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Report Cards

2011 Progressive Report Card: Anthony Carter

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Back in The Internetz, Posting and Toasting enrolls all the Knicks in a progressive school with its own system of evaluation.

Anthony Carter was yet another addition from Denver that was expected to make little impact in the closing weeks of the season. How could he? He was on the wrong side of a certain age. He was stepping into the most difficult position of a difficult system. And he had three or four guards ahead of him on the depth chart.

What we didn't account for was how nothing phases men who've seen it all. See, AC was the OG captain of the starship -- I'm talking before Kirk and Pike. If he could pilot in warp speed, Mike D'Antoni's offense was totes like, "Whatevz, bro." Simply put, Anthony Carter is the man.

A thorny trance.

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19 comments  |  6 recs | 

2011 Progressive Report Card: Derrick Brown

Back in The Internetz, Posting and Toasting enrolls all the Knicks in a progressive school with its own system of evaluation.

Derrick Brown was a 2009 second-round draft pick of the Charlotte Bobcats who was reluctantly waived to make room for the Gerald Wallace trade. Claimed by the Knicks on March 1st, he sounded like your classic flyer. How fly was he? Derrick Brown was so fly he asked my lady for her number and I gave it to him. Also, he recited some fly-ass poetry while rockin' a purple robe (purple, of course, is the color of royalty). So naturally, on the court, flying was a big part of his game. But there are aspects of it that need much improvement - his jumpshot specifically. In fact, here's DB calling his shot.

DOWN. err. Brick.

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42 comments  |  4 recs | 

2011 Progressive Report Card: Chauncey Billups

Back in The Internetz, Posting and Toasting enrolls all the Knicks in a progressive school with its own system of evaluation.

Delivered to New York in the same box as Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey Billups was the mitigating factor of a deal that depleted the Knicks of all its assets. Considered the third head of yet another a big three after some nifty dribbling and timely scoring, Burps immediately experienced just how quickly this city can turn on anyone after some erratic play. His anagram:

I [null] by such pace.

Fill in that blank however you wish because to evaluate someone playing on one leg is to judge a four course meal on the first bite. This was just an amuse-bouche.

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46 comments  |  6 recs | 

2011 Progressive Report Card: Renaldo Balkman

Back in The Internetz, Posting and Toasting enrolls all the Knicks in a progressive school with its own system of evaluation.

Renaldo Balkman is a pos-vibe emanator. When life gives him lemons, he volunteers at a fundraiser for cancer research. It's standard behavior on his part. His return to the Knicks was also fairly standard. Of course, standard for Humpty is sublime glory and that's precisely how we would describe his second stint with the team. Our deepest regret, and Mike D'Antoni's as well, is that he only did the basketball thing for 18 minutes. That small sample size is what makes it difficult to determine if Balkman is the best player in Knick history or merely the least worst defensive player of all time. His life season in anagram form?

Ball or dank, mane?

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26 comments  |  9 recs | 

2011 Progressive Report Card: Carmelo Anthony

Back in The Internetz, Posting and Toasting enrolls all the Knicks in a progressive school with its own system of evaluation.

As we go through these report cards alphabetically, it's fitting that Carmelo Anthony is called up first, for no one, not even this team's best player, stole headlines and affected the final outcome of the Knicks' season quite like Melo. But before we go any further, we start with an anagram that best sums up his year in orange and blue.

An oracle, no myth.

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133 comments  |  3 recs | 


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