAN LEADER: FIne, fine, we're going. (Gives Sheriff Wear quick man-hug) Good game.

(The Ruffian Cavaliers leave).

SHERIFF WEAR: Deputy Larkin! Shane! Shaaaaaane!

DEPUTY LARKIN: I'm right here boss.

SHERIFF WEAR: Oh, so you are. Take this stuff to the evidence locker and prepare my report to Mayor Fish.

DEPUTY LARKIN: Yes sir! Well, they won't be back here again.

SHERIFF WEAR: Oh, they'll be back, And others like them. But it's OK, we'll just study the film, and practice our triangulatin'... shouldn't be too much of a problem. (winks).