FanPost

Portland and the Bizarro Knicks: Want to move here?

What's good P&Ters? ...yeah, well, you don't have to answer that right now.

I’m a born and bred New Yorker (Queens / Strong Island / Brooklyn, represent) who moved to Portland before last basketball season and promptly bought Blazers season tickets. Because that’s something you can actually afford here. So I feel I’m in a pretty good position to comment about both squads in the run-up to Sunday's game.

First, let me clear up the rumors about Portland. They’re all true. Yes, the city is based on the TV show Portlandia. Yes, it’s the closest thing to Europe we have here in America. Yes, most people work in the service industry and have time for their own creative side projects. Yes, there are a lot of food carts and facial hair and handcrafted everythings. Yes, the local music scene is awesome and incredibly well-informed. Yes, Hipsters here are 40% sneerierer. Yes, it is Beervana and Herb-tacular. You East Coasters don't know what you're missing. And the thing is you don't even know you don't know. How could you? (I was one of you once.)

So basically Portland is the Bizzaro World Brooklyn, or ‘Brooklyn through the looking glass’, whatever you want to call it - half the rent, twice the space. It’s an adult playground you can afford. People here take their time and they apparently have nowhere they have to be – in fact, these things are celebrated. It is the opposite of ethnically diverse. Passive aggressiveness is the lingua franca over directness and combativeness. Let’s stop here, because Portlanders don’t really indulge in comparisons to anyone else. This is a hoops blog, right?

Along the same lines, I posit that the Blazers are the Bizarro-World Knicks – I’m sure you’re aware of the two squads’ polar opposite fates of late. But it goes further - for each guy on NY’s roster, there is an equivalent counterpart with contrarian characterisics in Portland. I will briefly break down / hint at these relationships, so that you may find the Blazers charming and likable, much as I have. This may be helpful if you need a secondary or tertiary team to root for (something tells me you will), or are just looking for the Knicks to tank and want to find ways to enjoy at least two losses on the schedule.

Blazarro Melo: LaMarcus Aldridge. Mild-mannered, spotlight-shunning superstar who always works tirelessly on defense and on the boards. Looks for his shots within the team concept; always passes out of double teams without hesitation. Do not mistake these traits for weakness; nobody here does. But he could stand to go to the rim a little more. Likely to re-sign with the team in the offseason for the right reasons.

Blazarro JR: Nicolas Batum. Has all the tools in the shed, and knows how to stay out of said shed. He sublimates himself completely and effectively to the team concept. In doing so, Batum fills whatever need the team has in a given game, and in the process quietly flirts with a triple double nightly, while JR loudly finds new ways to give you things you never asked for. Nic plays consistent lockdown defense, and if he didn’t touch the ball so often, you almost might not know he was there. Doesn’t waste his time with minor shenanigans such as playing with opponents’ laces – he's generally laid back but when he wants to get at you he’ll let you know.

Blazarro Shump: Damian Lillard. One of the most confident and secure human beings on the planet. In his third year, he is the embodiment of self-actualized talent, quickly ascending a ramp of his own making – as opposed to Shump’s "Prison of his own making / playing the victim" last year, and continued erratic growing pains. Not fast or flashy, Dame is of the ‘quick enough’ variety, and has seemingly limitless range. Is improving on defense but is still below average. Dame’s rap game is also way better than Shump’s, and has built a bit of community around it with his Four Bar Friday project.

Blazarro STAT: Wesley Matthews. Known around here as ‘Iron Man’: This man is not afraid to put his junk on the hardwood, and never misses time despite his aggressive and physical play. Gritty defender inside or out; extremely effective in limited usage on offense. At 6’5, has an ever-growing array of post moves which balances out his long-range bombing.

Blazarro Dalembert: Robin Lopez. Both big men have Caribbean heritage and were acquisitions which no one really wanted at first – Dalembert seems to be earning that title, while RoLo has been a revelation. The quirky intellectual hardworker fits this team and city like a glove with unicorns on it. He has developed an effective if unpretty offensive game in addition to elite rim protecting (2nd lowest opponent FG % at the rim last year) and next-level offensive rebounding.

Blazarro Calderon: Dorell Wright. D-Wright has had two seasons to figure out the Blazers' ‘Flow’ offense, and simply can't do it – even the simplest P ‘n R actions. Could still be a useful player somewhere, but has been ice-cold shooting since January. Of course, Jose is the bright-spot conductor of the labyrinthine Triangle and shooting nicely from range.

Blazarro Jason Smith: Chris Kaman. As opposed to the Vanilla Smith and his insipid mid-range game, the colorful Kaman is celebrated here in Portland as much for his personality as for his multidimensional old-man post game – he can work you any which way from 18 feet and in. Playing damn good defense as well. May bite an official at some point.

Blazarro THJ: Steve Blake. Death-staring little guy who is always needling you with his fingers in your ribs on defense. Not concerned with appearances - probably doesn’t brush his teeth so he can annoy you every time he breathes on you – you know, a veteran ‘gamer’. His offense focuses on distribution, and he can still hit a well-timed three ball or two. If he's not on your team, you want to punch him in the face. The expressive Hardaway seems like he'd be a blast to hang out with, but you still might try to punch him after you’ve both had a couple beers.

Blazarro Quincy Acy: Thomas Robinson. A hyper-athletic and disruptive force who is not quite under control, T-Rob is a more valuable player than Acy by most measures, and he doesn’t even play for the Blazers right now. Meanwhile Acy sucks up way too many minutes (we’re big on puns and double entendres here in Stumptown) while looking like he should’ve been playing during Knicks vs. Heat games of the late ‘90s. That should be a big hint of something about these two squads.

Blazarro Travis Wear: Joel Freeland. This big is a ‘glue guy’ who makes a lot of hustle plays, and thinks about his own game second, even though he has shown hints that he’s got some stuff going on under the hood. Basically Travis Wear with a British accent.

Blazarro Shane Larkin: Allen Crabbe. Crabbe has come out of nowhere to earn a bunch of starts due to injuries to others. He’s a second year guy who hasn’t been asked to do much, other than playing under control and be seamless in the system. Therefore, he’s been set up in a position to succeed, and he’s done exactly that, therefore maximizing his playing time and continuing to earn more.

Blazarro Cole Aldrich: CJ McCollum. "3J" has done a nice job finding his place on the team this year as a rotation player off the bench. He is not playing right now due to injury. Cole is not playing much because of, oh, I don’t know – let’s say, melancholy.

Blazarro Cleananthony Early: Will Barton. Known as ‘The People’s Champ’, Will the Thrill is pulsating offensive potential, having shown flashes of being able to straight FILL IT UP, and is accordingly the kind of young guy who fans pine to see get some burn. A herky-jerky and hyper athletic slim jim without a true position (he plays 1 through 3, without really fitting any of them) which contrast to Early’s smooth machinations within a frame perfectly built for small forward.

Blazarro Prigs: Victor Claver. Brings absolutely no value to the floor, besides being in the right place - and somehow he manages to even make that look bad. Among the worst game shooters in the NBA – though seems to hit threes ok in warmups. The Blazers probably should have just bought him out already, since they are just too nice to crush dreams here. Or maybe he came to the US to not play basketball, so he could be the oldest rookie in a Spanish league upon his return there next year.

Blazarro Bargs: Meyers Leonard is a 7 footer with three point range that fans are always pissed off at, sometimes unfairly based on the fact he's not a prototype big. It's mostly a good-natured pissed off, because he's super young and has years of development ahead of him, and doesn’t cost much at this point.

*Yes, I know I wrote ‘Cleananthony’ earlier. Ever since I first misread his name when I saw him play in college, I have stubbornly maintained this idiosyncrasy. Is that so wrong? (Countless cloudy days leave Portlanders with lots of room for self-doubt, yay!)

Seriously though, the Knicks have two roster spots with guys who are better on an NBA team in 2014-15 than the Blazers, and one possible draw (Frankly Freeland has done more than Wear, I’ll give the Brit the win.)

The Blazers have been a joy to watch these past two seasons. The Knicks – well, this year seems a lot less painful since we knew what we were in for. (You knew too, right?...OK, really nobody knew it was going to be like this.)

Meanwhile, the chemistry here is amazing: there had been rumblings over the summer of this being a ‘make-or-break’ season with Aldridge, Lopez, and Matthews due to hit the market next summer, and almost the whole roster could have been without a contract next year – but now with the salary cap set to explode, and some extensions already extended – you can likely expect to see the starting 5 on this squad for years to come. Their offense is a given, and their defense has significantly improved. They seem to model themselves after the Spurs in many ways. They are a few years away from their peak yet, but still tantalizingly dangerous at present.

Don't worry, Portland is not without flaws, and therefore beatable, even by New York - if you're into wins right now for whatever reason. The Blazers might miss their many jumpers because of the long flight; they are routinely slow starters on both ends of the floor; they usually play down to their opponent; they still have some weak individual defenders to pick on, especially in pick and rolls (looking at you, Lillard). They also can't get decent bagels or cheesecake here - just like the rest of the world. It could be a real distraction if you put the real deals in front of them, nicely arranged on a catering tray. And Portlanders’ inability to merge into traffic is absolutely mind-bending, so maybe they show up late? You ever see the skit in Portlandia where two drivers are at a four way stop? "You go." "No, you go." "No, you go." Yeah. That. At every intersection and on-ramp in a city.

Everyone could learn a thing or two from watching the Blazers’ beautiful flow offense.