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Knicks Mock Pregame Warmups

Woodson: Alright everyone, we didn’t do so well last game, so everybody work on your weakest aspect.

Felton: Where do you want me coach?

Woodson: Work on your shooting.

Felton: That’s what you said last time and now I’m looking at three years at a state penetentiary.

Woodson: Alright then, just work on whatever.

Felton departs meanwhile Prigioni is fronting on defense and getting torched again

Woodson: Pablo! Again? Go work with Felton on whatever it is he’s doing!

Prigioni: No problem.

Prigioni departs

Woodson: That’s some nice shooting there J.R. Why don’t you try shooting off balance a little more. Maybe

with a man in your face.

Hardaway: I don’t think that’s a great way to shoot coach.

Woodson: Of course it is!

Smith: You think I should?

Woodson: Yeah. I want you falling away so hard you practically land on your back.

Smith: That’s what I was thinking, but the Internet disagreed.

Woodson: The Internet also says I’m a bad coach. You going to believe everything you read on the Internet?

Chandler: Oy…

Woodson: What’s that?

Chandler: Nothing.

Woodson: That’s what I thought Mr. no vertical. Where the hell is Stat?

Tyler: He’s with the team physicians.

Woodson: What? Why?

Chandler: Because he can barely walk?

Woodson: Oh… Okay. Hey where the hell did Pablo and Ray go?

Tyler: They’re on the bench!

Woodson: What?! Pablo! Ray! What are you doing?

Felton: Twitch plays Pokemon.

Woodson: What the hell is that?!

Felton: Uh… Team building excersise?

Woodson: Well get back on the…

Felton: LEFT!

Prigioni: RIGHT!

Aldrich: Huh. Sounds like our defense.

Woodson: That quip just cost you your spot in the rotation.

Aldrich: I’m not in the rotation. I’m not sure that works.

Woodson: Well then you’re not… not in the rotation.

Aldrich: So then I’m playing?

Woodson: What? No.

Aldrich: Then I still don’t think that works.

Woodson: Whatever. Get on the court.

Clark: Hey coach, is it always like this?

Woodson: We just have some kinks to work out. Why?

Brown: We’re just a little concerned seeing as we just signed here.

Woodson: Don’t worry about it; we’re still a playoff te-

Chandler: Ray! What the?! You just let him drive right by you!

Felton: I can’t help it! He’s just a better athlete.

Chandler: He’s an undrafted rookie scrub from Wichita State!

Felton: Well, uh…

Murry: You know I can hear you right?

Chandler: Shut up rookie scrub.

Murry: And Wichita State is actually undfea-

Chandler and Felton: Shut up rookie scrub!

Anthony comes out of the back of the United Center wearing a spare Bulls jersey

Anthony: Hey coach! Does this jersey make me look fat?

Woodson: What? No. I didn’t know we were getting new jerseys.

Anthony: Yeah, uh… they’re supposed to… um… make us a better team.

Woodson: We already have a playoff team! Where the hell is Shum-

An explosion occurs and Oscar Goldman appears with cybernetic versions of Shumpert, Bargnani, Stoudemire and Martin

Woodson: Who the hell are you?

Goldman: Oscar Goldman?

Woodson: Who?

Goldman: Six Million Dollar Man? Steve Austin’s boss?

Woodson: I thought that was Vince McMahon. Well whatever. What you done with our players?

Goldman: We’ve rebuilt them. We’ve made them stronger… faster than before.

Woodson: Finally someone with some dangnub initiative around here. Say, can you play the one?

Goldman: What?

Felton: What?

Prigioni: What?

Murry: What?

Woodson: Ah, never mind. Let’s see what they’ve got.

Woodson throws a basketball and Shumpert who fails to react as the ball bounces away

Goldman: Minor detail – We’ve taken away their own control of their motor functions.

Woodson: Good thinking, good thinking. We were starting to play way to loose as a team.

Chandler: … Really?

Woodson: Let’s see ‘em shoot dock.

Goldman: There are still some minor kinks to workout.

Woodson: What’s the worst that can happen? The season’s already over anyway.

Chandler: You literally just said we were a damn playoff team…

Woodson: Uh… Yeah! We are. We just need to working on switching off on out defense. Anyway, let’s see ’em shoot doc.

Goldman: Well alright, but I warned you.

Cybernetic Shumpert takes a shot that sails to the rafters knocking over a light fixture and crushing Anthony

Dolan: Jabari Wiggins here we come!

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