FanPost

Knicktion: Knick Wars The Return of the Jackson


A short time from now in a Garden not far away, the Miami Galactic Empire completed its third consecutive conquest of the Finals galaxy led by the evil Sith Lord Darth Riley and his apprentice King James. Our story begins with the return of the prodigal son Zen Jackson. Zen studied the ways of the force under Jedi Master Holtzman. Under Holtzman's tutelage Zen contributed to two championship conquests. As he grew older, Zen was seduced by the triangle offense and turned over to the dark side of the force. With the help of powerful Sith Lords like Darth Jordan, Count Pippen and General Shaquille he conquered eleven galaxies. After Zen engaged in several intimate dealings with the vile gangster Jeanie the Buss, the ruler of planet Knickerbocker Jar Jar Dolan approached him about an alliance. With the help of Vice Roy Mills and the bounty hunter IT Idiot, Jar Jar manged to run planet Knickerbocker into the ground. Some of his most heinous crimes included giving away unprotected mining rights for Eddy the Curry, banishing Zenmaster Lin to planet Houston and hiring the grossly incompetent Bib Bargnani who was represented by the CAA Trade Federation, who had free reign on Planet Knickerbocker. One of the few things Jar Jar Dolan did right was to acquire the services of Car Melo, the sharpest shot in the universe. He overpayed in that transaction as well.

Car was both competent and loyal to the organization. After three failed seasons on Planet Knicks, Car entered free agency desperate for a title. Fearful of losing his prized sharpshooter, Jar Jar turned to Jackson to clean up his mess. Out of loyalty to his mentor Holtzman, who lived his entire life on Planet Knicks, the Zenmaster took the job for the measly salary of twelve million space credits per year. Without any mining rights for the upcoming season,the Zenmaster's prospects seemed bleak. All of the intergalactic talking heads scoffed at Zen's decision saying it would ruin his legacy. Zen's first decision as President was to replace Prime Minister Son of Wood's Beard with one of his protégés from Sith Lord Krause's regime Steve Kerr-p-o. Now that Zen had Kerr-p-o on board, he shifted his attention to reshaping the roster so that Car Melo would stay. He called Jeanie the Buss, but ended up talking to her assistant Senator Kupchak. He played a Jedi mind trick on him, trading Bib Bargnani and the Brave but battered Amare Statrissian for his former colleague Kobe Wan Kenobi. Once Kobe Wan entered the fold, Melo signed a max contract to stay on Planet Knicks.

Zen and Kerr-p-o still had a major problem at the point guard position. Boba Felton leader of the FARTDOG brigade needed to be replaced, and fast. He managed to pair Boba Felton with Gunner Smith and some first class mining rights (lottery protected) to Planet Atlanta for Jeff Teague-wok. In the deal, Planet Atlanta sent Josh Jenkins and secondary mining rights to Planet Detroit. Planet Detroit sent Jorts to Planet Knicks. The starting line up for Zen's Knickerbockers included Teague-wok, Kobe Wan, Shump Skywalker, Car Melo and Tybacca. Off the bench they trotted out Mace Pablo, THJ2, Jorts, Commander Cole , Toure and Tyler. Still in need of a swing man, he invited the previously banished Metta World Peace back home. The Knickerbocker army was ready for war. It took some time for Zen's charges to gel as a unit. They defended their home court with aplomb to the tune of a 34-7 record including their last twenty in a row. The team struggled mightily in their interplanetary expeditions, finishing 20-21.

Their 54 wins earned them the third position in the Intergalactic tournament behind Emperor Riley's heat and the scoundrels from Planet Indiana, who were lead by Paul Greedo. He fancied himself as the Melo stopper. The first obstacle to a title came from Planet Washington, inhabited by a race of Wizards. Vice Admiral Wall and his cohorts were eliminated in a four game sweep, setting up a grudge match with the Pacers of Planet Indiana. Paul Greedo and Hibberthead were determined to foil our heroes quest. Greedo attacked Melo, who shot him to death averaging 34 points per game. Melo led the team to a six game series win.

The Evil Empire now stood between the Knicks and the Finals. With King James leading the way, the Sith master Spoelstra out coached Kerr-p-o and took a 3-0 series lead. It appeared the Zenmaster was doomed to fail in his epic quest to bring a ring to Planet Knickerbocker. Zen came down to the office to conference with his reliable stalwart, "Help me Kobe Wan Kenobi you're my only hope." MILPCAT was officially engaged. Inspired by his mentor's plea Kobe Wan challenged Darth Wader to a duel to the death.

Wader won his individual battle with Kobe Wan who said, "Strike me down and my team will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine." Truer words were never spoken as Shump Skywalker, fueled by the death of his friend stole the ball an dunked it on twenty consecutive possessions to win the game. The series now stood at 3-1. Car Melo took over the next two games completely embarrassing King James and the Battier droid by making shots from every conceivable angle scoring 55 in Game 5 and 48 in Game 6. Now they headed to Planet Miami for Game 7. Determined not to be defeated by Melo, Spoelstra double teamed him relentlessly forcing him to pass the ball every time he touched it. Melo's teammates fought tirelessly to stay in the game. After Shump Skywalker banked in a three pointer to put his team up by a single point with 7 seconds to go. Spoelstra called time out. Zen used his mind powers to send a message to Kerr-p-o "Use the Jorts!" he said. Kerr-p-o obeyed his master inserting Jorts into the game along side Melo, Tybacca, Shump and the Teague-wok. The Heat inbounded the ball and ran an isolation for King James, who Jorts had the pleasure of guarding. James backed him down with the dribble as the clock inched ever closer to zero. The King spun to shoot one of his patented fade away jumpers, but Jorts anticipated the move, launched his meat mitt into the air and swatted his shot out of bounds as time expired. The Knicks had slain the Sith Dragon, MILPCAT was complete at last!

Only one hurdle remained for our intrepid heroes. They had to defeat Zenmaster Lin, Admiral Harden and the massive robotic automaton DH12. Flying high from the momentum of the previous series, Zen's crew prove too much to handle for the Rockets. The Knicks swept them hardly being challenged in any of the four games, thus avenging the loss of Qui Gon Ewing years earlier. Melo and Shump earned Co MVP honors and received their medals from Princess La La. The Zenmaster cascaded and paraded down the Canyon of Heroes while Holtzman and Kobe Wan's spirits looked on. Clyde victoriously proclaimed "We're winning and grinning again!"

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Posting and Toasting

You must be a member of Posting and Toasting to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Posting and Toasting. You should read them.

Join Posting and Toasting

You must be a member of Posting and Toasting to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Posting and Toasting. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker