Knicktion: Kerrgotiations

DOLAN, JACKSON, and KERR all sit around a large table which makes Phil Jackson look like a regular sized human at a table, and which makes Steve Kerr look like a short guy and which makes James Dolan invisible below his mouth so that when he talks you see his lower lip disappearing and reappearing.

DOLAN: What's with this table, Phil? What was wrong with the old one?

JACKSON: That wasn't even a table, Jimmy. It was a stepstool or something.

DOLAN: It was a coffee table. Coffee tables are tables, right? Why else would they be called coffee tables?

JACKSON: Jimmy. Who's the basketball expert?

DOLAN: You are. But --

JACKSON: And table size is a big factor in basketball. Am I right, Steve?

KERR: Philosophically, yes, we're in alignment on a great number of things.

DOLAN: OK, OK. I just can't really see.

JACKSON: Think of it as a pen-level view. Be the pen, Jimmy. Be the paper. Be the signing.

DOLAN: We'll see about that.

KERR: OK, so, I would like a 4 year contract at 6 million per year.

DOLAN: WHAT??? That's what I paid that bum D'antoni. I did some research on you on the internet - yeah, that's right, I can operate the internet - and it turns out you've never even coached in the NBA! You're a newbie. Like that bastard Kidd. BETRAYOR! You should get what he got from the Russian.

JACKSON: 2 million per? Not bad. Perhaps we can meet in the middle.

DOLAN: But see, now, I don't want to even give him 2 million.

JACKSON: Jimmy, remember when we were in the desert, and you had to take a crap, and there was no toilet paper?

DOLAN: Yeah. I can't believe you forgot the toilet paper.

JACKSON: I didn't forget - I was trying to make a point. Anyway, what did you wipe your ass with?

DOLAN: A million dollar bill.

JACKSON: Right. So why quibble over something you'd wipe your ass with?

DOLAN: Because, it's the principle of the thing. D'antoni made 6 million, and Kidd - BETRAYOR!!!! - made 2. I hate those guys. So therefore, if this guy asks for D'antoni money, I'm not even going to give him Kidd money. You see where I'm coming from? It's logical.

JACKSON: Remember, in the desert, the conversation we had after you tried to rip out the heart of your ATV?

DOLAN: Yeah. I can't understand it. I took all the parts out, there was no heart. How does the thing live?

JACKSON: Never mind about that. It's like we discussed. You are punishing Steve here for the sins of D'antoni, for the sins of Jason Kidd.

DOLAN: Jason Kidd?

JACKSON: Betrayor?

DOLAN: Oh yeah.

JACKSON: But Kerr here, he's not those guys. He's not going to be those guys. He's not going to hurt you like those guys hurt you.

DOLAN: Like daddy hurt me?

JACKSON: NOW you remember the conversation!

DOLAN: Whoo, hoo, yeah. Peyote, it's a hell of a drug. How did you get the campfire to stand up and play one on one with Steve Mills' shadow?

JACKSON: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

KERR: Ha ha ha!

DOLAN: That's not funny.

JACKSON: I apologize. OK, I'll tell you. I did it by 'ZZKDURIDDKFFIOSIcation'.

DOLAN: What the hell is that?

JACKSON: It can't be defined by other words. Anyway, the point is, Kerr should be judged on his own pros and cons, not on those of these other guys.

DOLAN: Ok, but even so, we can't overpay for assets. That gets us into trouble, right?

KERR: If I may, you're completely correct when it comes to players and draft picks. But when it comes to coaches, they don't count against the cap. So you can spend away. Heck, you could give me 12 million bucks, and it wouldn't affect the cap one bit.

DOLAN: I am not giving anyone 12 million bucks. Not even Phil Jackson himself.

JACKSON: Peyote, it's a hell of a drug

KERR: Don't worry, I'm not asking for 12 million. Just 6 million.

DOLAN: That does sound like a pretty good deal. But how do I know I can trust you to coach the Knickerbockers?

KERR: Well, I think of it this way. I don't have any coaching experience, but I have been a GM. Whereas Phil here, he's been a coach, but never a GM. So it lines up.

JACKSON: It's like that time in the desert, with the two rocks, and the moon. Remember that?

DOLAN: Vaguely. I think I was naked.

JACKSON: No, that was Steve. But it was really all of us, in that moment. So what do you say, do we hire Steve for 8 million?

KERR: Um..

JACKSON (holding up his hand to shush KERR): What do you say, Mr. Dolan?

DOLAN: I don't know. I could hire that Golden State guy, Mike Jackson, for that price. Then I'd have 2 Jacksons, that's a pretty good plan.

JACKSON: Except that the round basketball would turn into a cube if you did that. Think about the math of it, the equation of it. Two much Jackson, not enough Action.

KERR: That's pretty cool.

JACKSON: Right? I learned it from Clyde. So what do you say Mr. Dolan?

DOLAN: Maybe. How about 6 million?


KERR: I think I could be amenable to that.

JACKSON: So do we have an agreement?

DOLAN: Maybe. But I think I might need another trip to the desert.

JACKSON (Smiling and removing a pouch from under his shirt): Message Received!


STEVE MILLS: How long have they been in there?

DOLAN's SECRETARY: 36 hours.

STEVE MILLS: Door still locked?

SEC: Yup. I only hear giggles?

STEVE MILLS: I promised Woj I'd get him something by today.

SEC: You could always give him his weed back.

STEVE: MILLS: Already smoked half of it. Oh well, I'll just tell him that there's a snag in the negotiations.

SEC: Not far from the truth, I guess.

STEVE MILLS: The truth is I'm being replaced in the circle by this Kerr guy.

SEC: Pull yourself together Steve. Your shadow lost to the dancing flame, fair and square.

STEVE MILLS: I thought it was a 7 game series.

JACKSON (From inside Dolan's office:) You would have been swept, Steve!

STEVE MILLS: I was fouled!

Giggles are the only reply from behind the door

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