I told you'd we be covering the playoffs at P&T. Well here's the first of several postseason analyses...

Meet the Coaches!

Eastern Conference

Flip Saunders-Detroit- Flip is widely considered to be one of the most boring individuals on earth. He took home the gold medal in the 2003 Boring Olympics for his 54-minute speech, "On Soup".

Mike Brown- Cleveland- The headboard of Mike's bed is equipped with three rotating brushes to keep his head well-polished.

Sam Mitchell- Toronto- Sam, assuming that he would be fired by April at the latest, agreed earlier this year to do a series of bank heists this spring for the local mafia. Now that the Raptors are in the playoffs and he might get a contract extention, Sam's going to have to lay low for a little while.

Pat Riley- Miami- Pat's famed hair grease consists of several rare and hard-to-find ingredients, including rainwater from Belgium, Marlon Brando's spittle, and owl semen. Now, many people might be saying, "Owls don't even produce semen!", and those people are mostly right. In the wild, they don't. Pat, however, has six barn owls in his captivity that, through exercise and hypnosis, he has trained to jizz.

Scott Skiles- Chicago- Scott is a notorious stickler for clothing. He demands that all his players' shirts be tucked in. He won't let Ben Wallace wear a headband on the court. And earlier this season, he wouldn't let the Chicago Luvabulls dance team go on the floor until they put some more clothes on.

Lawrence Frank- New Jersey- People are making a lot of noise about Vince Carter playing against his former team. No one has said a word about Lawrence's return to Toronto, the place where he lost his virginity to a very aggressive hotel maid last season.

Eddie Jordan- Washington- Eddie often feels that the well-documented quirks of guys like Gilbert Arenas distract the Washington media from his own personality. To get a little more attention, he plans to take off his shirt and tie and toss them into the crowd after every game this postseason.

Brian Hill- Orlando- In the world of artificial tanning, Brian's mellow, uniform bronze is akin to the Mona Lisa.

Western Conference

Avery Johnson- Dallas- The younger players on the Mavericks take delight in cutting off Avery's tail just to watch it grow back.

Mike D'Antoni- Phoenix- After coaching, Mike will be hired by Burger King to use his "7 Seconds or Less" strategy to make fast food even faster. He will be fired, however, when BK employees are found alley-ooping Whoppers to one another.

Gregg Popovich- San Antonio- Sometimes, on a Sunday night, Gregg likes to light up the fire place, pour himself a glass of red wine, break out some Italian olives, and watch the entire first season of Wild 'N Out.

Jerry Sloan- Utah- Jerry loves three things: basketball, beef jerky, and movies about horses. Everything else can go fuck itself.

Jeff Van Gundy- Houston- Jeff regularly has so much caffeine in his blood stream that he often stands up, paces around the room, and calls out defensive sets in his sleep. On particularly bad nights, Jeff has been known to wake his wife and kids while screaming curses at an imaginary Rafer Alston.

George Karl- Denver- Though he certainly cares about his team and the playoffs and stuff, George is most concerned with finding a new clubbing partner now that Jake Plummer has left town.

Phil Jackson- Los Angeles- When Phil's children cause trouble, instead of punishing them, he goes to the media and calls them names.

Don Nelson- Golden State- While most coaches use the halftime to discuss strategy, the Warriors' intermission usually consists of Monta Ellis and Zarko Cabarkapa holding Don's hair back while he throws up the eight scotches he had during timeouts.

Those are your coaches. More playoff "analysis" cominatcha in the upcoming days. Enjoy today's quadruple-header! Peace.

#15 Alan Anderson- In between games and practices, Alan attends weekly Porn Addicts Anonymous meetings.

#23 Derek Anderson- Derek possesses a basketball card collection that consists solely of his own cards. He constantly checks them for statistical errors and mix-ups. The people at Topps have gotten used to Derek calling and insisting, "I shot forty-four percent from the field in 2000. This card says forty-three. That's just inexcusable."

#7 Primoz Brezec- Primoz enjoys playing in Charlotte, but would like to be traded to L.A. or New York because of the superior shopping.

#13 Matt Carroll- Matt hasn't played a single overtime in his career becaue his bedtime is at 10:30. No excuses, mister.

#20 Raymond Felton- Raymond can spit a peach pit into soda can from over 15 feet away.

#24 Othella Harrington- When Othella checks out of a game, he has been known to pull out a Chinese paper fan to cool himself off.

#5 Walter Herrmann- The double "r" and double "n" in Walter's last name are almost impossible to pronounce to the untrained tongue. In fact, only Walter can say his own name right. The correct pronunciation of "Herrmann" is so unique and exotic that the very sound of it has been known to impregnate nearby women.

#1 Ryan Hollins- In a Bobcats game in early December, there was a shot clock malfunction during the first quarter. Arena technicians couldn't locate a ladder, so they leaned Ryan up against the basket and climbed up to access the broken clock. Ryan, who was quietly eating cashews at the time, was completely oblivious to what was going on.

#22 Brevin Knight- Brevin spends his time on the bench during every game beating Pokemon Blue on Gameboy. He always needs Derek Anderson to help him catch Mewtwo.

#42 Sean May- Sean's typical scouting report reads, "Good post moves...Solid rebounder...Cuddly."

#0 Jeff McInnis- While most players drink Gatorade on the bench, Jeff likes to keep cool with a spoonful or three of cough syrup.

#35 Adam Morrison- Despite his appearance, Adam actually shaves his upper lip everyday. His mustache, though, has a mind of its own. If it were left to grow, the 'stache would eventually engulf his whole face, seep into his brain, and command him to stick up all the KFC's in the Charlotte area.

#50 Emeka Okafor- Contrary to his seemingly quiet demeanor and his nice-guy reputation, Emeka is wanted in the state of Connecticut for exposing himself to a crossing guard.

#43 Jake Voskuhl- Before games, Jake briefly leaves the team locker room and heads over to the announcers' quarters to have his hair and makeup done.

#3 Gerald Wallace- Gerald's nickname, "Multiplicity" refers not to his ability to fill the stat sheet, but to his intense, somewhat disturbing obsession with Michael Keaton.

Those are your Bobcats. Sorry this is up so late. Game thread coming very shortly. Peace.

Meet the Nets!

#8 Hassan Adams- Hassan is often seen talking to no one in particular during games because he has a Jiminy Cricket-like organism nested in his hair that critiques his every move.

#2 Josh Boone- Josh was so touched by "The Notebook" that he built a camouflaged lean-to in Rachel McAdams' backyard and began watching her from afar. Several years later, he still thinks the restraining order is bullshit.

#15 Vince Carter- Anytime Coach Lawrence Frank feels his team is giving a subpar effort, he praises Vince for his leadership.

#35 Jason Collins- At the age of 12, Jason and his twin, Jarron, spent a weekend filming their own version of "The Parent Trap." The brothers are still trying to find a studio to purchase their movie.

#50 Eddie House- Eddie has dedicated the last 10 years of his life to perfecting his jumper so he could shed his high school nickname of "Brick House."

#9 Mile Ilic- Mile keeps a towel over his head when he's on the bench to avoid getting a sunburn.

#24 Richard Jefferson- Richard is having trouble deciding between Puerto Rico and the Bahamas for his mid-season injury vacation next year.

#5 Jason Kidd- In the late 90's, the Phoenix Suns designed a bobblehead toy in the likeness of Jason. Before they gave the toys out as a promotion, they sent one over to him for approval. Jason loved it. He loved it so much, in fact, that he began feeding it, playing with it, and taking care of it. One magical evening the toy opened its eyes and took life. Delighted, Jason named his newly animated bobblehead "T.J." and raised it as his own.

#12 Nenad Krstic- Nenad saves his adjoining seat on the bus for teammate Mile Ilic, often turning Bostjan Nachbar away with a sneering, "Sorry. Serbians only."

#33 Mikki Moore- Domino's no longer delivers to Mikki's house because he has turned 4 of their deliverymen to stone.

#7 Bostjan Nachbar- After a game last month, "Boki" caused quite a stir when he escaped from his cage and ran around the crowded Nets locker room with Lawrence Frank chasing him screaming, "Careful! He hasn't had his shots!". 13 minutes and three tranquilizer darts later, everything was returned to normal.

#30 Clifford Robinson- Clifford entertains himself on the bench by eating a whole package of Chips Ahoy and watching reruns of "That 70's Show." His teammates are somewhat irritated by his constant laughter.

#1 Marcus Williams- After practices, Marcus can often be found knee-deep in the swamps of the Meadowlands searching for prey.

#21 Antoine Wright- Antoine used his first paycheck to design and order a "Guess Who?" set in which all the pictures are of his face. The board came out great, but the games never last more than a few seconds.

Those are your Nets...again. Game thread will be up soon. Peace.

Meet the Raptors!

#7 Andrea Bargnani- Andrea has bucked the trend of NBA stars with shoe deals to land a series of endorsements for Chef Boyardee.

#4 Chris Bosh- Chris suffers from a rare condition that has caused his "Adam's apple" to grow into an "Adam's mango".

#8 Jose Calderon- If Jose were an American, he would be a car salesman named Teddy.

#3 Juan Dixon- Juan insists on calling all of his white teammates "Steve Blake", because it makes him feel more at home.

#11 T.J. Ford- T.J. has petitioned the Raptors coaching staff to add a "nap time" and "coloring hour" to daily practices.

#15 Jorge Garbajosa- Jorge spends over an hour every morning grooming his beard to achieve that perfect balance of "rugged" and "suave".

#14 Joey Graham- Joey can out-benchpress the entire Toronto starting lineup put together.

#43 Kris Humphries- The Raptors locker room has been converted to solar power because Kris eats light bulbs.

#2 Darrick Martin- Darrick is actually an assistant coach, but insists on wearing a jersey like a baseball coach.

#12 Rasho Nesterovic- Rasho picked Slovenia to win it all in the Raptors' NCAA Tournament pool. No one has the heart to tell him that they're not in it.

#18 Anthony Parker- Anthony has had it up to here with people asking how "Timmy", "Eva", and "Booba" are.

#24 Morris Peterson- Morris prefers gift bags over traditional wrapping paper because bags can be reused.

#10 Uros Slokar- Like some other NBA players, Uros has come up with a nickname for himself. Unfortunately, Uros "The Much Sexy Man Who Shooting a Basketballs" Slokar hasn't really stuck.

#9 Pape Sow- After basketball, Pape plans to start his own brand of papecorn, Pape tarts, and lollipapes.

#1 P.J. Tucker- Several weeks ago, P.J. relieved himself in the showers and was suspended for conduct detrimental to the team.

Those are your Toronto Raptors. Game Thread tomorrow. Peace.

Meet the Nets!

#8 Hassan Adams- Hassan is often seen talking to no one in particular during games because he has a Jiminy Cricket-like organism nested in his hair that critiques his every move.

#2 Josh Boone- Josh was so touched by "The Notebook" that he built a camouflaged lean-to in Rachel McAdams' backyard and began watching her from afar. Several years later, he still thinks the restraining order is bullshit.

#15 Vince Carter- Anytime Coach Lawrence Frank feels his team is giving a subpar effort, he praises Vince for his leadership.

#35 Jason Collins- At the age of 12, Jason and his twin, Jarron, spent a weekend filming their own version of "The Parent Trap." The brothers are still trying to find a studio to purchase their movie.

#50 Eddie House- Eddie has dedicated the last 10 years of his life to perfecting his jumper so he could shed his high school nickname of "Brick House."

#9 Mile Ilic- Mile keeps a towel over his head when he's on the bench to avoid getting a sunburn.

#24 Richard Jefferson- Richard is having trouble deciding between Puerto Rico and the Bahamas for his mid-season injury vacation next year.

#5 Jason Kidd- In the late 90's, the Phoenix Suns designed a bobblehead toy in the likeness of Jason. Before they gave the toys out as a promotion, they sent one over to him for approval. Jason loved it. He loved it so much, in fact, that he began feeding it, playing with it, and taking care of it. One magical evening the toy opened its eyes and took life. Delighted, Jason named his newly animated bobblehead "T.J." and raised it as his own.

#12 Nenad Krstic- Nenad saves his adjoining seat on the bus for teammate Mile Ilic, often turning Bostjan Nachbar away with a sneering, "Sorry. Serbians only."

#33 Mikki Moore- Domino's no longer delivers to Mikki's house because he has turned 4 of their deliverymen to stone.

#7 Bostjan Nachbar- After a game last month, "Boki" caused quite a stir when he escaped from his cage and ran around the crowded Nets locker room with Lawrence Frank chasing him screaming, "Careful! He hasn't had his shots!". 13 minutes and three tranquilizer darts later, everything was returned to normal.

#30 Clifford Robinson- Clifford entertains himself on the bench by eating a whole package of Chips Ahoy and watching reruns of "That 70's Show." His teammates are somewhat irritated by his constant laughter.

#1 Marcus Williams- After practices, Marcus can often be found knee-deep in the swamps of the Meadowlands searching for prey.

#21 Antoine Wright- Antoine used his first paycheck to design and order a "Guess Who?" set in which all the pictures are of his face. The board came out great, but the games never last more than a few seconds.

Those are your Nets. Game thread coming tomorrow.

Meet the Bulls!

#35 Malik Allen- Most NBA fans don't know that Malik is the league's most avid proponent of S&M. He posesses a wide array of weapons and contraptions and frequently holds bondage parties.

#15 Martynas Andriuskevicius- Martynas is actually an unusually tall 9th grader from Missouri named Marty Anderson. Scouts wisely suggested the name change to better his chances of being drafted.

#11 Andre Barrett- At halftime, Bulls assistant coach Pete Myers changes Andre's diaper.

#42 P.J. Brown- The urban legend that little children who don't finish their vegetables get kidnapped, tortured, and eaten by P.J. Brown is a myth. He doesn't torture them.

#9 Luol Deng- Luol got his British citizenship not to play for the national team, but with hopes to someday become Sir Luol Deng.

#21 Chris Duhon- When Chris plays "Duck, Duck, Goose", he always forgets to make someone the "goose", often going around in circles for several minutes before everyone just gives up on the game.

#7 Ben Gordon- Ben's career statistics, if rearranged and deciphered, are a clue to the whereabouts of the Holy Grail.

#44 Adrian Griffin- Though he seems rather quiet and well-mannered to the unsuspecting viewer, Adrian has been known to very subtly taunt opposing players with words so calculated and cruel that tears are sometimes shed.

#12 Kirk Hinrich- Kirk keeps his hair somewhat shaggy to hide the evil, profanity-spewing face on the back of his head.

#38 Victor Khryapa- Scott Skiles bought Victor his own ant farm to distract him and keep him from complaining about minutes.

#5 Andres Nocioni- Andres has added numerous tricks to further bolster his reputation as a dirty player. He frequently uses static electricity to startle opponents, and conceals a shank in his waistband for use while boxing out.

#2 Thabo Sefolosha- Thabo has avoided suspension in every basketball league he's ever played in by proclaiming himself "neutral" when a fight breaks out.

#50 Michael Sweetney- Like many players, Mike plans to stay with the Bulls organization even after he retires. Mike would like to coach or work in the front office, but the Bulls have quietly opened up a spot for him on the Matadors dance team.

#24 Tyrus Thomas- Now that he's left LSU, Tyrus has actually put some weight on his bones because Glen Davis is no longer stealing his meals.

#3 Ben Wallace- Though Coach Skiles wouldn't let him wear his headband on the court, Ben has kept himself happy by wearing it out to dinner, to church, and to bed.

Those are your Bulls. Game thread coming your way shortly. Peace.

Meet the Pistons!

#1 Chauncey Billups- Contrary to popular belief, Chauncey's nickname, "Mr. Big Shot", does not refer to his late-game basketball heroics. The name, in fact, originated from his proficiency in Golden Tee.

#8 Will Blalock- When he feels threatened, Will rolls up into a ball and stays completely still- sometimes for hours at a time. Because of this, Will has to be subbed out for good every time he is fouled.

#34 Dale Davis- When Dale began complaining about minutes, Flip Saunders started brandishing a stun gun on the sidelines. That shut him right up.

#20 Carlos Delfino- While most players drink Gatorade on the sidelines, Carlos favors a good Cosmopolitan.

#12 Ronald Dupree- Ronald often leaves practice to go outside and graze.

#32 Richard Hamilton- Most people know about Richard's endorsement of a Goodyear tire tread pattern in his cornrows. Very few caught his brief hairstyle tribute to the Cinnabon.

#10 Lindsey Hunter- After his failed steroid test, Lindsey wisely opted to cancel his incoming shipments of rhinoceros hormones.

#25 Amir Johnson- In addition to his budding basketball career, Amir occasionally publishes novels under the pseudonym "J.K. Rowling."

#54 Jason Maxiell- 1 out of every 8 spinal injuries is caused by a Jason Maxiell hug.

#24 Antonio McDyess- One of Antonio's several knee surgeries was to remove a half-eaten Crunch bar that had been accidentally sewn into his leg in a previous surgery. The same surgeon performed the extraction, and the candy bar was finished soon after.

#13 Nazr Mohammed- Nazr possesses a sixth sense- the ability to communicate with butterflies.

#6 Ronald Murray- Though Ronald is the most successful basketball player to ever come from Shaw University, he is most known at his alma mater for eating all the books in the library in a single afternoon during his freshman year.

#22 Tayshaun Prince- During the halftime team meeting, Tayshaun is usually somewhere above the rest of the players and coaching staff, crouching and leaping from locker to locker. The coaches are somewhat irked at his lack of attention to team discussions and strategies, but are pleased that he eats all the pesky flies and spiders in the locker room.

#36 Rasheed Wallace- Though Rasheed has picked up many technical fouls over the years, only once- during a preseason game in 2002- did he ever feel any remorse for being T'd up. From this singular instance of regret emerged the small patch of gray in his hair.

#84 Chris Webber- Because of the Fab Five's contribution to basketball fashion and culture, Chris has petitioned the league to receive a small royalty check every time an NBA player's shorts hang below his knee.

Those are your Pistons. Game thread coming your way tomorrow. Peace.

Meet the Bucks!

#42 Charlie Bell- Charlie recuperates from Buck losses by heading to Chuck E. Cheese's and routing little kids in Pop-a-Shot.

#6 Andrew Bogut- Andrew justifies his missed shots by asserting that in Australia the ball spins the opposite way around the rim.

#11 Earl Boykins- During the offseason, Earl grows a Fu Manchu moustache and sits in a bamboo shack smoking a pipe and playing chess against a trained monkey.

#50 Dan Gadzuric- The number of child psychiatrists in the Greater Milwaukee area has increased over the last 4 years because of widespread cases of Dan Gadzuric-related nightmares.

#3 Lynn Greer- During his years playing in Europe, Lynn refused to learn foreign cultures and languages, and walked around cities like Moscow asking for nachos.

#19 Ersan Ilyasova- Ersan is the son of a Turkish woman and an abominable snowman.

#52 Damir Markota- Damir learned to speak English from the "Wayne's World" movies, and says "Schwing!" every time he makes a basket.

#34 David Noel- David entertains his teammates with movie theme songs played on the clarinet.

#23 Ruben Patterson- Ruben has had several ad agencies call him about getting advertising space on his head.

#22 Michael Redd- Michael plays basketball lefty just to make things fair. He is actually a righty, and has never missed a shot with his good hand.

#55 Jared Reiner- Jared has been touted by scouts as a "poor man's Travis Knight."

#21 Bobby Simmons- Bobby is considering retiring from the NBA to make ceramic dolls for a living.

#54 Brian Skinner- Brian never speaks, and instead communicates through a complex series of grunts and whistles.

#31 Charlie Villanueva- Though Charlie usually dines on store-bought babies, he occasionally likes to hunt for a wild baby. He finds them to be juicier and more tender.

#25 Maurice Williams- Off the court, Maurice is president and chairman of the Christina Aguilera fan club.

Those are your Bucks. Game thread cominatcha later, kids. Peace.

Meet the T-Wolves!

#30 Mark Blount- Mark looks perpetually sleep-deprived because he suffers from a prolonged addiction to late-night infomercials.

#31 Ricky Davis- Though Ricky enjoys the game of basketball, he will admit that he's in the NBA mostly for the cool accessories.

#4 Randy Foye- Randy is almost totally blind during the day, but has excellent night vision. This allows him to swoop from above and catch even the tiniest of prey in the dark hours.

#21 Kevin Garnett- Fed up with the Minnesota organization, Kevin is putting serious consideration into starting his own franchise. He will be the owner, GM, head coach, and star player of the St. Paul Kevin Garnetts.

#23 Trenton Hassell- Trenton raises all of his children to be lockdown defenders. A thief once tried to rob the Hassell household and found himself triple-teamed and stripped of his gun.

#16 Troy Hudson- After basketball, Troy plans to market his own brand of hair ties.

#13 Mike James- One day in 2001, Jerome James went to Arby's and ate for about 4 hours straight. He then returned home and unleashed the single greatest shit in the history of mankind. As is Jerome's custom, he gave his product a name. On this particular occasion, it was "Mike". Mike the shit was so large that it could actually speak, walk on its own, and, as Jerome would later discover, play basketball.

#55 Marko Jaric- Marko isn't always drunk on the court...just most of the time.

#35 Mark Madsen- A scientific study revealed that Mark actually keeps the bench about 4 degrees warmer than most benchwarmers, probably due to his constant movement.

#1 Rashad McCants- Rashad moves from room to room by morphing into a thick, silvery liquid and sliding beneath doorways.

#9 Justin Reed- In the offseason, Justin equips some of his teammates with crossbows and takes them bison hunting in Canada.

#5 Craig Smith- Craig usually accompanies Justin Reed on his hunting trips, but foregoes the crossbow and instead opts to crush the bison with his bare hands.

#6 Bracey Wright- During months of sitting on the bench, Bracey has developed the power of telekinesis. He plans to sharpen his abilities over the summer and break into the starting lineup next year by spraining Mike James' ankle with his mind.

Those are your Timberwolves! Game thread coming later. Peace.

Meet the Sixers!

#20 Louis Amundson- No one speaks to Louis in the locker room because they assume he's Eastern European.

#25 Rodney Carney- During the offseason, Rodney is the eyeliner-wearing frontman for an underground glam rock band.

#1 Samuel Dalembert- If Samuel were a member of the Brat Pack, he would be Judd Nelson.

#33 Willie Green- Willie's pregame meal is a tablespoon of margarine.

#44 Alan Henderson- Off the court, Alan's attire usually includes a tophat and a monocle.

#45 Steven Hunter- Steven's jumpshot has been rated "R" by the MPAA. Children under the age of 17 may not see it without a guardian present.

#9 Andre Iguodala- Andre has framed photos of all of his NBA milestones, including "My First Basket", "My First Commercial Break", and "My First Defensive Three-Second Violation".

#11 Bobby Jones- Bobby's skin secretes an extremely potent, universally lethal venom when he's nervous. Bobby has never felt the embrace of a woman.

#26 Kyle Korver- Kyle was never much of a basketball player as a child because he didn't have his own hoop. His next-door neighbor, however, did have a hoop. Young Kyle would simply shoot from his own driveway into his neighbor's basket, which was about 25 feet away.

#7 Andre Miller- Andre has felt quite a bit of pressure from all the hype of his trade to Philadelphia. He's trying to silence all the national media who said he couldn't make the Sixers a contender this year.

#12 Kevin Ollie- After 9 years in the league, Kevin has just gone ahead and bought a jersey for every NBA team so he doesn't have to go through the trouble when he gets traded there.

#42 Shavlik Randolph- Shavlik's typical sandwich order is "ham, cheese, and mayo, hold the gayness."

#8 Joe Smith- Joe sees in black and white.

#23 Louis Williams- Perhaps because he was so excited to be in the NBA, Louis spent all of last year autographing everything he saw. Because of this, Louis' signature is worth less than 1 cent.

Those are your 76ers. Game thread coming later.