Editor's Note: Here's Barnesgasm with your Kings KTO. Check him out at The Son of Dippin.

Dark days, bitches, dark days. I will attempt to bring light into my life and yours through penis jokes.

#3, Shareef Abdur-Rahim: Game night in the Abdur-Raheem household always ends up with Shareef flipping the board, kicking around the little pieces, and saying shit like "UNCLE MONEYBAGS CAN SUCK A DICK". Dude has never won anything.

#93, Ron Artest: As hard as he tries, Ron-Ron just can't convince Brad Miller that he doesn't need a guest spot on his next album that badly.

#10, Mike Bibby: Mike doesn't have dreams. Only nightmares.

#8, Quincy Douby: Heh. Douby.

#32, Francisco Garcia: Francisco cries spermicidal jelly. This means he has never needed a condom in his life, but in order to practice safe sex, he has to watch "A Beautiful Mind", which gets him every time. Oh, and he has tons of vds, but, that's besides the point.

#5, Orien Greene: Every day, Orien Greene makes a to-do list for himself. Every day, he only puts one thing on that list: fuck a mermaid.

#31, Spencer Hawes: Surprisingly, the antipodal tendencies of Ron Artest and Spencer have made them into best of friends, so much so that they now share a studio apartment in downtown Sacramento, and their new sitcom, "Kings of the House", will air on CBS starting in February, starring Darryl Watkins as the nosy next door neighbor, Brad Miller as Mama Hawes, a special guest appearance from Spencer's sassy co-worker Queen Latifah, and Mike Bibby as Ron's high school girlfriend - and Spencer's new love interest!  Reggie Theus will reprise his role as the coach from "Hang Time".

#23, Kevin Martin: Don't tell his teammates, but Kevin hasn't actually had his first wet dream yet.

#52, Brad Miller: Surprisingly, Brad is a practicing Rastafarian, you know, without the hair and reggae.

#33, Mikki Moore: When Mikki was in second grade, children teased him on the playground by calling him "Mikki Mouse". He responded by nailing them to a wall and making primitive burritos by wrapping their less vital organs in their own flesh, and eating them in front of their own eyes. Mikki was popular in high school.

#15, John Salmons: Salmons only buys a can of tuna if he's guaranteed that there is some fucking dolphin meat in there. He hates how those stupid fucking dolphins are all like "oh, we're mammals", but John isn't buying that shit for a second. He knows the dolphins are hiding something, but doesn't know what it is. Those fishass motherfuckers.

#9, Kenny Thomas: Once, Kenny hired someone to pretend to kill him, because he thought his friends would be like "OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY... YOU BASTARDS!!!" But it turned out they just called an ambulance and started crying and shit. It was a big let-down for Kenny.

#19, Beno Udrih: With most of his American experiences taking place in San Antonio and Sacramento, Beno still thinks Ljubljana is the most beautiful city on the face of the planet.

#32, Darryl Watkins: Most teams have their uniforms produced by Nike or Adidas, but Darryl Watkins spends most of his time off-court lovingly knitting and crocheting the Kings uniforms on his loom.

#30, Justin Williams: Justin lists his offcourt hobbies as "video games" and "rape".

Saturday, the Knicks play the Nuggets for the second time, and I have multiple concepts I will be alternating for the second time Knicks matchups. Unfortunately, I probably won't be able to do one for the Nuggets one, since I'm going to be in a no-internet zone, so you'll probably just get a rehash of the Nuggets one.