Knicktion: The Knicks' New Coach

One by one, the Knicks amble into the MSG locker room. One by one, they notice the door to Mike Woodson's office hanging on one hinge. Inside is a burned out, smoldering ruin of a room. They sit around, not knowing what to do. Finally, James Dolan walks in.

DOLAN: Hi guys.

TEAM: Hello, Mr. Dolan!

DOLAN: I thought I'd just take a little poll... How many of you guys would like to see Coach Woodson fired?

Seven Knicks raise their hands.

DOLAN: OK, and how many would like to see Coach Woodson continue on as coach of the Knickerbockers?

Eight Knicks raise their hands

DOLAN: OK, let's see, 8 minus 7 is.... ok, 8 is more than 7, so that would mean... Help me out Melo.

MELO: That would mean that a majority say he shouldn't be fired. 8 to 7. 8 is more than 7 right? See, I learned something at Syracuse.

Melo high-fives Bargnani

DOLAN: Wait. Shit. Well, I guess that's too bad, I already fired Woodson and burned his office. So, any ideas of who our new coach should be?

The Knicks' players look at each other nervously, no one wanting to speak

PABLO: Eh,,, Meester Dolan, Why don't you just, a-tell us who's coming, you know? Tell us the secrets. You're da boss!

DOLAN: Good point, Pablo. All right guys, I think you're going to love this... Meet... YOUR NEW COACH!

Arnold Schwarzenegger walks through the door with a big shit-eating grin on his face.

ARNOLD: Hi guys, Ha Ha Ha.

COLE: DUDE! Doe you know anything about basketball?

ARNOLD: Naught a fuckin' thing, HA HA HA HA

COLE: Ha ha, awesome!

FELTON: How is that awesome?

ARNOLD: Eets awesome because I'm going to PUMP YOU UP! YEAH! Let's dominate on da basketball field like I dominated my housekeepuh, HA HA HA

MELO: Uh, well, OK coach, what should we do?

ARNOLD: First, you get da basketball in your hand, like dis, and then you CRUSH IT LIKE THE INSIGNIFICANT PIECE OF LEATHUH DAT IT IS! So let's go and take cayuh of dis now.

The team begrudgingly shuffles out of the locker room onto the practice floor.

AMARE: So, should we run through a scrimmage coach,

ARNOLD: Yes, yes, a scrimmage, right. Let me see how dis stoopid girly-game is played now.

The Knicks split themselves up into two teams and begin playing basketball. Arnold watches with a smile on his face but the smile turns to a frown. Suddenly he takes out an air horn from his bag and blasts it. The players double over, holding their ears at the deafening blast.

ARNOLD: Ha ha ha, Dey gave me a whistle, but dis is loudah, I love it. Listen now, dis, bouncing of deh ball, it's giving me a splitting headache.

BENO: Maybe it's a tumor.

ARNOLD: It's not a tumor! Now listen, no more bouncing or I sweah to god I will crush every one of your heads until da brains ooze out all ovah de place now.

JR SMITH: So, uh, we're not supposed to dribble?

ARNOLD: Hey, you, you like to smoke a joint, me too. Do you like da tiddies as well? I love it.

JR SMITH: Yeah, man. Aiight. So I can dribble though right?

ARNOLD: You can dribble all you like just no bouncing da ball, get it? Now play now.

The Knicks resume scrimmaging, They have a hard time not dribbling, but eventually get the hang of it. Tim Hardaway Jr, throws an alley oop to Tyson Chandler, who slams it down while Stoudemire offers scant resistance. Arnold activates his air horn again.

ARNOLD: No, no, no, Stahdemire, dis is humiliating for you, ha ha ha. Watch now, da next time you see dis chandlah try to do dis, you say, NO, NO, NOT ON MY WATCH I WILL CRUSH YOU, I WILL KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY, DIE DIE, SCUM, AHHHAHHAHH

AMAR'E: I don't know Arnold, you know, It's just not my style.

ARNOLD: What are you talking about now? I see you on da other end, you slam da ball down, like he raped your grandma or someting. Do dis like dis now. DO IT STAADAMEYUH DO DIS NOW, NOW NOW NOW

AMAR'E: OK, Ok, man

Amar'e Stoudemire violently tackles Tyson Chandler.

TYSON: Ow! Get off me, Get him off me!

ARNOLD: Ok, boys, now break it up now. Ha ha ha.

SHUMPERT: That's a foul tho, coach.

ARNOLD: What de hell is dat? Den do it without da foul, deah's got to be some way to kill him without da foul.

AMAR'E: I'll work on it, coach.

MELO (to Metta World Peace); So, what do you think Ron?

MWP: Pure Genius, man, pure genius. We going all the way.

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