If we don't beat the Sonics, I will decapitate a gopher. And I'm a pretty big gopher guy. Or, more ironic, I'll do it to a hedgehog, because, you know, it's the sonics? Anyway, fuck it. Read up.

#31, Nick Collison: Nick's hearing and feelings are so sensitive, that he often weeps upon hearing that jewy guy (Editor's Note: Both Barnesgasm and myself are members of the tribe, and can thereby use the word "jewy". Just clearing that up. Ok, as you were.) in the "Experience the Knicks" ads heckling him and urging him to bend his knees. Not even at games. Whenever that commercial comes on in any household in the United States, he hears it and weeps.

#35, Kevin Durant: Kevin Durant's brother is a stick insect.

#15, Michael Gelabale: Gelabale may not be very good at basketball, but the beauty of the love songs his wavering falsetto sings longingly while on court normally freezes his defenders to the point where he can take uncontested layups.

#22, Jeff Green: Jeff is the only person to have seen a live giant squid. He is also the only person to have been seduced by a live giant squid.

#27, Johan Petro: Year after year, Johan's yearbook described him as his grades "most likely to move to America, be seven feet tall, and play for the Seattle Supersonics".  

#8, Luke Ridnour: Luke's diarrhea is cottage cheese. If Luke eats Indian food, the United States cottage cheese exporting industry triples.

#18, Mouhamed Sene: Mouhamed recently demanded a trade, remembering the terrifying Senegalese folk tales about P.J. Carlesimo.

#31, Robert Swift: Robert Swift makes money on the side as a professional child-terrifier.

#3, Wally Sczcerbiak: At Ellis Island, a really dicky customs officer added the "czc" onto Wally's grandfather's name.

#44, Kurt Thomas: Kurt can impregnate a woman from up to 80 feet away with his mind. This only helps on a basketball court when he's playing against Vince Carter.

#25, Earl Watson: Earl Watson will fuck you up in Jenga. No questions asked.

#2, Delonte West: Delonte West's head shine is considered a threat to national security.

#54, Chris Wilcox: Chris averaged 60 points and 40 rebounds in high school, but then again, that was before the painful "third-arm-ectomy" surgery the NCAA required all 5 or more limbed athletes to undergo.

#21, Damien Wilkins: Damien acquired his basketball skills from Dominique, his sensibility from Gerald, and his jewiness (Ed: The noun form is also fair game.) from Lenny.