Woodson: Alright everyone, we didn’t do so well last game, so everybody work on your weakest aspect.
Felton: Where do you want me coach?
Woodson: Work on your shooting.
Felton: That’s what you said last time and now I’m looking at three years at a state penetentiary.
Woodson: Alright then, just work on whatever.
Felton departs meanwhile Prigioni is fronting on defense and getting torched again
Woodson: Pablo! Again? Go work with Felton on whatever it is he’s doing!
Prigioni: No problem.
Woodson: That’s some nice shooting there J.R. Why don’t you try shooting off balance a little more. Maybe
with a man in your face.
Hardaway: I don’t think that’s a great way to shoot coach.
Woodson: Of course it is!
Smith: You think I should?
Woodson: Yeah. I want you falling away so hard you practically land on your back.
Smith: That’s what I was thinking, but the Internet disagreed.
Woodson: The Internet also says I’m a bad coach. You going to believe everything you read on the Internet?
Woodson: What’s that?
Woodson: That’s what I thought Mr. no vertical. Where the hell is Stat?
Tyler: He’s with the team physicians.
Woodson: What? Why?
Chandler: Because he can barely walk?
Woodson: Oh… Okay. Hey where the hell did Pablo and Ray go?
Tyler: They’re on the bench!
Woodson: What?! Pablo! Ray! What are you doing?
Felton: Twitch plays Pokemon.
Woodson: What the hell is that?!
Felton: Uh… Team building excersise?
Woodson: Well get back on the…
Aldrich: Huh. Sounds like our defense.
Woodson: That quip just cost you your spot in the rotation.
Aldrich: I’m not in the rotation. I’m not sure that works.
Woodson: Well then you’re not… not in the rotation.
Aldrich: So then I’m playing?
Woodson: What? No.
Aldrich: Then I still don’t think that works.
Woodson: Whatever. Get on the court.
Clark: Hey coach, is it always like this?
Woodson: We just have some kinks to work out. Why?
Brown: We’re just a little concerned seeing as we just signed here.
Woodson: Don’t worry about it; we’re still a playoff te-
Chandler: Ray! What the?! You just let him drive right by you!
Felton: I can’t help it! He’s just a better athlete.
Chandler: He’s an undrafted rookie scrub from Wichita State!
Felton: Well, uh…
Murry: You know I can hear you right?
Chandler: Shut up rookie scrub.
Murry: And Wichita State is actually undfea-
Chandler and Felton: Shut up rookie scrub!
Anthony comes out of the back of the United Center wearing a spare Bulls jersey
Anthony: Hey coach! Does this jersey make me look fat?
Woodson: What? No. I didn’t know we were getting new jerseys.
Anthony: Yeah, uh… they’re supposed to… um… make us a better team.
Woodson: We already have a playoff team! Where the hell is Shum-
An explosion occurs and Oscar Goldman appears with cybernetic versions of Shumpert, Bargnani, Stoudemire and Martin
Woodson: Who the hell are you?
Goldman: Oscar Goldman?
Goldman: Six Million Dollar Man? Steve Austin’s boss?
Woodson: I thought that was Vince McMahon. Well whatever. What you done with our players?
Goldman: We’ve rebuilt them. We’ve made them stronger… faster than before.
Woodson: Finally someone with some dangnub initiative around here. Say, can you play the one?
Woodson: Ah, never mind. Let’s see what they’ve got.
Woodson throws a basketball and Shumpert who fails to react as the ball bounces away
Goldman: Minor detail – We’ve taken away their own control of their motor functions.
Woodson: Good thinking, good thinking. We were starting to play way to loose as a team.
Chandler: … Really?
Woodson: Let’s see ‘em shoot dock.
Goldman: There are still some minor kinks to workout.
Woodson: What’s the worst that can happen? The season’s already over anyway.
Chandler: You literally just said we were a damn playoff team…
Woodson: Uh… Yeah! We are. We just need to working on switching off on out defense. Anyway, let’s see ’em shoot doc.
Goldman: Well alright, but I warned you.
Cybernetic Shumpert takes a shot that sails to the rafters knocking over a light fixture and crushing Anthony
Dolan: Jabari Wiggins here we come!