By now, you've probably seen Samsung's LeBron James app commercial -- it's usually on between those God-awful "Framily" spots and that ad which implies humans are fornicating with life-size anime puppets.
We live in a free-market economy, and far be it from me to tell people what they should and shouldn't buy...but LeBron? Seriously? He may be quite good at the basketballing, but is his existence really worthy of an entire app?
Apparently these people at Samsung hate money, because there is one NBA player above all whose globetrotting adventures deserve the kind of attention that only a smartphone app can give: New York Knicks point guard and humanitarian Pablo Prigioni.
Fortunately, we here at P&T Mobile love money. President Seth went to Wall Street and negotiated exclusive rights to Pablo's life with the App Kaiser, and our R&D department has toiled night and day to create an app that fits the needs of today's on-the-go Pablo fan.
Here are just some of the features that come with this fine product:
1. Pablo scooter pic updates
Has LeBron ever taken a photo as cool as this one?
Partiendo para la playa!!!. pic.twitter.com/C4yOqydam7— Pablo Prigioni (@PPrigioni9) May 1, 2014
Of course not.
(Remember, kids: Pablo wears a helmet when he rides because there's nothing cooler than safety.)
I shouldn't have to sign on to Twitter like a goon just to see Pablo scooter updates -- my phone should alert me immediately! And now, thanks to the Pablo app, it will.
2. "Pablo the Greek" betting advice
In January, 2013, Pablo was asked to pick the winner of some sporting match to take place between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens, and Pablo laid out some insider info: "All I know is the coaches are brothers...that's all I know! I pick San Francisco because I like San Francisco...-chuckles-...city".
Now, I don't know or care who actually won that contest, but as a degenerate gambler I feel compelled to bet on games based on whichever city Pablo likes best. The Pablo the Greek feature allows me to do that -- it instantly provides me with Pablo picks. Did he find some noodle place he liked in Beijing during the 2008 Olympics? If so, then I'm betting the farm on Beijing Guoan when they take on Changchun Yatai in the next Chinese Football League match!
3. Words of encouragement from Dr. Pablo
Not only was Pablo the Knicks' best point guard this season, he doubled as the staff psychologist on many occasions. How many times did he console J.R. Smith on the bench with kind words and a shoulder rub after yet another terrible performance?
Well now you can have the benefit of Pablo's counsel...and you don't even have to play as poorly as J.R. did in the season's first half to get it!
Tell your problems to Dr. Pablo -- he has the answers to even life's toughest questions:
"Who am I?"
You don't have to worry about a breach in confidentiality, because Dr. Pablo "cannot say all the secrets." Can he say some of the secrets? Maybe. Most of the secrets? There's an outside chance. But all the secrets? Not on your life!
4. Pabloface selfie converter
Taking selfies may be stupid, but not when your face is immediately converted into this expression:
5. "Share like Pablo"
Human beings are inherently selfish creatures...except for Pablo, who never met a shot he didn't love to pass up.
How can we be more like Pablo? By using this feature, which provides a strong electrical shock to anyone who refuses to share. Keep your phone in your pocket when you play pick-up ball, and every time you start your shooting motion you will get hit with the equivalent of a cattle prod. Try to take the last buffalo wing at the restaurant, and feel the wrath of 625 kilo-volts -- Pablo's justice.
(Note: If everyone at the dinner table has the Pablo app, then there is a chance you all will be continually shocked to the point of developing and erratic heartbeat.)
6. Pablosneak Wifi
Don't you hate it when people lock their Wifi with annoying passwords? Worry no more, because the Pablosneak app can steal any Wifi access within a distance of 94 feet (Because Pablo always picks up full-court).
With all these exciting features, you really can't afford not to purchase this app. And it can be yours for the low, low price of $1,591,350 (Pablo's 2013-14 salary).
Operators are standing by.