Meet the Mavericks!

#13 Maurice Ager- Because of his tendency to wander away from the Mavs' practice courts, Maurice has been fitted with an electric shock collar.

#11 Jose Barea- Jose urinates in hot tubs. He's not opportunistic about it, either. He actually seeks out a hot tub when he has to pee.

#1 Greg Buckner- Though he chooses not to take credit for it, Greg is How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

#44 Austin Croshere- The staff at American Airlines Center have quietly brushed aside Austin's request that they play Rush's "Tom Sawyer" during starting lineup introductions.

#25 Erick Dampier- While in Golden State, Erick feuded openly with coach Eric Musselman over whose name was spelled properly.

#7 DeSagana Diop- Within the next 5 years, DeSagana Diop will reach 8'5''. He just hasn't hit puberty yet.

#40 Devean George- In previous lives, Devean was the fifth Beatle and a last-minute signer of the Declaration of Independence.

#34 Devin Harris- In an effort to become more of a "pure point guard", Devin has tried cutting his hair like Steve Nash and wearing his shorts like John Stockton.

#5 Josh Howard- Josh suffers from a rare condition that causes his fingernails to grow at a rate of 2.5 inches an hour. He has to clip them during every timeout.

#28 DJ Ilunga-Mbenga- DJ is not ideal for American basketball because the NBA game does not count dunking an opponent who's holding the ball as a made basket.

#21 Pops Mensah-Bonsu- Pops recently married the sister of teammate DJ Ilunga-Mbenga. Thus began the marvelous, prosperous union of the Mensah-Bonsu-Ilunga-Mbenga family.

#41 Dirk Nowitzki- Just like Gilbert Arenas's "Hibachi", Dirk shouts "Weißwürste!" every time he shoots a jumper.

#42 Jerry Stackhouse- Some players have broken the glass with dunks in the past, but only Jerry once shattered a backboard by fistfighting it.

#31 Jason Terry- Most people have heard of Jason's tendency to wear the opponent's shorts the night before a game. Few know about his additional habit of kidnapping the children of the opposing coach before every game.

Those are your Dallas Mavericks. Game thread coming tomorrow. Peace.